What It Feels Like For A Girl -or- How Some Swedes And I Reenacted The Prom Scene From “Carrie”
A day trip to IKEA turned into a bloody mess the other day when I started my period during the 1 1/2 hour drive to spend a crapload of money on furniture that requires an engineering degree to assemble and ninety-nine cent Swedish meatballs.
I felt the familiar dampness, followed by dread, somewhere around what felt like mile one million, and remembered that I had thrown everything into a seldom-used purse I’d chosen to match my diplomatic relations expertise and can-do spirit. What I hadn’t remembered was seeing a tampon.
When I finally arrived at the International House Of Orange Couches, I made a beeline for the ladies room. Once there, I rummaged through my bag to make sure I wasn’t wrong about the tampons and see if I could find a quarter for the “Feminine Hygiene Products” vending machine mounted on the wall. Shit. No quarter? But I always have change! A woman came in as my forehead started to bead with liquid desperation. I thought I saw her give me the slightest side eye as she slid by me and into the closest stall, carrying a large purse that I imagined contained 47 tampons and not one other thing.
When it became clear to me that my bag contained neither quarter nor tampon and all the wishing in the world was not going to call forth the Kotex fairy, I resigned myself to Plan G, at best: the toilet paper torpedo.
If you are not familiar with the toilet paper torpedo (patent pending), it’s the name I’ve given to the emergency makeshift maxi pad we’ve all made at one time or another by rolling toilet paper around our hand about fifty times, folding it in half, and stuffing it into our panties. It doesn’t have dri-weave or wings but it’s free and readily available. If you are a complete flibbertigibbet when it comes to your period like I am, you might use this more often than you’d like to admit.
Anyway, I chose a stall far away from the tampon hoarder and looked at the mess in my pants. I had fortuitously chosen my darkest denim jeans that day, so I wasn’t terribly worried about strangers seeing my bloodbath, but, when I looked down, I was reminded of a terrible fact: it was laundry day and I wasn’t wearing panties. I yelled out, “BALLS!” having heard the Queen of Not Sharing leave a few seconds before. I could MAKE the toilet paper torpedo, but how would I keep it in place? I just had to hope that my pants and unusually strong labia majora would be enough to keep it from migrating. I thanked god for the fact that I am a fatty because I thought my thighs touching might come in handy for this assignment.
I crafted my toilet paper torpedo and carefully placed it where it was most likely to prevent further damage to my pants and pride, and pulled up my jeans. I did a little dance in the stall and everything felt fairly secure. Secure enough to hike through two football fields-worth of stylish, affordable bookcases preferred by bachelors, young couples, and single moms on a budget? I hoped so.
I walked through the giant maze that is an IKEA store, grateful for the giant arrows painted on the concrete floor that kept me from wandering off the path and spending days trying to find my way back to the post cards they want you to frame and call art. I mean, I don’t WANT to go all Donner Party on other customers to survive but I will if I have to and, if you are lost in what is essentially an enormous airplane hanger that’s been converted into a giant game of Chutes & Ladders, things might get real and mistakes might be made. Delicious mistakes.
The walking was uncomfortable, but no more than you’d expect for having half a roll of toilet paper stuffed between my legs. I was in the home stretch! I was going to pull this off! I finished getting everything I needed and was making my way toward the cash registers when the walking got more comfortable, suddenly. I froze in my tracks, terrified to move. No! But the jeans! The fat! The labia majora! It couldn’t be! It was.
A horrifying tickle went down the inside of my thigh, then calf, then ankle, and the bloody toilet paper torpedo landed next to my flip flop-clad foot. I wanted to disappear. I wondered which saint Catholics pray to for the earth to open and swallow them up. I contemplated sprinting out of the store, Flo Jo-style, and never looking back. I finally did the only practical thing that came to mind: I reached down, scooped up the damp wad, and threw it in my bag while simultaneously smearing the small red wet spot on the floor with my shoe. I ran back to the ladies room, disposed of the offending item, and made another, relieved that it only had to stay in place for a few minutes until I could safely sit in the car and hold it in place with my giant ass.
The second toilet paper torpedo did what it had to do and I arrived home to start a load of laundry, which included the jeans that I had massacred and the panties I should have been wearing to prevent mortification. I also took a giant, gulf oil spill-solving size box of tampons and distributed a few to each purse I have in the house and some to the car, as well. While it’s rewarding to be the Garrison Keillor of horrifying menstruation stories, I am determined to not be caught without supplies again. At least until next month.
