Riding In Cars With Boys. And A Girl. And It’s Just One Boy.
I had two days off. In a row. I know.
What normal people call a weekend, retail workers call a vacation. And we sometimes have to stand on our heads, or knees, to get one. I may or may not have resorted to hinting to my boss that I was feeling a little overwhelmed at work and, when overwhelmed, I have a tendency to pee in coffee pots. She likes coffee, so she graciously agreed.
I wasn’t sure what to do with my two whole days, but I knew I wanted to take my adorable little family on the road. We decided on Baltimore, Maryland because a) it is only a 2 1/2 hour drive from our home in Richmond, Virginia; b) I had heard good things about the National Aquarium; and c) Baltimore in Summer is pretty much synonymous with beauty. Like Spring in Paris. But with more humidity, yelling, and spraying fire hydrants. Naturally, the whole thing turned into a traveling 3 ring shitshow, proving that I ought never leave the house except to replenish dwindling frozen pizza and Mountain Dew supplies.
Now, there’s something that you should know about me: I have no navigation skills, whatsoever. In a game of Pin The Tail On The Donkey, once I’m blindfolded and spun around, I couldn’t tell you what country I am in, let alone what direction I’m facing. I get turned around every time I venture outside of my neighborhood. If the Ingalls family had been cursed with me as a guide, they’d have never found the Little House. Hell, they’d have never found the Prairie! Sure, like most of my quirks, it can be charming for a short period of time, in a “silly girl can’t find her way out of a closet” kind of way. However, the charm quickly fades when you have to stand on a corner for an hour, waiting for me to show up while I desperately call you and play, “I’m coming. I swear. I just have no idea where I am.” Bonus points if I burst into tears. Double bonus if I miss the actual event we are meeting for. Anyway, the kids know this and have learned to dread every car ride. Bigger car ride = bigger dread and bigger likelihood I will accidentally take us somewhere we don’t want to go. It didn’t take me long to justify their misgivings.
Things really hit the skids (PUNS!) in Washington, DC. I’m not sure why the trusty mapping website I chose took us right through the middle of the city, but it did. The problem was, it got us in but couldn’t get us out. Seriously, we circled the Washington Monument many, many times. At first I was excited about the majesty and beauty of the mighty obelisk, then frustrated, confused, and angry. A girl hasn’t felt this nauseous near a giant white phallus since Monica Lewinsky got a little on her dress.
The natives grew restless.
Her: There’s no way we’re ever going to make it. They will find us ten years from now and we’ll be just bones.
Him: Yeah, but bones that are still driving around DC, trying to find their exit.
Cute. Driving Skeletons. At least they were amusing themselves.
Her: Gah! This trip is like Survivor. VOTE ME OFF THE ISLAND, PLEASE!
Timely. I wasn’t aware that she even had the money to hire 1990′s sitcom writers to express her displeasure.
Him: Hey, Mom, maybe the exit is like Platform 9 3/4. You just have to believe it’s there, and go at it at full speed.
Her: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Let’s just try it. The worst that could happen is we would die.
Him: Really? The worst?
Her: Right.
Big high fives followed that last one. None of them from me.
Him: I wish I had a volleyball for a best friend right now. WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILSOOOOOOOOOON! WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILSOOOOOOOOOON! I’m sorry, Wilson, I’m sorry!
Wilson Volleyball could not be reached for comment.
I got us there. It took five hours, during which the girl spent a good amount of the time trying to find something sharp enough to end her misery and the boy begged me to never again have one of my “good ideas”.
Wilson? Well, Wilson just stood there.
Twitter: litanyofbritt
/ Jul 25 2010
Dude. Stop buying one frozen pizza every week, and then after like, 47 weeks you can buy a navigator system. Then instead of hearing your kids bitch and moan, you can hear the navigator complain “recalculating” every 5 minutes.
britt´s last blog ..Hell Just Froze Over
Twitter: milkglassheart
/ Jul 25 2010
You’re kids are hilarious!
I swear to god, the bf loves telling me what turns to take and always gets us lost. His parents are in NOVA and his bff is in Maryland. Driving up there is the worst. I honestly don’t think you did much of anything wrong because it’s the worst place to drive through in the whole wide world. My sense of direction is superb but that area defeats me.
Oh, and Google maps have given me the wrong directions two times in a row now. The ones for a candy shop in Williamsburg were seriously the exact opposite of reality.
I’m assuming you had a great time at the aquarium after all. It’s super nice there!
PS – Frozen pizza and Mountain Dew is what keeps me alive.
Lara´s last blog ..a hat
Twitter: milkglassheart
/ Jul 25 2010
your… not you’re… this heat is frying my brain today
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ Jul 25 2010
Oh the joys of traveling with kids!
