Victorian Morality Is Alive And Well And, Apparently, Being Produced By My Womb. Long Live The Queen.
During our usual Sunday roundtable over tacos and refried beans, my son remarked that he thinks teenagers who get pregnant are just plain stupid.
Is that a tiny crack called “opportunity” I see? SEX TALK!
We went over the basics, which we do every six months or so, anyway.
“It takes two to get pregnant. Asexual reproduction is rare in humans. Even more rare if you are not a biblical character.”
“The pill is good, but doesn’t protect either partner from STD’s. Unless you count pregnancy as an STD. Which I totally do.”
“The only safe sex is solo sex but condoms are a more realistic option and will keep the makeup off of your private parts. Wait, we’re talking about mime sex, right?”
You know, the usual stuff. Punctuated by the usual eye rolls.
As soon as I said the word “masturbation”, my daughter sighed and pulled out her disapproving whisper.
“Should we be talking about this here? I mean, there are children around. Two of which you gave birth to. One of which doesn’t WANT to eat her quesadilla in the bathroom, but WILL if she has to.”
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: PeggySueCusses
/ May 31 2010
I know my children aren’t ready for any kind of sex talk yet because when I bring it up my daughter does the stick your fingers in your ears *LALALALALALA I can’t hear you!!* Thing and my son begs “Please mom NO” I will wait a few years. They are just 9 & 10 yet. But I would try to slip in some condom info if a situation like that arose in my house too.
.-= Peggy Brister´s last blog ..Do Cow Farts Really Hurt The Environment? =-.
“We are not amused.”
Except not really.
Twitter: pattypunker
/ May 31 2010
keep taking those opportunities. we did it repeatedly when it came to talking to strangers or looking both ways before crossing the street. and when they get older we have to do the same when it comes to the safety of sex. we can’t let up just because it’s awk for them and they try to manipulate us into not talking about it. *applause*
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..10 important factoids about me =-.
Twitter: undineocean
/ May 31 2010
Our oldest (12.5 going on 30) has the same humiliated look. Cue last week where we were making nachos in the kitchen at 1145pm, because really, he is the maturest one in the house, and we were explaining to him in the absence of solo sex, if the girls just WONT leave you alone, use protection and hey you know there are tons of things that aren’t actual sex but still pass on STI’s..[which is what they call them out here in the sticks, apparently]..I thought he was going to DIE from mortification. Even worse was because his Dad and I ended the conversation practically holding each other up, howling with laughter. Poor kid. He’s cursed with immature, sarcastic, wise-cracking parents, one who is a complete prude (ain’t me) and one who is so straight out blunt about sex he likes to pass notes to my husband when he has questions.
I think it’s awesome. Keep spamming them with info–because even if they are threatening to eat in the bathroom (hilarious!)..they’re listening. And really that’s all that counts. Mortification be damned!
.-= J´s last blog ..Found Image =-.
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ May 31 2010
Any time your kids need a break, send ‘em ’round to my joint
10 minutes with me & they’ll run, screaming back to their ‘normal’ Mum
It’d be a swap though – you’d get Miss 6 & 4 as a trade
And the 140 pound dog
When’s your schedule free?
JT
x
.-= Jenny Talia´s last blog ..video of the week =-.
Twitter: MarinkaNYC
/ May 31 2010
Wait a minute! Are you really not going to give us a recipe for the quesadillas?!
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..Mixed Feelings =-.
Twitter: x_rook_x
/ May 31 2010
Oh my god DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I GOT THE SEX TALK?
Okay, I’m sure you can all know that even in the year 2000, yahoo instant messenger totally had a fuck ton of those “I’m naked and wet and I want you RIGHT NOW Click here to see me on cam [pornlink]” things.
In the year 2000 I was thirteen, by the way.
Well at one point, some of them were pretty raunchy. Really, really, really raunchy. So one day I’m at drama club and when mom picks me up she is very serious, which is strange because she is never serious.
So we get home and she marches me over to the computer and she points at my yahoo instant messenger which had some porn bot telling me how bad she wanted me to …well… do her.
And I was all “Yeah, its a porn bot? So what?”
And my mom is like “YOU CAN GET PREGNANT FROM SEX.”
