Sex And The Single Mom
Ironic, isn’t it? I mean, the one thing that gets most of us into the motherhood army becomes as rare as a glitter-shitting unicorn after we’ve been drafted. Of course, I’m talking about the ol’ dirty rodeo. The humpty dance. Going all the way. Sexual intercourse.
Think about how hard it is to find the time to get it on. There’s laundry to do and faces to feed and hairs in previously unthinkable locations to tweeze. Then, maybe, just maybe, you get the time to freak. But who has the damn energy? Shit, you’ve just magically conjured 50 Harry Potter-themed cupcakes for the school bake sale and wrestled a strong-willed child who prefers awake to asleep into bed. Rarely, there are instances when you have both the time AND the energy but it’s two in the afternoon and you’ve just changed into an outfit that DOESN’T feature chicken mcnugget stains and, you know, you FINALLY don’t smell like someone else’s bodily fluids and who wants to ruin that twenty minute streak you’ve got going so you’re like “Let’s just snuggle.” Then, “Actually, let’s snuggle without you touching my hair, which I’ve just washed and isn’t in a ponytail for the first time in a week.” Then, “You know what? I’m not sure you can do that because you really love my hair and sometimes you’re kind of clumsy so maybe we can sit in the same room and text each other? But, like, sexy texts, okay? Love you!”
Well, sexytime is hard enough to wrangle/finagle/schedule when you are sleeping next to the object of your orgasms every night. Just imagine the ugly, naked tap dance you’d have to do to if you regularly slept with only a chihuahua and half a queen size bed-full of broken dreams.
That’s my life.
I’ve been divorced for years now but, from time to time since, I’ve had sex. Dirty, sweaty, deity-invoking sex. But how do you manage that with two children who never leave you alone because you are all they have? I mean, sure, you can say to your paramour, “Come over after 9:30 pm because that’s when the kids go to sleep and please tiptoe so as not to wake little Hansel and Gretel because they’re light sleepers”. Except it’s totally not sexy. Unless that’s the thing that gets you off. And you know it is for someone because I just thought of it. If you can think of it, someone, somewhere, is funderwhacking to it.
Also, when babies are sleeping nearby, the situation forces you to express your delight with the dirty, sweaty, diety-invoking sex using a silent approval system. Something like the jazz hand-y sign for applause that the hearing impaired use. Or a hearty thumbs up. The problem with that is I’m a lights off kind of girl so the system can be dangerous. There’s the risk of inadvertently taking out an eye. Or an anus.
The alternative to jazz-hands-that-kill is hiring a babysitter and going to the potential mattress dancing partner’s home. That’s okay, but can be expensive. I mean, do you really want to pay seven bucks an hour to have your bell rung? And, what if it’s an off night and your bell remains silent? If you shave your legs, make the kids fish sticks and macaroni and cheese, kiss them on their heads while telling the sitter you will be home by ten and calculating exactly how much cash you need to bring home, schlep yourself all the way to your sexy friend’s house, get undressed knowing there is no way you will return home NOT looking disheveled and smelling musky, and DON’T experience the Big O, well, you are left with a serious case of buyer’s remorse. Trust me.
Look, when you are in charge of tiny people, there’s little time for anything else. Consequently, I go through a lot of batteries. And chocolate. Because I might not always have the energy to take my pants off, but opening a bar of dark and sexy cocoalove is quick and easy. And no one blinks an eye when you issue forth a satisfied sigh or tiny moan while experiencing a Willie Wonka high.
The kids are too old for babysitters now and the day will come when they’re out of the house and I can regularly practice the loud and crazy superfuck. Probably before I’m ready. But, for now, it’s me, the energizer bunny, and all three musketeers having a supersexy party. And that’s fine with me. I’m out of hands, somebody give me a thumbs up.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ May 27 2010
Thumbs up
High five
And a big ol’ slap on the back sister!
Now, is there somewhere I can wash my hands?
JT
.-= Jenny Talia´s last blog ..video of the week =-.
Twitter: theloushe
/ May 27 2010
*jazzhands*
oops, sorry ’bout your anus
.-= Jess´s last blog ..word of the day 146/365: malaise =-.
Twitter: stayathomebabe
/ May 27 2010
So true. Before I got married and had my second, I used to use the after-bedtime-tiptoe while my son was sleeping. Soooo not sexy. Laughed so hard while reading it.
