The Greatest Show On Earth
This is a version of the story I told last night at my big comedy show debut. It was well-received and so was I. Thank you to everyone who came out to support me and to Richmond Comedy Coalition for making it happen. If you missed it, never fear, I’ve got a few more tricks up my sleeve.
I once dated a guy who was a 35 year old virgin. He had learned what little he knew about sex from pornography which, in theory, seemed totally endearing and somewhat hot. In practice, though, it left a lot to be desired. And it took a long, long time to get to the practice. You know, because of the whole “virgin” thing. When we finally got to it (my suggestion, naturally), I ended up the sadclown in a 3 ring shit circus.
We headed upstairs in his parents’ house, which was where he lived (hey! how ’bout them stereotypes?), for my first glimpse of his bedroom. It smelled musty, like an old man’s pockets, and was covered in stacks of comic books. Like, every square inch had not just a comic book on it but at least a foot of them. Also, Toy Story sheets.
He tried to undress me in a sexy way but I wasn’t having any of that. I had waited two months and it felt like this might take two more months, so I hissed, “Stop it! Just take off your clothes!” You know, because I’m a lady. Also, we all know that there was no way a virgin was going to figure out a bra clasp his first time out, right? Right.
So, we’re nude. He’s ready. I’m ready. We’re standing next to the bed. I’m a cowgirl and I’m trying to figure out how to get this guy to lay down. He’s standing there, awkwardly grabbing my breasts and kissing me, but in a weird half-mouth/half-face kind of way. Like he missed his mark but kept on trucking like a little trooper.
“Um, hey, you wanna lay down?”
“No, I wanna slide my throbbing love muscle into your beautiful flower.”
“I’m sorry?”
“I want to bury my throbbing cock in your secret garden?”
“No talking, okay?”
“Okay.”
I finally got tired of standing there, naked, staring and kissing in a way that was making my semi into a bye-bye and climbed up on the bed. He was 6′ 7″, I am 5′ 6″. It really was a climb. I laid there as he sort of hung over me on all fours, unsure of what to do.
“Really, if you’ll lie down, I’ll take care of this.”
Still hovering. No laying. Just looking at me.
“Are you going to join me down here?”
“Can I talk now?”
“Yes. What is it?”
“I want to snake my tongue deep into your hot, juicy pussy…”
“I gotta go.”
“Please stay.”
I did. For thirty more minutes of Cirque du MakeMeGay. Porn had taught him such valuable lessons as “girls can climax from just intercourse”, “sixty-nine is fundamental so climb on up there and dangle it in her face”, and “hey, she’s got another hole, fill it!” The acrobatics rivaled those of a Russian gymnast and felt desperate and sad. Any attempts I made were half-hearted, at best. In the end, neither the throbbing love muscle nor the hot, juicy pussy met their bliss.
Not even I’m horrible enough to break up with someone after that shit show, so I hung in for another month or so. We never again attempted what he called “lovemaking”. Barf. We still talk from time to time. He says he lost his virginity with me but I contend he could still claim virgin if he wanted to. I don’t think he does. The good news is, I think he’s got a promising future with Ringling Brothers, should he choose it. Me? My future’s in the rodeo.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: MFA_Mama
/ Aug 27 2010
OH MAH GAWD, NO! *dies*
MFA Mama´s last [type] ..a squeaky-clean review and giveaway
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Aug 27 2010
bwahahaha! who can cum on toy story sheets, anyway. to infinity and beyond!
pattypunker´s last [type] ..happiness in a box
Twitter: mamabirddiaries
/ Aug 27 2010
I think you really knew the minute you saw The Toy Story sheets that things were not going to go smoothly.
the mama bird diaries´s last [type] ..the road not taken to paris
Twitter: mecarol
/ Aug 27 2010
I give you massive points for getting that far. Toy Story sheets would have sent me screaming through the night.
mecarol´s last [type] ..Can Trust Be Rebuilt
Twitter: smellykellie
/ Aug 27 2010
Sad and funny at the same time. I love that you told him to stop talking.
Awesome!!!
Kellie´s last [type] ..Dancing Boys
Twitter: BettyFokker
/ Aug 27 2010
OMFG … I am ashamed at how hard I laughed at so much pathos! You should have brought a whiteboard & dry erase markers, so you could give him some guidance first. Tell me he DOES NOT read you blog!!!
Betty Fokker´s last [type] ..Swallowing the Worm
I love you for telling this story! I got married to a guy that had the true potential to live in his parent’s basement as a programming, mountain dew drinking, and porn addicted 35 year old virgin. Remarkably though, I caught him young at 18 and now after 6 years he’s great in bed- but those first few times we called “good tries.” So glad we did it before we got married! And so glad it didn’t have do do a 35 year old virgin…. so sorry about that. You should tell this story to children so they know to stay a virgin for only so long… not forever. We are always telling them to wait… some take it too seriously. (BTW I love your blog!)
“Cirque du MakeMeGay”
For Fuck’s SAKE!
I love when guys think porn is THE way we like it. Um. Notsomuch.
MommaKiss´s last [type] ..Friday F You 8-27
Twitter: dangermousette
/ Aug 27 2010
LOL… that was bloody well funny! But cringeworthy at the same time… i.e. the perfect description of a virgins journey into …. well sex.
Please don’t tell me that he really came up with those porn star descriptions of sex…..Oooh… that is such a turn off!
Annie (Lady M) x´s last [type] ..The great Blog Button exchange
I lost it at old man’s pockets, but think I would have run screaming at his bedroom being in his parents’ house! LOL
neeroc´s last [type] ..If it wasn’t so funny…
Uhh… ditto MFA Mama. And LMFAO at “I contend he could still claim virgin if he wanted to” and Sophie’s “good tries.” Bwahahahahahaha!
Megan @Momlarky´s last [type] ..You Cant Handle the Truth!
This story is worth more than gold. I don’t think it gets much better than this!
The Sweetest´s last [type] ..I Really Want To Break Up With You
Twitter: thesuniverse
/ Aug 28 2010
Wow. Just. Wow. I don’t even have the words.
Suniverse´s last [type] ..Whats underneath that
Twitter: L8enough
/ Aug 28 2010
sad clown for missing this. not for missing THIS like mr. toy story’s snake-in-the-flower move but for missing you telling this story. on stage. with the funny. but the funny is here too.
okay i’m tired.
ps. im using sad clown because you used sad clown. but not in a copying way. like in a high fiving way. holy crap someone take away my keyboard.
Alex@LateEnough´s last [type] ..My Boobs Have Feelings Too
How unfortunate for you. I mean, really. Toy Story. Did his Mama have his jammie-jams all laid out for him, too?
Cassie´s last [type] ..I need to complain to someone
Add a pair of unfortunate plastic shower shoes and a request to do the “tube-steak boogie” and you have described my 1st boyfriend. Gah!
Twitter: fabuleslie1
/ Aug 29 2010
This canNOT be a true story. Toy story sheets? Lives at home with parents? CRAZY stuff. Wait. You STILL TALK TO HIM sometimes?? Girl, you crazy!
FabuLeslie´s last [type] ..Ummm-