And launched into an awkward hour and a half long talk about how sex worked and how if I really needed to have sex she would take me to get birth control or buy me condoms or whatever.
And I was just all
“…BUT IT SERIOUSLY IS A PORN ADVERTISEMENT MOTHER IT IS CALLED THE INTERNET.”
We laugh about it now but since I am 23 I think she’s loosened up just ever so slightly.
.-= Rook´s last blog ..SHITTY PICTURES I TOOK WITH MY CELLPHONE =-.
Totally worth the mortification. My mom was a sort-of-hippie marriage therapist who started me on the sex talks in PRESCHOOL and kept on with updates from there. As a teenager I thought it was the most embarrassing thing imaginable. But later in life I saw a lot of friends with a lot of messed-up attitudes toward sexuality, courtesy of parents that treated it as a big, shameful secret while the media was simultaneously screaming “go, go, go!” And I was belatedly grateful for those talks.
.-= TwoWishes Tara´s last blog ..If You Like It, Make a Link to It =-.
Twitter: Soulprncs3
/ Jun 1 2010
Oh God, help me. I am so not ready for this. Sure it is easy at the moment. When asked where do babies come from, I can simply say from my belly, because that is, at least, where MY babies come from. And when asked how did the baby get in my stomach, a simple Daddy put it there was enough. I am so going to fail the real sex talk. Maybe I can just show them 16 and pregnant and scare the hell out of them.
.-= SoMo´s last blog ..My Free Range Kids =-.
mexican food and contraception talk totally go together. i read a post yesterday about placenta tacos. no contraception–no placenta taco. it’s just that simple.
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..I have nothing against foreigners, but if I did, it would probably sound something like this =-.
Twitter: zoerights
/ Jun 3 2010
I like to do it in the car. They are trapped-can’t go anywhere. Although I’m quite sure they can run screaming into traffic- but haven’t quite taken that option yet.
I really like to “have the talk” when friends are in the car. If I can edujumacate a whole herd at once all the better.
“Sex is normal/natural. Masturbation is normal.natural. You aren’t ready to have sex yet. You think you are but you’re not.”
Then I like to pull the pictures out of the glove compartment. See this…this is what genital herpes looks like. Yum!
.-= Zoe Right´s last blog ..Squirrels aren’t Awesome =-.
Tacos!!!!!! Yummy. And you give great advice. Rock on.
.-= Annah´s last blog ..Butt Grabber on the Loose Ladies! =-.
Good for you! I recently finished a great book on raising kids and sexuality, and I will re-read it when my son is older. It’s called Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They’d Ask). The link:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1400051282?tag=theswee-20&camp=0&creative=0&linkCode=as1&creativeASIN=1400051282&adid=1EMDA99Q15SFZ0CH8HWY&
.-= The Sweetest´s last blog ..“Un-tuitive” Mom =-.
The Sweetest -
That book looks awesome. I might write one of my own when we see how this whole “raising kids” thing shakes down.
Annah -
Thanks. I never got the talk, so they get more of it than they want. Overparenting is my specialty.
Zoe Right -
I like to use euphemisms like “…put his ding dong in her bing bong” just to make it more embarrassing and, hopefully, more memorable, too.
Tiffany -
Placenta recipes don’t freak as much as confound me. I don’t want to eat any part of myself. Well, you know.
SoMo -
16 and Pregnant is one of the weapons in my arsenal of bonerkillers. Thanks MTV.
TwoWishes Tara -
I hope my knowitall (but completely charming) daughter is the one setting her friends straight. The other parents seem really repressed (and don’t have much use for me which is nice b/c then I don’t have to pretend they are interesting). Viva information!
Rook -
Her advice stands. You CAN get pregnant from sex. Also, click here for my naughty pics.
Marinka -
I like the part where you accused me of cooking. Oh, darling, I have that shit flown in. From Mexico. They don’t have a layover in AZ anymore, though, because my quesadillas kept getting deported and I almost died of starvation (please see size 16 pants for proof).
J -
Mexican food is totally conducive to sex talks. No wonder taco bell is open so late. Laughing is the best way to normalize something completely horrifying like sex, anyway. Good on ya.
Peggy Brister -
I STILL do the “LALALALALA I can’t hear you!” when my mom seems the slightest big human. That shit never ends.
Hugh Jarse -
Double negatives rule.