TCG’s Greatest Hits: World’s First Life-Size ‘Sexbot’ Unveiled

For those of you who don’t know, I began my illustrious (illustrious means “eating an entire jar of creamy Jif with a spoon while wearing dirty pajamas”, right?) writing career by chronicling my adventures in retail at the blog, The Checkout Girl. The site is offline for now, but the thought of my stories sitting around, collecting dust, makes me sad, so I’ll be sharing my favorites here, on Mondays.

From time to time I’ll kick around the idea of leaving behind the glamorous world of the modern supermarket to live the carefree life of someone who works for tips. Why on earth would I do something like that, you ask? Well, I already spend my days being nice to assholes, and my wage isn’t even BASED on that. Why let all that faux-amiability just go to waste? Damnit, man, there are people starving for that stuff in, what, New Jersey?

Not long ago I played a round of “I gotta get the heck outta here” and decided to let my fingers do the walking all over the world wide web to see what was being offered in the restaurant biz. It’s like the internet intuitively knew that I love all things cheesy and USA (all the way!), and returned solid gold (lamé).

Behold, Hooters Girl, a site actually owned by Hooters of America, Inc. Ladies, if you are willing to take a little constructive criticism and leave your self-esteem at the door, this thing is chock full of tips on how to be the best (and most pleasing) Hooters Girl you can be. And, at the end of the day, who doesn’t want to be a better Hooters Girl? Communists, that’s who.

Filed under “Jesus, I gotta tell somebody about this”, I’ve chosen some of the best suggestions to share with you. You can thank me by sending money. Or fried chicken.

The shape and thickness of your eyebrows can completely change your appearance. Be sure to tweeze or wax your brows regularly to maintain a clean look. Tweeze brows if you have any hair growth between the two.

Okay, so no unibrows for these girls but I have to wonder, does this rule include Hooters’ Athens location? That’s right, they are sporting orange shorts with nude pantyhose dangerously close to, you know, the birthplace of Western Civilization. Surprised? Have you tasted their wings? Zeus himself couldn’t conjure a better hot sauce! And it’s not like you can EAT the Parthenon! Anyway, if My Big Fat Greek Wedding has taught me anything, it’s that Greek girls have plenty of brow going on between the brows. And something about Windex.

Also, a “clean look”? It’s like the person in charge of writing these tips has never actually step foot in one of their own restaurants.

We do require that you wear mascara and lipstick or gloss. Remember, you never know when there will be a camera in your face!

In my Mad Men-era opinion, mascara and lipstick are a requirement for any job (ouch! my feminism!), but I’m not big on being told that I have to wear them. Still, these are the people that insist on nylons with dolphin shorts so, really, isn’t makeup just like a uniform for your face? As far as “a camera in your face!”, if you hit the “images” link when you google “hooters” (who the crap would google “hooters”? oh, right), there are tons of photos of people posing with Hooters Girls. It’s like everyone wants a pic of themselves with boobs. Haven’t they seen boobs their whole lives? I have. In fact, if you want to get dirty about it, most of us came out of a vagina and we aren’t constantly posting pictures on Myspace of us with those.

Oh, and the use of what really seem like unnecessary exclamation points feels like they are trying to get you psyched up to look and act like a sexbot. Hey, guess what? Most girls who end up at that site are already there, friends. I know I am.

Always make sure to resist makeup trends that make you appear gaudy. Hooters Girls have an appropriate image to maintain.

Gaudy is out? Appropriate is in? These are girls that wear platform high-heeled flip flops in their off time. Even the fairest redheads among them are frequent fryers over at the fake ‘n bake. It’s not their fault, really, they just haven’t felt good about themselves since Spring Break ’08 when Joe Francis spied them doing upside-down margaritas and making out with their girlfriends between cigs in Cabo and offered them the opportunity (and penis) of a lifetime. Don’t forget to throw the peace sign while you are showing nip. Girls Gone Loco, y’all!

Don’t forget to wear blush! Doing so will leave you looking lifeless!

You guys, they want their sexbots to look lifeMORE, okay? Otherwise, these men can just go back to masturbating to the post-mortem pics of Anna Nicole that are all over le web. Jesus, that shit is free and we are trying to sell pitchers of beer here, so please fake a sex flush before going on the floor. Again, “cameras in your face!”

Roots should never show through! You never know when you will be photographed or asked to go on a photo shoot or promotion. Be sure to always look camera ready!

Holy cow, ladies, you never saw Marilyn Monroe with black roots, did you? No, and you know why? Because she was actually an early Muppet prototype. The truth is, I dye my hair and literally wake up the next morning with tiny growth. I’m starting to think it’s not actually hair but Play-Doh that someone is pushing through the holes in my head, but the voices that live up there tell me that’s not realistic. Probably because they are the ones doing it. Anyway, there isn’t enough dye (or, ahem, bleach) in the world to make sure “roots should never show through!” so eat poop, Hooters.

Skunk-like streaks are not permitted. A natural and styled look is the look you are going for.

Yes, absolutely, walk into any Hooters restaurant and “natural” is the first word that pops into your head. The next is “styled”. And what DON’T want from a Hooters Girl? Anything skunk-like. You can make a dirty vagina joke here, but I’m not going to. Because I’m a lady, yo.

I think we can all take a little something away from the suggestions offered at Hooters Girl. Men, I want you to read this and respect your ladyfriends a little more because being tip-worthy is a lot of work. And not cheap, in spite of how it looks. Ladies, really, unless you are Dolly Parton, we all get complacent in the glam department from time to time and could use a reminder that we won’t be earning any singles that way. The men can make it rain, but they need a little motivation, capice? And me, well, no one wants to see me in tiny shorts and a tank, so I guess I’ll stick with what I’ve got. Besides, where else am I going to find a low-paying job with long hours where I’m disrespected by both customers and supervisors alike? Count your blessings, TCG. Count ‘em hard.

Also, it’s Monday, which means a fresh, steaming pile of Off The Clock over at RVA News. This week, when good celebrities do bad endorsements.