Twitter: PeggySueCusses
/ Jun 6 2010
OMFG I got hot flashes and my forehead broke out in a sweat just reading your ordeal. I was feeling your panic and potential embarrassment. Every time I hear of or read of a period problem/leak/disaster, I want to send my OB a thank you note for taking out my uterus 10 years ago. NOT having a period is a beautiful thing. I feel fortunate every month I don’t have one.
Peggy Brister´s last blog ..Things To Think About…
Twitter: MFA_Mama
/ Jun 6 2010
You fucking whore, you made a run to the great blue-and-gold and didn’t ask me if I and the MFA Minivan wanted in on it? I always have an o.b. or three in my purse, not to menstruate on personally, but because they’re great for nosebleeds in kids with bleeding disorders. And gunshot wounds, you know, and you’ve heard the things that come out of MY mouth: it’s good to be prepared for any eventuality is what I’m saying.
Twitter: L8enough
/ Jun 6 2010
Of course, I’ve done the toilet paper torpedo although I wrap the toilet paper AROUND my panties for added security (which clearly was not an option in the IKEA Menstrual Incident of Summer 2010. Or maybe the just of June 2010 since I won’t bet against another bloodbath this summer. Because you will use all those tampons next month, forget to restock and VIOLA! August bloodbath. And I’ll have July covered since my period comes whenever it feels like it. YAY!)
Alex@LateEnough´s last blog ..A Crisis of Religion, Not A Crisis of Faith
Twitter: alittlebitrock
/ Jun 6 2010
You are my hero for writing about the toilet paper torpedo! And I wouldn’t let a little ole thing like a period keep me outta IKEA either — since ours is also over an hour away. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do and all.
Andrea´s last blog .."The Fixer"
N-o-V-a_s-u-R-e…….ask your gyn about it next time. They fry off your endometrium and then???? There is no shit left to deal with each month like this. It’s been 6 months and I have NOT purchased a single feminine product and I am 39.
I get the feeling from your blog you are done with kids, so it may be an option for you. I got so sick of the Texas Chain Saw Massacre every time I had a training run. Wish I had done it sooner.
The hormones still do their thing and the boobage hurts a bit but nothing like the iron rake scraping out your insides kwim?????
Peace and love – periods suuuuuuuuuuuck xxxoxoxoxoxoxo!
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ Jun 6 2010
I’m thinking when the time is right, you and I should see about getting a two-for-one deal on getting all our lady bizz REMOVED
HYSTERECTOMY Sister
Can you put those on layaway?
JT
x
Jenny Talia´s last blog ..video of the week(end)
I do not miss those days, nope not one little bit.
linlah´s last blog ..I think my neighbor is an oxymoron.
Twitter: Bellalarrew
/ Jun 6 2010
I am so glad you post these stories! I thought i was the only one who had to make the toilet paper pads! i had one time where i wasn’t wearing underwear and monthly monster started, now i keep one quarter in my wallet behind my drivers license, that way i always have one, the only time i’m screwed is when the bathrooms don’t have a dispenser, which happens in my town A LOT!!! freakin’ jerks…
Ah, see, that’s where you went wrong. You don’t use the tp to make a a pad, you use it to make a tampon! Or, if they’re handy, a paper towel. I give you, examples!
http://www.ehow.com/how_5520771_make-tampon-emergency.html
http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/000225.html
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Jun 7 2010
i’ve had to resort to the t.p. torpedo more than i care to admit, too. i’ve also had to take the massacred underwear off because the t.p. wasn’t nearly strong enough to absorb the mess and put those damn things in the feminine product receptacle. i feel so bad for the poor person who had to empty that thing.
pattypunker´s last blog ..dear tipper gore, get a real cause this time around.
Twitter: zoerights
/ Jun 7 2010
My nether regions just clenched in sympathy the entire post.
Ahhhh!
Zoe Right´s last blog ..Relatives: Can’t drop them off a bridge, can’t leave them in the desert
in high school i stood up from my seat only to find that i’d leaked through my pad and left a major blood stain in the chair. it did great things for my popularity, for sure.