They stink, whine & guilt trip us, no matter how old they are
I just hope mine grow up to be the funny fuckers that yours so obviously are
Glad you made it back in one piece my friend x
Jenny Talia´s last blog ..the crew
Twitter: kdb1204
/ Jul 25 2010
Yeah, the trusty mapping sites always want to zigzag you on 295 through the *worst* parts of downtown DC. Next time, if you’re brave (or crazy) enough for a next time, stick to 95 all the way there.
I am EXACTLY the same way when it comes to directions. I bought a GPS and somehow, I STILL get lost every time I get 10 miles away from my house. Which is when I start crying, screaming, and being really, really angry at Baby Jesus.
Sara´s last blog ..Dont Judge Me Based On a Post About Loogies Please
I have a tomtom that I never use and you can have it. It was a give away at a conference and I’m so not navigation challenged, email me it’s yours.
linlah´s last blog ..i swear it’s a boat photo
Twitter: uvaleg
/ Jul 26 2010
I have a spectacular sense of direction, and before I knew my way around DC and B’more, I got those same directions once and could not find my way even with the effing directions printed out, so don’t feel bad. I’m convinced that “route” is someone’s cruel revenge for someone giving him directions that got him raped or mugged once upon a time.
lydia´s last blog ..This is what its like in my head
Twitter: onSanity
/ Jul 26 2010
hilarious. especially the bit about pin the tail on the donkey.
suffer the same disease myself. my strategy: deny it and blame someone else. it’s he said she said.
I have NO sense of direction, either, to the point that I actually get lost in other people’s houses. Yes, really… I go to the bathroom and can’t find my way back. And doctors’ offices? I spend most of my time in the exam room mentally trying to retrace my steps, until I’m so hopelessly confused that when the appointment is over, I stand at the open exam room door looking unhinged until somebody takes pity on me and leads me back out to the waiting room. Driving very far out of my own familiar stomping grounds? Forget it… I can feel myself turning into a lost-driving-skeleton just thinking about it.
I admire (am in awe of) you for having the courage to take trips anyway… any tips?;) And I can only hope, if I ever force myself out of my comfort zone to actually Go Somewhere That Isn’t Here, that my kids are even half as funny (and forgiving?) as yours are!
It sounds like you have very intelligent and charming kids. And really, didn’t the trip go just exactly how it should have? I bet if you wrote a story about the trip THE DAY BEFORE, it would have been nearly identical! (I’ve been reading your blog for a while)
Man, I wish my kids had their sense of humor and timing. I would make them entertain me because I’m bored a lot. When I make a hilarious comment and I’m ROTFLMAO, my kids just stare at me like I have a booger hanging out of my nose. They do have one redeeming quality. I was out shopping with my 17 year old daughter. I saw this amazing, funky, huge necklace. me: “Oh my gawd, that is so awesome!” daughter: That’s…really weird. It’s so ‘you’ Mom.”
I smiled hugely, “I know, right!?”
Sunny´s last blog ..“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” So is ugly
Twitter: rubysu87
/ Jul 27 2010
I just laughed hard enough to cure my headache!
It was the bones driving around looking for the exit image.
Thanks for that!
CDG´s last blog ..Aunt Maggie’s Wedding- Red Writing Hood
Twitter: Beccas4
/ Jul 27 2010
When I get lost (not often), I freak out and end up crying and screaming somewhere…when my MIL is lost (frequently), she’s all ‘ooh look an adventure!’ she makes me want to stab her in the eye with a sharpie!!
Becca´s last blog ..Dont you want to lose weight
Becca -
at first, I was all like “adventure!” then I was all like “hotel room!” I always carry a sharpie.
CDG -
I know, right? clearly, if we were still driving, we’d be zombies. duh.
Sunny -
I hate to be *this* girl but have you checked? maybe you DO have a booger hanging out of your nose! go give it the once over, then come back and report.
Lari -
the teens think it’s hilarious that EVERY TIME we go to the movies, I get lost coming out of the theater. why can’t I find the lobby? like, ever? now they just walk away. they don’t want to be seen with the lady wearing the “where am I?” face.
angelica -
whenever possible, I let someone else drive. then I can mock them for getting lost, never admitting that I wouldn’t have made it even THAT far.
lydia -
oh, thank god. I feel less bad about my flaw since writing this and having the directionally-challenged come out of the woodwork!
Sara -
no, it totally makes sense, baby jesus is solely responsible for those things.
Kathleen -
I discovered that you could stay on 95 all the way, but not until the trip home. it was easy breezy. no more asking for help, I am a traveler!
Jenny Talia -
they ARE funny fuckers. at least there are no diapers to pull over and change!
Lara -
it WAS google maps and it’s the THIRD time they have gotten me lost, once pointing me toward a street that doesn’t exist! one quick check of mapquest (many hours later) cleared it right up!
britt -
okay, but who’s going to coooooooooooook? I’m a whiner. how about I stop buying the kids shoes, instead?