Twitter: homesliceva
/ May 27 2010
you just described my current life, only i haven’t even been “doing” the chocolate. cuz i’m gaining weight just by looking at food these days. thank god i’ve got a good (well, great) buzzing friend hidden away safely.
Twitter: pattypunker
/ May 27 2010
there is nothing worse than buyer’s remorse.
*chest bumps and ass slaps*
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..10 important factoids about me =-.
Twitter: x_rook_x
/ May 27 2010
I’m twenty three years old.
No kids.
Live-in boyfriend.
And I still go through more batteries than I should.
Its fairly frequent that after a day of getting up at 7:00am, taking care of dogs (that are somewhat like kids except that they can’t tell you when they don’t feel good and instead barf up dog food in your crotch and then just whimper because they don’t understand why you yelped in terror. So like… little kids who eat their own hair.), writing menial articles for work, doing chores at my parents house because they’re nice enough to watch my dogs who are too large to fit in my shoebox apartment, going home to clean the shoebox apartment, cooking dinner in shoebox apartment, spending social time with the boyfriend, the brother, the brothers girlfriend, the best friend who somehow manages to work double-back twelve hour shifts as a nurse at a hospital and drive three hours to see me and still have more energy than me and insists I eat greasy food and then go running to stave off the guilt of eating the greasy food (when I didn’t even want it because I’d already had dinner earlier), and then working on a blog I faithfully update three times a week… And then when 1:00am rolls around and I’m finally ready to crawl into bed, Mr. I Didn’t Get Up Until 11:00am ‘Cause We Both Work From Home And I Can Do That isn’t ready and I often end up going to bed alone.
Well.
Not “alone.”
I have a battery operated stand-in for when I just want to get it over with an pass out.
Oh, what a life C:
Loved the blog C:
.-= Rook´s last blog ..I’m Crazy But It’s Cool Week – Four Crazy Ladies and Why I Love Them =-.
Twitter: _biscuit_
/ May 27 2010
Something just flew out of my nose.
This is so hilariously, and sadly true. You word it very well.
Thanks for the midday laugh. “funderwhacking”, *snort*, that’s some good shit.
Whenever this subject comes up, I’m always reminded of an evening with a single mom I was seeing for a while. We were at her house, presumably alone. I say “presumably” because 1) we always had been alone when there previously B) she had not given any information to the contrary III) we were making quite a bit of not exactly kid-friendly noise out on the living room couch. The combination of her thighs having pushed my ears back into my head about 2 inches (seriously, whatever lower body workout she was doing? Screw you, Buns of Steel) and her Pentecostal preacher-style tongues-speaking meant I couldn’t hear much of anything…except for the loud “THUNK” that seemed to come from another room. In one fluid motion, she jumped up quickly (nearly taking various parts of my head with her) and bounded, very much naked, out of the room. Roughly a minute later, while I was still shaking off the cobwebs and relearning how to breathe through my nose, she comes back in, flops on the couch and says “It’s OK, she just fell out of her bed” before yanking me by the hair and…well, anyway.
Twitter: toywithme
/ May 27 2010
Two thumbs up for recreating the Ménage à trois to suit your present situation. I love a girl who works with what’s available
.-= toywithme´s last blog ..What Happens In Vegas Gets Blogged =-.
Twitter: Fargs77
/ May 27 2010
First time I’ve read your blog and I love it. I will definitely be back. And I, too, although not a single mom, have turned to chocolate on one occasion or another. There’s no shane in wearing sweats or having hairy legs when eating chocolate…
.-= Angela Prior´s last blog ..Yes He is My Favourite =-.
Twitter: Fargs77
/ May 27 2010
That was supposed to say ‘no shame’. Always a good first impression to make a spelling mistake.
.-= Angela Prior´s last blog ..Yes He is My Favourite =-.
My ex GF had a 5 yr old boy. We met at a bar late one drunken night and she made it quite clear that she just wanted me to come over late at night, have dirty and nasty porno sex, and I go home. We did it all. And she wasnt kidding. She wanted it to be dirty, messy and sloppy and she always wanted the moneyshot, just like in the movies. I was nervous the first few weeks but after awhile i really loved this set-up. I was her stress-release and she didnt want any lovey dovey stuff. She wanted to be ravaged. About 6 months later, we started really dating and it lasted a year or so before we grew separate ways but I appreciated her honesty in telling me exactly what she wanted and i understood why she wanted it that way.