Tiffany´s last blog ..In the boudoir: I’m too sexy
Twitter: theloushe
/ Jun 7 2010
The dampness! The dread! Oh, god, I had sympathy trickle while reading this, I think. Ugh. Not only am I familiar with the pad-style TP torpedo, I’ve done the DIY tampon trick as well. Suckage. So glad that Aunt Flo calls ahead before visiting these days. Showing up without warning is just bad manners.
Jess´s last blog ..word of the day 154/365: baseball
When I was in my blood spewing days, I loaded up all my purses, too. But mostly I stayed home. A lot. I had to cringe about the underwear thing though, as I am old school and would never go without. (And I’ve got the loaded up underwear drawer to prove it.)
Twitter: _sidetracked_
/ Jun 7 2010
Hilarious! the toilet paper torpedo, for the last 2 years of trying to get pregnant i was too stubborn to stock up on tampons, so i have to admit to at least one torpedo a month, luckily i was never caught off guard on ” laundry day” . Thanks for your post
I love Ikea!
I had my uterus removed, not by choice, but happy this longer happens to me!
Twitter: lovinstilettos
/ Jun 7 2010
OMFG! I’ve totally had this happen to me before. More times than I would like to admit. I’m never prepared for that shit. NEVER!!
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos´s last blog ..♥The Giveaway You’ve All Been Waiting For – Even if you are too shy to admit it
Twitter: mrsnotouching
/ Jun 7 2010
I think this post should be included in the instructional booklet for all the girls hitting puberty. And if you make a video of how to make paper torpedoes… well… you can thank me later for this million dollar idea.
mrs.notouching´s last blog ..Because…
Oh my goodness, this story was hysterical!
Is it bad that I feel that it would not have been complete without the bloody wad of toilet paper falling from your pants?? Your embarrassment = great blog fodder.
Coma Girl´s last blog ..Mommy Management Monday – File Cabinet
Twitter: x_rook_x
/ Jun 8 2010
Oh god I love Ikea.
But I hate that period ordeal.
A few years ago my body randomly exploded all over my best friends moms van. We’re talking civil war bloodshed.
Gut wound bloodshed.
Arterial spray bloodshed!
And to make things worse it was with her, her gay brother, her mom, and her adorable little old man dad who has Parkinson’s. And I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know what to do and I wanted to sprint out and pretend it wasn’t me.
But instead when we got into town I yelled at the top of my lungs.
“UH I JUST BLED ALL OVER YOUR SEAT I’M SO SORRY.”
and her mother goes “Oh, no worries. Kati does it on a near monthly basis. I have stuff to take care of that.”
And Kati just sunk down into the seat next to me and we both just died of embarrassment.
GO GIRLS!
Rook´s last blog ..Ten Mini-Secrets of Life People Should Have Told You About.
Twitter: mommakiss
/ Jun 8 2010
jaysus christ on a cracker, horrifying experience. particularly the bloody show at the flip flop.
I’m like someone up there – I wrap it AROUND my undies. What a bitch karma is to make you gush on laundry day when you’re all commando and shit.
you didn’t mention, tho, did you get the meat balls? I bet the tampon hoarder did.
MommaKiss´s last blog ..Momma Juice! [giveaway - ends 6.13]
Twitter: strawbrykiwi
/ Jun 8 2010
Toilet paper torpedo to the rescue!!!! Your telling of this made me wince from all the times I’ve had to do something similar!
Twitter: trainingpdx
/ Jun 8 2010
Hey! Wait! I actually WAS in the prom scene from Carrie. No, it’s true, I was an 19 year old extra in the movie. Making movies is so boring that even though you’ve just made more money in one day than you do working all week in the deli (this is a long long time ago, right) after two days you quit and go to the beach because sitting around for 14 hours a day while a scene is set up makes you want to stick knitting needles in your scull.
Niki -
I know, right? Being a girl is totally complicated.
MommaKiss -
You KNOW that bitch got some meatballs as she casually strolled, all dry and shit. Sadly, I had to pass. I was in a bit of a hurry.
Rook -
I’ve ruined couches. Not COUCH. COUCHES. I feel your van story, friend.
Coma Girl -
Thanks for commenting! I have to talk about this junk here because my friends are tired of hearing every detail of my period. Someday, I will write a period book. Count on it.
mrs. notouching -
Already in production and coming soon to an internet near you.
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos -
Girl, we’ve all done it. Every time I buy tampons I think “God, these shits are expensive” but, when you are caught without, they are priceless.
