On Dying Alone. And Pantsless.
The movies make it look so glamorous, the single life. They tell you that independent ladies, free from the confines of a relationship, have sassy best friends, gay men always telling them how fabulous they are, high-paying jobs at national magazines, social calendars full of invitations to the best parties, impossibly thin bodies, and magnificent shoe and bag collections. In short, only that man you are with is keeping you from the life you’ve always wanted. Ladies! That ball and chain is coming between you and an existence that goes from crap to brilliance, inside of 90 minutes!
The reality of single life is not always as glamorous. I spend a lot of my time pantsless. Free from the confines of a relationship, I have stopped shaving my legs. And grown 70′s bush. Without a ball and chain, I have developed a habit of devouring entire bags of chips at midnight. And this independent lady eats straight from the pan so she won’t have to wash a dish and is lax about showering.
“But you are awesome and sexy! You should totally have an awesome and sexy relationship!” you might say and you’d be right. I AM awesome. And sexy. But I suck at relationships. I hate compromise. I’m selfish with my time. I LIKE to be pantsless and think 70′s bush is kind of fantastic.
But I also like to see a romantic movie from time to time and have someone there to laugh when I make a gagging motion. Or text when I can’t sleep. Or ask to lift something heavy. Even if it’s my heart during the hard times. And, while I am my own best friend, worst enemy, and fuck buddy, there really is something to having someone agree with me about how sensational I am.
But it’s not enough. People want things that baffle me. Like girlfriends. And wives. And forever. I am now. I am “I love you”, not “I will always love you”. I am “I like being with you”, not “I’ll never leave you”. I am “Let’s go to the park today”, not “Let’s go to the Caribbean in March”. I am not a picket fence. I’m not even a key to your apartment. I am just me. I have seen always, forever, and never go south and I believe in only making promises I can keep. I don’t know if anyone will ever be able to accept my tiny bit of today without asking for a whole lot of tomorrow. That’s okay, though. I’m still sensational.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
wow. i love this post. i could never put words around myself and you just did it. wow. i can’t stop reading it. too bad one of us doesn’t have a penis (one of my prerequisites) because we’d be perfect for one another. sensational!!!
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Jun 15 2010
pantsless and 70s bush is so rad!
i love your “i am now” philosophy. you are sensational.
Twitter: ooph
/ Jun 15 2010
I would so date you for now.
Sadly, like Claire, I lack the required tool.
Twitter: MFAMama
/ Jun 15 2010
Yeah I’d be all over ya too
Maybe you just need to start batting for the pink team?
I had the exact same worldview until I met “Hotter.” He may piss my ovary off when I’m hormonal, but we have a fifty-year plan! I hope you find your Mr. Right (or maybe your Mr. Right Now?) one of these days, because yes, you are sensational, 70′s bush and all.
I love the words you strung together for that last little bit of manifesto– perfect. Why do people keep telling us we’re broken for thinking we’re pretty fucking awesome and happy on our own? I’ve finally found someone who is content living in my tiny bit of today, and doesn’t require “forever” or any unrealistic promises. We have complementary manifestos, and I’m ok with that. For now. (you might dig the book “Love, Freedom, and Aloneness” by OSHO too)
Rock on with your sort of fantastic 70s bush and your totally badass self.
Twitter: L8enough
/ Jun 15 2010
If it’s any help, you have sassy friends with 70s bush. (hi.)
Twitter: thenextmartha
/ Jun 15 2010
Pants? Who needs em. Bush? Rock it baby, you are awesome no matter what your hair is doing.
Twitter: x_rook_x
/ Jun 15 2010
I too am selfish with my time.
And I only shave my legs in the summer when I go swimming. While I am not rocking a 70s bush, I do tend to be rather lazy with my personal grooming, and more often than not I’m sure my labia look like they have the mange.
And I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who is somewhat understanding that I am terrible at relationships but still is completely baffled when I will sit in my underwear for hours at a time and am not doing it to entice him into sexy-times.
And I’m glad that you are a here-and-now person. We need more of those. I will one day share a drink with you, lady. You are sensational. <3
Sensational piece of writing. I feel all tingly and touched. Not in a ‘bad touch’ kind of way, ya’ know, because that would just be wrong. I don’t really prescribe to the whole everything good lasts forever line of crap, I live for the moment, sieze the day, relish opportunities. Sounds like you have a great thing going on…..although, it is swimsuit season….please do tell, how did the women of the 70′s hide the bush during the summer? I’ve always wondered……
Twitter: wfenwick66
/ Jun 15 2010
Good read. Long term is so overrated sometimes.
Your single life sounds a lot like my married life. :/
Twitter: LauraQofU
/ Jun 16 2010
Hot damn. Based on this post, I half expect to find myself in some unglamorous version of Fight Club, and realize I’ve created an alter ego and that I’m so far gone into my own head that I think it’s an actual person.