To all the single moms out there, dont be afraid to let your naughty side be free. Let your freak come out to play!
Twitter: mommakiss
/ May 27 2010
well, I sorta thought about my mom being single when I was growing up – and, you know how kids are, so, ew…but then I’m thinking – I hope she got her damn freak on because she was a single mom with kids home for a long ass time and she deserves it. And then, again, ew.
have to say Hugh Jarse’s story: priceless
.-= MommaKiss´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – hella lotta juice =-.
Batteries? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
.-= linlah´s last blog ..The one where Pam wishes Bobby was really dead and it wasn’t a dream =-.
Twitter: subwow
/ May 28 2010
I used to think that everybody else is having sex but me. Now I suspect that survey says NOT. I need to go get myself one of those.
.-= subWOW´s last blog ..Rule No.1: Always log off your account when you step away =-.
Twitter: litanyofbritt
/ May 28 2010
Fuck fucking. That’s what got us into this mess.
I love this post! So honest, so well written and so fucking true!
Thank you. Just thank you. For doing what you do and for pouring it out for the rest of us. I’ve read a bunch of your postings and I either laughed like a maniac, prompting my own kids to say “What’s so funny on the birdie site momma?” or I feel that little bite in the eyes that means that tears are not far behind and I valiantly try to swallow them down.
There is so much humanity in your work, it’s impossible (as a mom/woman) not to connect with you. I hope that through this vehicle you feel the hands of all the other mom’s, who feel what you feel but maybe are not quite as eloquent as you, holding you up like teens at a rave crying out YOU CAN DO IT. I love your blog. I love your writing and I love the way you think. Never give up, you bless us with your gift.
Single. 2 little girls. One of whom has severe special needs and SHRIEKS when she sees a stranger in the house. Major buzz-kill.
Allyson -
ouch, sister. I want to send YOU batteries!
Dawn -
thank you so much for commenting. I was running on emotional “E” today and you filled me right back up. we officially need friendship bracelets now. xo
Coma Girl -
sadly, you can’t make this shit up! pass the 3 Musketeers.
britt -
I will accept your anti-fucking stance, but I am staunchly pro-orgasm.
subWOW -
oh, sister, everyone thinks everyone else is having sex. it’s how the man keeps us down.
linlah -
perhaps you are an outlet girl, then. I am pro-plug, as well.
MommaKiss -
hey, pigtails. I’m sorry that I made you think of your mom getting dirty. I’m sure she was perfectly refined while doing it.
Angela Prior -
chocolate doesn’t judge. boobsweat? blemishes? overgrown bush? chocolate loves you, anyway. tonight my partner is pretzel m&m’s and, damn, he is fine. hope to see you again, soon.
toywithme -
this way is so much sexier than when I try to recreate the love using an $.89 bean burrito and my tv set on Game Show Network.
Huge Jarse -
moms are multi-taskers and don’t you forget it!
Biscuit -
any movie based on my life would definitely be a dramedy. still, I wouldn’t trade it. here’s a kleenex.
Rook -
oh, I used to frost my own cupcake when I was married, too, but I was just more bitter about it. hi, new friend.
pattypunker -
I’ll bet you never expected sound financial advice on this blog, right? I’m like the crazy Mad Money guy, but with less yelling. and spitting.
homeslice -
ah, welcome to it. at least vibrators don’t snore.
lerner -
thanks. when it comes to holding your breath and tiptoeing, I am a gold medalist. and I always stuck the landing.
Jess -
i wasn’t using that anus, anyway. the other one is so much better. what? everyone has two anuses, right?
Jenny Talia -
protip: you should always wash your hands after reading this blog, anyway. you don’t know where it’s been.
That is some funny shit!
.-= Mindi´s last blog ..Hair There and Everywhere! =-.
Twitter: Bellalarrew
/ Jun 1 2010
I give you TWO thumbs up and tip my hat off to you! Plus if i ever met you in the real world, I going to bring you a bag of yummy chocolate and some batteries.
Jessica -
I will gladly accept. And hump your leg a tiny bit.
Mindi -
Thank you. Sadly, it’s all true. Not so sadly, I’m at peace with it. But fat as a house. Sigh.