Jane -
I’m sorry someone stole your insidey parts. I am not above sharing mine. It’s 38 years old and kind of janked up from having two kids but mi uterus es su uterus. Also, if it weren’t for IKEA, I wouldn’t have furniture.
Wupppy -
Oh, god, I’ve been there on the trying to get pregnant thing and thinking that buying tampons would be a self-fulfilling prophesy. Thanks for commenting, blood sister.
Cincy -
The worst is having to work while bleeding. Sometimes I’ll be talking to a customer and thinking “Hurry the hell up, I’m soiling myself.” Oh, and every time I stock up on underwear, the dog thinks it’s a frigging buffet. I swear her intestines are lined with pink cotton.
Jess -
I’ve never made the DIY tampon but the fact that you have makes us blood sisters foreverty ever.
Tiffany -
A hundred kinds of love for this comment. In jr high I brought a sweatshirt with me every day, even when it was hot, because I was always bleeding on things.
pattypunker -
I have abandoned more panties in restroom garbage cans than I have in my drawer right now. My current job and all the disgusting shit I have to pick up are my punishment for torturing janitors for the past twenty years.
Kali -
Brilliant! I love all things period and I just learned something new. You win my blog today.
Jessica -
Thing is, I ALWAYS had quarters before I had teens. Now, I’m lucky if I find a stray penny. You’re right, no one fills the dispensers anymore, they just leave them b/c they don’t want a big hole in the wall. Judo chop!
linlah -
At least they are good for stories!
Jenny Talia -
Okay, but I want to keep tits and ovaries. Can we do that?
TheMarathonMom -
“fry off your endometrium”?? I think I remember reading about this. Like cauterizing, right? I’ll ask, but odds are I am going to run from the room screaming before she finishes the description. Peace and love to you, sister. Thanks for commenting!
Andrea -
Hell yes! Not like you can run home so persevere persevere persevere for the good of your decor.
Alex@LateEnough -
We need to go in together on the Whale Vagina pack. They aren’t bigger, but there are more of them. Whales like to use a lot of tampons at one time. It’s true, look it up.
MFA Mama -
It was an emergency trip, which I am planning on blogging tomorrow. Maybe. It’s kind of ouchie. If you always have o.b., you are invited everywhere.
Peggy Brister -
I like having it, but I am a hopeless mess. I just like to think of it as leaving my mark on the world. Like handprints in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater.
Twitter: laurenne
/ Jun 10 2010
WHAT!? I can’t believe you wrote about this. You. Are. Amazing.
I am not a believer in underwear. So, unfortunately, this has happened to me so many times. Not so many times. Maybe 5. And sometimes I can’t find the abandoned torpedo. But I’ve never ever thought to share this with anyone. Can’t believe you did. Love it.
Oh, no- I am also guilty of the homemade-TP-maxi. Off to stock all purses, gym bags, and diaper totes…
The Sweetest´s last blog ..Selected Shorts
Twitter: mattjh2
/ Jun 10 2010
I can’t believe I read this all the way through. I normally run – nay, SPRINT – away from period talk. Because I’m 12. But I read this one. The whole thing. If I ever see you wearing dark jeans, you know what I’ll be thinking. Again, because I’m 12.
MattOnFire´s last blog ..On the Jay-Oh-Bee tip
Sometime dark jeans are just dark jeans, Matt. So…you’ll never know!
Twitter: thenextmartha
/ Jun 10 2010
This? This is genius. I think I laughed at every paragraph and that is very difficult to make me do. I had TEARS going down my cheek. This is getting the scrapbook for those suck ass days. This will bring me sunshine.
thenextmartha´s last blog ..Protected: Where O Where do chipmunks go?
Twitter: meredithblumoff
/ Jun 10 2010
Sister mercy, lady, I cannot get enough of you! Done this sooo many times, no need to count – in addition to bleeding on old boyfs’ parents’ couches, movie theatre seats, SWINGS, yeesh.
Twitter: ooph
/ Jun 10 2010
The vodka that just came shooting out of my nose singed off my nose hairs. So. I guess. Thank you.
Stefanie´s last blog ..blind date
Twitter: sitsgirls
/ Jun 10 2010
Hi.lar.i.ous.
That was awesome.
I so know the torpedo.
Tiffany {SITS GIRLS}´s last blog ..Psoriatic Arthritis.
