Soon I’m Going To Need A Master’s Degree Just To Ground Them
If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, it’s probably clear to you that I am not the only one parenting in my household. In fact, I probably spend an equal amount of time being parented by my kids. The good news about that is, teenagers know everything about everything so why not let them make me a smarter, better person?
The other day, we were doing our traditional Sunday stroll through Target and had veered off of our usual course so that I could buy a case of bottled water (is this me saying “fuck you, mother earth!”? no. but yes. shit. I like bottled water, okay?). I saw the water display on the back wall and took a right down the soda/alcohol aisle to get there. My super smart, teetotaler children were right on it.
Him: Why are you coming down here? Do you feel like you need a drink?
Me: What? No. I’m just going back here to get water.
Her: Then why did you slow down?
Him: Mom, do you know who liked to drink alcohol? President Kennedy. In 1962. Just before the Cuban Missile Crisis. And look how that turned out.
Me: Um, badly?
Him: It was a disaster. And do you know who else liked to get drunk? Ronald Reagan. Are you aware of the negative impact of Reaganomics? Because you can thank Ronnie for making a national deficit acceptable.
Me: I wasn’t looking. Or stopping. I really just want bottled water.
Her: You know who else was a drunk? Janice Dickinson. The scariest supermodel, ever. Have you seen her? She’s full of rage and barely human! AND she slept with Jack Nicholson! TALK ABOUT BAD LIFE CHOICES!
Me: Look, I don’t even WANT… Wait, how do you know that?
Her: It’s common knowledge.
Me: You guys. Seriously. Can we get the water?
Him: Yes. Do you get the message?
Me: That you guys are jerks?
Her: Yes.
For the record, I’ve never been a big drinker, and I haven’t had any alcohol in 8 months. Social anxiety keeps me home a lot and I’ve never been one to drink alone. Also, I know that some of their craziness is real, and centers around the fact that they are finding out their family tree is heavy with addiction. Also, quite probably, their fears about my brother being in rehab.
It’s okay. I love them. And forgive them. And am glad they have such strong views about the hooch. But if they ever try to come between me and a pile of nachos, I swear to god I will shank ‘em.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: laurenacarlton
/ Jun 18 2010
At least your kids are smart in addition to being smart asses.
Twitter: wfenwick66
/ Jun 18 2010
Hell, having seen, let alone smelled or tasted tap water in some locales, bottled water is almost a must!
And yes… I quite agree… shank em’ for the nachos. ;-D
Twitter: MarinkaNYC
/ Jun 18 2010
I thought “hooch” was slang for vagina. God, this explains so much.
Twitter: lovinstilettos
/ Jun 18 2010
HAHAHA! Your kids sounds pretty awesome
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Jun 18 2010
thank god my target doesn’t have alcohol. i’m there and veering off course entirely too much.
too funny about kennedy, reagan and dickinson. though jack nicholson is a curiosity. ; )
you’ve done good with those kids. i love when they are more mature than us. in my case, this happens more than i care to admit.
What in the hell is hooch, if not a vagina? Does this mean I should start with an Associates degree, since I don’t even know what hooch means?
Twitter: L8enough
/ Jun 18 2010
Dude, I so fear these conversations in like ten years. I JUST WANT WATER!
Target is one place to not buy alcohol, anyway. it’s cheaper at the grocery store.
hahhaha to the comment above. Your kids sound like a handful, but at least they seem to be on the right track. I didn’t know that about Kennedy. Oh my I need to brush up on my history.
Glad to hear they are keeping you on the straight and narrow.
Kids today. They’re so damn smart. That’s why if I ever have kids, I’m not going to allow them to be educated. I know that sounds odd, but I figure it’s the best way.
However, I am very proud of your offspring for knowing about Janice Dickinson being the scariest of all the supermodels. Now that’s just savvy.
Twitter: subwow
/ Jun 21 2010
Wow. They really put the “smart” in “smartass”. You should be really proud of them, and this is said with utter sincerity. Good job, mama.
Vodka and Ground Beef -
Education is overrated. Access Hollywood is all we need to know in this house.
linlah -
Yeah, they are good for something. Oh, and are proof that I finally stuck with something. Take that, my mother!!
Annah -
The boy just finished up a 20th Century History class and won’t let me get away with shit. Haha.
Star -
Toilet paper and paper towels, too. Still, I can’t resist the BIG RED DEVIL!
Alex@LateEnough -
I can’t get away with anything. It’s for the best, I really can’t handle myself.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake and Marinka -
Haha. I think you might be thinking of “cooch”.
Courtesy of Dictionary.com:
hooch
/hutʃ/
–noun Slang .
1.
alcoholic liquor.
2.
liquor illicitly distilled and distributed.
Also, hootch.
Origin:
1895–1900; shortening of hoochinoo
TMYK, babies.
pattypunker -
They surpassed my maturity level at about 4 years old. It’s okay, I couldn’t raise two of me.
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos -
They are cool. I’ve taught them to skepticism, with a heart full of love.
Will -
I care because I shank, and I shank because I care.
Lauren -
Oh, yeah, they will be better off with those sassy mouths if they can outsmart their opponents!
Ha!
Your kids are awesome.
Fish -
Too big for their britches if you ask me, but I love them madly.