TCG’s Greatest Hits: Soylent Green Is People!
For those of you who don’t know, I began my illustrious (illustrious means “eating an enormous red velvet cupcake while wearing dirty pajamas”, right?) writing career by chronicling my adventures in retail at the blog, The Checkout Girl. The site is offline for now, but the thought of my stories sitting around, collecting dust, makes me sad, so I’ll be sharing my favorites here, on Mondays.
I have a coworker that, on top of being a close talker, a too-infrequent blinker, a toucher, and inappropriately familiar, might also be a feeder.
Imagine, if you will, Steve Buscemi with a porn ‘stache and coke bottle glasses that really magnify his creepeyes. Now imagine him volunteering to work every Saturday morning and bringing in breakfast for all of the employees. Now imagine him going to each and every person in the store, standing too close to their faces and saying, somewhat menacingly, “It’s Saturday. I brought food. Go get some.” Further imagine him then pulling up a chair next to the food, which he lays out in a spread in the employee break room, and staring at each person as they wander back to try some. “Eat up,” he’ll say, or, “Good, isn’t it?”, quietly, in a way that very closely resembles Hannibal Lecter.
It’s so scary that I had an honest-to-goodness nightmare about this very scene just a few nights ago. Still, Saturday mornings usually involve me rolling out of bed at the last minute, throwing my unwashed hair into a ponytail, brushing my teeth, and applying deod, and running out the door. Brekkies? Okay, creeper, I’ll eat your brekkies and even let you watch. Whatevs.
His usual jam is breakfast pizza from Ukrop’s. While I don’t like bacon, it’s okay w/Tabasco (that concoction is called the “Sat morn wakeup call”!), plus I am a fat girl. The way he watches my mouth, raptly, with obvious anticipation as I take each bite, is a total freakout. The current rumor, which I may or may not have started, is that the coworkers who don’t partake are followed to the parking lot, shoved into his trunk, and enjoyed on the next week’s pizza. People sausage? Spicy!
This last week, though, Mr. Mangia changed it up by bringing doughnuts. Having already downed a red bull and an apple (breakfast of champions), I wasn’t feeling a march in the creep parade. “No, thanks,” I said, when he cornered me in my department. “Aw, come on, Pink Sneakers (charming nickname which I worked hard to earn by wearing, well, you know), you know you want some of my doughnuts,” he said. “Okay, okay,” I said, just trying to placate him so I could do my job, “I’ll be back in a bit.” He must have then taken his post next to the Dunkin Donuts box but came back about 30 minutes later. “Come on, Pink Sneakers, you can take a break for one doughnut. Come on. I won’t take no for an answer,” he pressured me. I heard him paged to the front of the store and ran to the back so I could say that I had one and it was delicious. When I got back there, my manager was just closing the box and stuffing a doughnut in her mouth. “I didn’t have breakfast,” she said apologetically, her mouth full. “Shhh, you’re safe now,” I whispered and petted her arm with the appropriate amount of drama so she would know I was kidding, “He’s in the front of the store and can’t hurt you. HE. CAN’T. HURT. YOU. NOW.” She covered her mouth and laughed, “I know, right? He’s so weird.” “At least he’s changing it up from ‘people pizza’ today. Those guys are so spicy,” I said, as I walked back toward my department. Over my shoulder, I added, “Oh, and you know he’s humped every one of those doughnuts, right? Enjoy!” The choking noise from behind me was all the answer I needed.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: MommyNaniBooboo
/ Aug 24 2010
Um… were the any… you know… “cream filled” ones?
PS -You fucking rock my socks off.
Twitter: madsbloggingmom
/ Aug 24 2010
That is some blog GOLD! And yeah, I may just get to sit at the cool kid’s table after all.
Solid Gold. I eagerly await more.
Twitter: BettyFokker
/ Aug 24 2010
OMG … you do a magnificent job of making the nutter-butters funny, even though they are probably horrifying serial killers and doughnut humpers. Oh wait. Since the guy was always bringing breakfast, he’d be a cereal killer, right?
The Doughnut Humpers would be a good name for a band.
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Aug 24 2010
fuck, i’m never saying “brekkies” again.
Classic office food freak- I think there is one on every building. I used to have one who was always forcing sweets on me. He ended up offending one of the office managers and was asked to leave. Something was up with that guy.
Twitter: rockonmommies
/ Aug 25 2010
Noooooo! Was his name Stan and did he use to work for a Software development company? CREEPY!
I may have to keep myself from humping the next box of donuts I see. Also? Love you.
Twitter: dangermousette
/ Aug 25 2010
Jeez! That guy is definitely a feeder. Nom Nom Nom… bit of dribble down the side of his face… go on eat…. you need to keep your strength up.
Shite, I am a bit too good at this aren’t I? (said within 3 inches of your face).
*wink* just teasing!
I can only imagine what he’s thinking watching people eat.
Twitter: fabuleslie1
/ Aug 26 2010
Hilarious stuff! I can see it now in a scene from Office Space. I would have snatched a taco or donut or whatever and taken to my cube to enjoy alone in peace. And then I would have never left the building alone at night. You’re so right about what he did to those people in the parking lot!!
Brilliant! Hope your set went well.
Still waiting for feedback from BlogHer, or has that passed into the memory fog?