Twitter: Alena29
/ Jun 10 2010
I just died a hundred deaths because I HAVE BEEN THERE!! Just imagine that feeling on a plane taking off and being unable to move??? Torture!!!!!
Alena´s last blog ..How many of you plan on giving a Fathers Day Card?
Twitter: runaway_tweets
/ Jun 11 2010
You are SO smooth, very impressive. Thanks for sharing. I can hardly breathe.
Marian´s last blog ..so close, yet so far away
OMG girl! ROTFLMAO!! Sorry for your trauma but it made my day!
Lindsay ´s last blog ..A Bud Light Lime and Tostitos Kind of Night
Twitter: TheKitchenette
/ Jun 11 2010
I DIE.
This was hysterical, but yes, my ovaries clenched in sympathy. (Or maybe it was a clench to signal, “hey bitch, we’re watching you, the moment you’re without a tampon…”)
Twitter: BiteMeBaker
/ Jun 11 2010
Oh my god. You win. EVERYTHING.
ROFL!! I have done that soooo many times myself….the toilet paper torpedo AND having not worn undies…Same thing, laundry day. Thanks so much for sharing this, can’t believe you did really! Kudos! And yes’m….that uterus burning thing (I can never remember what it’s called) is AWESOME!!! Been over a year for me without a period and I am lovin’ every single one of em!
Dawn M´s last blog ..Hello world!
Twitter: sandiegomomma
/ Jun 11 2010
Oh no! I do hope you weren’t near the white Clotka couches when that happened. Also, had I been there I totally would have lent you my iPad.
Plus! To make you feel better: A few summers ago I was menstruating at the beach where I unwittingly got a little wet from a rogue wave that soaked my tampon, causing it to SLIDE OUT OF MY BATHING SUIT and onto the sand in front of thousands on beachgoing onlookers.
Times like that I wish I had balls instead of a uterus.
Twitter: Alittlebiteof
/ Jun 11 2010
OMG, this is the funniest thing I have read all week. I too, have had to resort to the “torpedo”, and have it drop out too, but not around other people, and definitely NOT in IKEA. Rock on sister!
Jules
http://www.alittlebiteoflife.net
Twitter: lanieree
/ Jun 11 2010
Oh man, I wish I didn’t identify with this story. I was laughing so hard when I read this, because I have too many stories that are very, very similar. Except one time I didn’t pick up the torpedo when it fell out. And yes, I am ashamed of myself. But I was on a date, and terrified that he would look down before I grabbed it. So I just kept walking…
Twitter: LMCarden
/ Jun 11 2010
I really almost peed myself when I read this. I was sitting at work and reading it on my phone, and my coworker was so intrigued I had to let her read it too (with the same reaction). Fantastic, I will most definitely be back to read more!!
Lisa´s last blog ..Shall I repeat myself a little dumber so you can undestand me?
Twitter: tophersgirl1
/ Jun 11 2010
Best post about a trip to IKEA II’ve ever read, that’s for damn sure. Also, I would have lost my shit when it fell on the floor. I may even have pretended to have a seizure just so I could tell people that’s what happened.
I am totally awful with my period too. I’ve ruined more sheets than I care to count. But let me just say I just read a ton of your posts and I think you are the coolest person in the world (yes, my world is very small). Seriously, you rock my socks. Not like you need to hear this, but don’t ever stop being you because that would be a tragedy.
This happened to me a few weeks ago, but I was on a airplane flying cross country. I had to use the free pad that they keep in the lu – the pad was bigger than the bathroom. As soon as we landed, I found my elusive quarter- but the machine was out! My husband just looked at me in awe as I ducked into every.single.bathroom that we cross on the way to baggage claim.
Whew – what an effort to be a girl!
Not There Yet´s last blog ..In Dreams
Not There Yet -
Oh, god, the utilipad! Big as a mattress, stiff as a board, the adhesive of a pre-used post-it note. Sometimes I’d kill for that mattress between my legs, though. I’d still rather have a vagina than a penis, but sometimes just barely.
Emily -
Your small world is now officially my favorite place. And I always need to hear that I rock socks. Especially on a day like today. Thank you, really.
Mae -
I considered walking away from it, but in my job I have to pick up people’s used napkins and kleenex and tiny sample cups, and I wouldn’t want anyone to have to pick up my bloody chunk. The seizure is a good one and I am totally going to keep it in my pocket for next time. Because there’s always a next time.