I have never, ever heard another woman say these things. I thought I was the only one…I’m not sure if I should virtually high five you or send you the number of my shrink to make sure we aren’t actually the same person….
AMEN sister! Why can’t the man I’m seeing right now “get this” philosophy??? I’m w/you on the I’ve already had always,forever and never go south – been there done that, bought the t-shirt.
Twitter: Kernut
/ Jun 16 2010
I love your attitude. I vacillate between happy with my apparently-eternal single-dom, and bummed I’m always watching movies alone. Or choking on the proverbial grape with no one to notice – or help save me – but the cat.
But hell, I’d like to find a man decent enough for even “Mister Right Now”. Even that seems impossible. They can get so clingy or weird so fast. They all seem to have issues that not only rival mine, but far surpass them.
Damn, can’t a girl just get laid by someone who’s not weird?
Twitter: Bellalarrew
/ Jun 16 2010
I was the same way.. But I found some guy that doesn’t mind pantless, 70′s bush or if I eat a bag of chips with 7 slices of cheese. Someone who even loves the parts of me I thought I would never show anyone else, pretty amazing and I’m pretty lucky. I wish you that kind of happiness, your an amazing woman, I’ve never met you in person but I know that your super awesome amazing and decerive nothing but great happiness and all the money in the world. If I win the lotto you are 4th on my list of checks I’m giving out, because amazing people like you decerve some good karam pay back. You have made me laught and made my day more times then I can count. Thanks!
Twitter: litanyofbritt
/ Jun 17 2010
Guess what? That’s my life too, and i’m married.
britt -
Well, then, hang on to that hombre! He sounds like a good one. Also, I hope you are including rocking the bush in that, because I’ll love you forever.
jessica -
You are a sweetie. It’s not that all of those grossly awesome things don’t make me a fucking catch (because, baby, they do), it’s just that I’m shit at commitment and everyone wants that, eventually. Your relationship sounds divine. I might come be your lady.
Kernut -
Yeah, I’m either waving my Carrie Bradshaw “Can’t let no man hold me down” flag or sharing a can of tuna with my cat. Where’s the happy medium?
Jodi -
No more t-shirts, sister. Make that shit into dust rags and let’s move on. Promises are pretty and useless. Today is where it’s at.
Laura -
Well, we MIGHT be the same person. I’m not sure who I am some of the time. During those times, I might be you! So glad to meet a sister in the “fairy tales lie” revolution!
Rachel -
So, your married life is awesome? Because I’m pretty happy, but I’ve been sick for two days and moaning to myself and it would have been nice to abuse someone. Otherwise, no one judges me for eating Frosted Flakes for dinner every night for a week and that rocks socks.
Will -
Long term is the shit. But only one day at a time. Thanks for your comment, you don’t have to be an M to participate in FYM!
Wicked Shawn -
True bush-sporters just let that shit hang out at the pool or wherevers. They don’t give a crap about judgment because, you know, they’ve got the power of the bush. Can’t wait to meet you in August!
Rook -
Thanks, ms! Hang onto the boy who is okay with furry legwarmers, sloppy underwear time, and mangy labia. He is one in a million. xo
thenextmartha -
I’m am the stereotypical bachelor, but with tits. Thanks for liking me, anyway.
Alex@LateEnough -
This comment made my day. A lot. So glad we’re friends.
Granola_grrrl -
Lucky you for finding love that loves you the way you are. It’s all good. Despite what we are told, I’m pretty happy.
MFA Mama -
I am ambidextrous. And happy. xo
Stefanie -
The required tool is a heart. You’ve got that in spades, sister.
pattypunker -
Thanks, lady. If it gets any bigger, I’m going to have to go up a size in panties. I’m okay with that.
clairemontgomerymd -
So glad to be finding this sisterhood of fairy tale naysayers. Sorry about your prerequisite. You can buy them now, you know.
I’m sorry to say that until I read this post I had no idea that 70′s bush had gone out of style.
Never use your Dad’s old Playboy issues to groom yourself for summer.
This post was BRILLIANT! I find myself as a single lady in a similar place. Why can’t it just be the moment? Well done you!
THIS POST! touched me on so many different levels. Gulped every bit of it and agree with you wholeheartedly(Except for the trip to the Caribbean, you gotta go girl!). I too love eating chips at midnight, but for me it would be cupcakes and glasses of white wine. But I will say that even though it’s not as glamourous as they make it seem in the movies, it’s still a shitload of fun. *muah*
Annah -
It IS a shitload of fun. And makes for great stories.
Jenn -
Thanks. Great blog you’ve got. Glad to meet you.
dufmanno -
I am a new fan of your bush and your blog. Brilliant. You are bff material, for sure.