Lisa -
Thanks for the compliment. Both of you. And, just FYI, I think the toilet paper torpedo works for tinkle, too. Who am I kidding, I KNOW it does.
Helena -
Kicking the torpedo to the side is perfectly acceptable when on a date. I absolve you of all shame.
San Diego Momma -
Oh no! Rogue waves are the worst! I am a San Diego Momma, born and bred. Maybe I saw your horror! I would give you awkward slippery hugs after.
Can you imagine having balls? That tackle CAN’T be easy to haul around! I’ll take my vag, any day.
Dawn M -
I never judge another woman’s uterus, bbq’d or not. I’ll bet you still have some killer period stories!
Chelsea -
Thank you so much! Both for reading and taking the time to comment. I could use some winning right about now.
Carter @ The Kitchenette -
Ovaries are the Russians, circa USSR days. They are just waiting for us to point our mushroom clouds at someone else, then they will attack. Jerks.
Lindsay -
I aims to please. My pain is your gain. Besides, ridiculously cheap bedding is my way of getting the last laugh.
Marian -
I have never once in my life been called “smooth”. Hey, new best friend.
Alena -
It’s not the not moving that gets ya, it’s having to move again. Oh, and I just got excited because I thought I invented absorbent underwear, but realized they already exist and are called diapers and I think they are already invented. Crap.
Tiffany (SITS GIRLS) -
There is no way that your perfection knows the torpedo! This gives me hope.
Stefanie -
Look, you have a choice: You can either use one of those old man trimmer things or read this blog. DON’T BE AN OLD MAN. You’re welcome.
meredith -
A girl I absolutely hated in high school was named Meredith and I called her Meredeath but you, you’re wonderful.
thenextmartha -
You are darling. And skirt swimsuits are Old Hollywood glam and totally in. xo
Cincy -
I wear dark jeans almost every day. I like a little bit of mystery.
MattOnFire -
Like I tell my spayed friends, you don’t have to bleed to enjoy period chat. You do have to be older than 12, though. Sorry.
The Sweetest -
After I wrote this, I bought the biggest box of protection that Walgreens had to offer. Now it’s just remembering to take them places that will be the challenge.
laurenne -
Thanks! It’s okay to believe that the torpedo has vanished. Especially if you don’t feel like looking that hard for it. I’m okaying that.
Twitter: stopbouncing
/ Jun 18 2010
The plus of the torpedo is not getting adhesive stuck in your pubes.
That may be the only plus.
Where exactly do you live that tampons are a quarter? GIRL! them things are a dollar here in Miami. Bah!
Annah´s last blog ..CHRONICLES OF A MIAMI MEMORIAL WEEKEND (FINAL PART) RECOVERING CRACKHEADS AND A FILTHY COCKROACH
Twitter: ificouldescape
/ Jun 22 2010
Holy shit balls! So sorry to be laughing at your expense, but I did. I laughed and cringed because I’ve so been there! I call it the toilet paper wad, but much prefer your name. LOL Glad to have found your blog. Adding you to my reader before I go and forget.
If I Could Escape´s last blog ..Being still and taking stock …
that very seriously made me pee my pants. i can’t even tell you how many times i have had to use the tpt. luckily i have never lost one…
kari -
I’m sorry about your pants. Hey, if you go pantsless you won’t have to worry about leaks!
If I Could Escape -
It’s okay to laugh at my expense. That’s why I tell my mortifying stories. Great to blogmeet you.
Annah -
The IKEA ladies room. I’ll bring you four, because I like you a whole dollar’s worth.
stephanie -
Ah, the whitetrash brazilian wax. My favorite.
Twitter: litanyofbritt
/ Jun 27 2010
NO!!!!!! As soon as you described the toilet paper torpedo I was all DON’T FALL OUT THE PANT LEG!!!!! But alas. That sucks balls. Totally happened to me before too. But not in Ikea. Still, horrors.
britt´s last blog ..The Uke Zombie
Twitter: Thiefree
/ Jun 27 2010
You poor soul! I’ve been… erm… less than prepared, on more than one occasion, and yes sometimes a little improvisation is necessary. Thank God I’ve switched to a mooncup. I just leave it in my bag when I’m not using it and forget about it, and I’ve not had to resort to the torpedo since!
So… yes. It may be worth considering.
Thiefree´s last blog ..Kilt and céilidh
Twitter: missbritt
/ Jun 27 2010
You are a shopping champ. I’d have quit at the first sign of wayward blood.
Miss Britt´s last blog ..My Before and “After” Pictures Really
I literally have absolutely no idea when my period is coming. It could be tomorrow or in two weeks, I have no idea. I’ve never remembered to keep track, so there have been a hundred episodes of, oh-shit! I should not have been given the responsibility of a period.
LS´s last blog ..Cars Actually Need Oil – Oil Change Giveaway
Twitter: karsund
/ Jun 28 2010
I’ll see your Ikea and raise you a “first day of cruise to Mexico” story. Not only had my luggage not arrived to my room yet but the bathrooms were out of tampons and this is AFTER we found someone who could change us for quarters. Can’t use your sail and sign card for the tampon machine. After I finally found one, I sat on the toilet, flushed it and it almost sucked me down to the Atlantic Ocean. I then burst into tears sitting on deck with vacationers wondering what the hell was my problem.
Karsun´s last blog ..GoodReads
Mah goodness, The Bloggess sent me over here and your little anecdote was hilarious and painful!
Reminds me of one particular bloodbath I had. So bad I made mother get me from school after exhausting my supply and embarrassing myself (and I mean, I walked home from school after hurting my ankle cos I was a big time NERD).
All clean and de-Carrie-fied, we drove into town to… buy all the pads they had, I guess. BUT, I sneezed just before leaving the car, and suddenly pants and a new car seat were added to the shopping list.
Of course, my uterus is much better behaved now it’s deprived of iron and such.
Twitter: Elisa_Ashley
/ Jun 28 2010
Don’t remember how I got here, but I’m glad I did.
Novasure. Had it done July 2007. Bled for 4 months, had two months of no periods, then regular (more normal) periods…had a baby two years afterwards. Do NOT recommend. :/
Do the torpedo thing too. Never thought to wrap it around my panties. Hmm.
NEVER EVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH NO PANTIES! Not even to Ikea. Nothing is THAT urgent.
And? I’m 41 now. My periods have gone from surprising me by arriving on different time schedules every month to pretty much just never leaving. I’m on a continual tampon loop. Hoping this is perimenopause and someday “hey! I’m not bleeding today” will become “Hey, I haven’t had a period in a really long time. I must be done. WOOT!”
Gah.
Elisa´s last blog ..Live- Laugh- Love
Came here from the Bloggess. Wonderful post. Been there, done similar. My worst story involved a bloodbath at a company dinner in a posh hotel with upholstered seats. Before my hysterectomy, I had gushers and I felt one let loose at dinner. When I got up to find the ladies room, I saw the big stain on the chair, pushed it under the table and kind of backed out of the room. No pads or change, so I also had to resort to the tpt (didn’t think of wrapping around the panties at that time, but later learned). The saving grace that day was that the dress I wore was a brown busy paisley jumper with some red in it, so the stain was totally not noticable at first glance. I made my way back to the stained chair and counted the minutes until I could excuse myself for the evening. Then I needed to toddle to the car without the tpt falling out, which was easily possible when wearing a dress and no panty hose and elastic sprung underwear. One of those things you never forget. Thanks for sharing. I’ll be back.
Oh, why, oh WHY do we do this to ourselves? How many toilet paper torpedoes have I made in my day? Too many, that’s for sure. I actually have patented the trick of wrapping the paper around my underwear just like the wings on the fancy REAL maxi pads. It’s awesome. It’s REALLY awesome when you get to peel it off of your underwear, later on.
Being a girl is so dainty.
tracey´s last blog ..I just wanted a smoothie- damnit
My friend made me totally paranoid about packing tampons on the plane BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE C4 on a X-ray!!!
Ah, the toilet paper torpedo! Love those!
The checker at the Rite Aid down the street from my office is getting used to me popping in on my lunch break every 28 days on the nose for a jumbo box of tampons, a travel-sized container of pantyliners, 3 bags of Dove Promises, 2 bottles of Diet Coke and a bottle of Aleve. Then I set up camp at my desk and get absolutely nothing done for the remainder of the day. The nice thing is everyone steers clear of my office when they see me stomping in with those Rite Aid bags which leaves me free to shop online for the rest of the afternoon.
I love being a woman.
Okay, I had my first period last fall, sort of, and then I sort of had two and a half more, and then all that stopped while my body decided to grow upwards a few more inches instead. So for the past six months I’ve been kind of worrying, like, what’s wrong with me? Am I a total freak for being like five years behind on all this bloodmaking business?
And now after reading your post I’ve realized it’s completely insane for me to wish menstruation upon myself, and I should happily embrace my own bloodless freakishness instead of feeling inappropriately prepubescent and unwomanly and all that.
The only problem is now I have all these horrible visions of blood-drenched jeans and sopping flip-flops and smeary tile floors and shredding, dissolving toilet-paper torpedoes and gapingly empty tampon dispensers and, oh, I just know I probably have totally inadequate labia majora too, so thanks a lot, really, thanks a lot for replacing one fear with something even worse and in the process imprinting these images on my brain for the REST OF MY LIFE.
Siren -
As long as you are healthy, I say embrace whatever blood does or doesn’t come. Sorry about scarring you.
Kim -
Your period ritual is sublime. We should all have them. I’m going to tailor it to me and start this month!
Essie -
Thereby justifying the toilet paper torpedo. Now I’m scared to fly. You know, in case terrorists have their periods.
tracey -
Oh, the peeling it off the underwear! Torture!! How about the waddle that accompanies it? Dainty, indeed.
physicsmom -
Thanks for sharing your period story. I am obsessed with collecting them. Remind me to tell you how I’ve ruined two couches. Not mine.
Elisa – It’s so poetically fucked that we bleed constantly before never bleeding again. The universe is kind of an asshole, sometimes.
I’m going to start a band and call it Tampon Loop.
Procrastinateher -
I have black upholstery in my car. It’s not an accident. So glad you stopped by and shared!
Karsun -
Wha? All inclusive should include feminine protection, dude! And are cruise ship toilets extra sucky? I would never have known that! Thank you for sharing your story.
LS –
I signed up for monthlyinfo.com but it takes a few months to really get to know you. For now, I’m still hanging out in crazyperiodland. I am also totally unqualified to bleed. They should screen girls, somehow.
Miss Britt -
IKEA, Britt, IKEA!! I’m going to write a series of books about vampire hobos and call it Wayward Blood.
Thiefree -
Googling mooncup now. I love period technology, thanks!
britt -
It’s like yelling at the movie screen when the babysitter goes outside at night to investigate the strange noises. You can scream yourself hoarse, but girl gonna get hacked.
Ahhhh when you feel it running down your legs you need to use the wiggle kick method. Mmmmhmmm you heard me, like kicking candy under a bookshelf. wiggle and kick.
This story was hysterical! I could not stop laughing- I’m sorry this happened but you told it in such a humorous way! Good luck next month!
Twitter: harmzie
/ Jul 2 2010
“A beautiful part of being a woman” she said when I was 12. It sounded like a bunch of crap, so I guess I went in with an extreme attitude, and not much has changed. I’d still rather that Aunt Flo just send me a text message every time she’s sure I’m not pregnant. Maybe a basket of muffins.
The Hoarder will get her Karma when she’s doing high-kicks after catching her big break on DWTS. In white spandex.
Who HASN’T made a toilet paper pad before? I mean, come on. Nobody’s perfect as Hannah Montana would say
I feel for ya. Fuck periods. They suck. I don’t want to hear any of that “it’s beautiful” crap
Caitlin´s last blog ..A book is a gift you can open again and again- except theres no shiny wrapping paper
This is like the right of passage for womanhood…I may or may not have had to use gum to get a penny out of a tampon machine one time because I was having an emergency and absolutely needed one and some idiot had put a penny in there thinking they could fool the machine into thinking a penny was a quarter. Happy you survived.
Tara -
Oh, the gum story is fantastic. Desperate times, baby. Desperate times. Ditto on the survival.
Caitlin -
I am pro-period, I just can’t seem to wrangle and hogtie mine into behaving!
harmzie -
White spandex is all I ever wished on The Hoarder. Thanks for getting behind me on that.
I’ll text you the status of your reproductive system anytime.
Rebecca -
If you can’t laugh at yourself, what’s left? Besides Lindsay Lohan and Glenn Beck, I mean.
Cranberry -
Nothing wrong with the wiggle and kick, so long as I don’t have to clean up after you.