Oh, Look, It’s Picturing- Mel- Gibson- Giving- It- To- Tina- Turner O’clock.
When I’m writing, one o’clock in the morning seems to be about the time when inspiration plus insanity equals comedy gold. Or not. But it feels like gold because, well, it’s 1 a.m. and everything is funny.
Last night/this morning (1:25 a.m., for those keeping score), I thought “Why don’t I have a website where I post a daily pic of my ladybusiness? Not in a pornographic way (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but in a curious way where people can just drop by and check in on my cooch. Like Vagina Of The Day.” No, really. I actually thought that. And it seemed like a SUPER good idea. Also, I was sober.
So, I went to my usual domain dealer (you, too, can have big dreams for just ten bucks per year. I own eleven of them right now, paired down from fourteen because .net is for losers) and crossed my fingers that nobody had beaten me to the picturesofmyprivates.com punch. Luckily, they hadn’t. However, one of the cool things about Domain Dealer is that they will suggest other domains you might like in case the one you want is taken or you want another to go with it because they look so cute as a set. Like the Olsen Twins. Or Thompson Twins. Or Twin Peaks.
Suggested Domains:
paintingofmyprivates.com
Exactly! This is art, goddamn it! And why HASN’T anybody ever asked to paint my privates? What kind of Leo DiCaprio kind of shit do I have to put up with before a pauper seduces me, using only a paintbrush and some sweet words, in the belly of a large passenger steamship? Maybe if I buy the domain, it will set a chain of events in motion. Like a self-fulfilling prophesy. Or an Ashton Kutcher movie.
videoofmyprivates.com
Whoa, buddy, it might be one o’clock in the morning but I still know a bad idea when I see one. YOU should be paying ME ten dollars for this. Maybe even more. I gotta check.
filmofmyprivates.com
Now that’s MUCH classier. Everyone knows that film is way more legit than video and now we’ve come back around to art. My privates like to be backlit and shot in black and white with a soft focus lens. It’s in their contract.
picturesofmypublics.com
My publics? What the hell are my publics? Point to them on my body. Oh. My boobs. Yeah, I guess Spring Break 1992 DID sort of make them publics.
图片我的士兵.com – Chinese
The whole web site concept seems less tacky when the letters are pictures of little guys doing the YMCA dance. The guy second from the right should probably eat a sandwich. But what if Domain Dealer is mistaken and this says cometomyhouseandstealmyknickknacks.com? One quick whois search and my tchochke collection is in danger. I can’t take that chance and neither can my Precious Moments figurines.
अपनेमैथुनिकअंगकीतस्वीरें.com – Hindi
A more complicated dance than the Chinese YMCA, similar to a Radio City Rockettes chorus line, and one that involves most of the participants being headless, apparently. I sure hope it’s not for looking at pictures of privates. I mean, of course I’m sporting some cool stuff down there but it’s not worth losing your head over. And then dancing.
As brilliant as picturesofmyprivates.com is, I think I’m going to release the idea into the universe and let someone with a mons pubis that is smaller than a Big Mac run with it. Besides, .xxx is going to be the next .com and I’m putting all my eggs into the madma.xxx domain name. The world needs more dystopian future action porn and I need a chain mail dress. We don’t need another hero, we just need to get it on.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: MusingsofMommie
/ Jun 29 2010
OK…now that was effin hilarious. Dammit..I should be in bed instead of reading this at … holy shit! It’s 3am!
Stacey@MOAM´s last [type] ..Sleep- Where Are You-
i love it. then you could do one of those a year in pictures videos- except it would be the year of your vagina.
the grumbles´s last [type] ..this calls for a celebration
Twitter: Elisa_Ashley
/ Jun 29 2010
Maybe we should all go to bed earlier. Not together. That would be a whole different .com.
Elisa´s last [type] ..Live- Laugh- Love
Twitter: tracitalynne
/ Jun 29 2010
whenever we are short on cash, I try to convince my husband that we should have a website with pictures of his penis. We could make little hats and costumes for it for holidays, and it could have a little velvet curtain that pulled aside when you put your credit card # in.
He always says no, because he is no fun. It is probably for the best that you and I are not married, because who knows how much worse/better the internet would be then.
Traci´s last [type] ..no lions- or tigers
Oh, that is exactly when I’m funniest too (or, like you, when I find myself hilarious). Unfortunately, I rarely stay up that late anymore. I think my blog is suffering for it.
Also, please excuse the misspelling on my link below. I really do know how to spell chocolate. I bet I would have got it right if I’d been writing it at 1 in the morning.
Wendy´s last [type] ..Choclate Decorations
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Jun 29 2010
so glad you’re going to be madam.xxx in chain mail. i couldn’t have viewed daily pictures of your privates with precious moments figurines in the background. a crucifix, maybe. but precious moments? that’s just wrong.
pattypunker´s last [type] ..pimpin a painter
Twitter: alotofnothing
/ Jun 29 2010
I’m kind of offended that you think .NETs are for losers.
YOUR a looser.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last [type] ..Giving away the gay
Twitter: litanyofbritt
/ Jun 29 2010
First- I love random things o’clock
Second: I fucking hate the words “mons pubis”
Third: What kind of vag accessorizing are you doing to be able to take so many pictures. Because my vag is strictly a jeans and tshirt lady.
britt´s last [type] ..The Uke Zombie
So now I know what my problem is. I’m not staying up until 1 am.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last [type] ..To the President of Cleveland
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ Jun 29 2010
Is funnybitchfromhell.com taken?
I’m getting you that for Christmas
You funny bitch from hell!
x
Jenny Talia´s last [type] ..opinions are like arseholes…here’s mine
Jenny Talia -
Okay, but you’re getting funnybitchfromoz.com. It’s like some Gift of the Magi shit up in here!
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake -
It’s a fine line, sister. Make it to 2am and things get mighty ugly.
britt -
first: I am a big fan of the o’clocks
second: I don’t know what else to call my chunky muffin. “mound of venus”? “fat pad”? See? The alternative suck, too!
third: vajazzle vajazzle vajazzle
pattypunker -
it’s their big, expressive eyes and love of the lord that get me.
Wendy -
EVERYTHING is right at 1 in the morning. Besides, “choclate” is delicious, too.
Traci -
This is the best idea anyone has had, ever. Except me. Because everyone knows pussies trump peenies any day of the week. You + I = world domination!
Elisa -
Girl, that shit is .xxx, ALL. THE. WAY.
the grumbles -
Yes. Is there anyone who WOULDN’T want to watch my vagina age?
Stacey@MOAM -
Everything is effin hilarious at 3am. I am going to take my blog offline for 23 hours a day just to get these comments!
Have you ever visited vulvology.com? This is a terribly misleading “first time comment” I do realize. I’m a fairly above board, almost matronly type person, so I am not a creep. I repeat, I am not a creep. In fact, I’m credentialed. But it’s the first thing I thought about when you mentioned your hilarious idea.
Twitter: L8enough
/ Jun 29 2010
Your newest site is TOTALLY doing the YMCA in Chinese. Wait that sentence doesn’t make sense. But what you wrote did. It was like you got up in my head and read: YOU ARE THINKING THESE CHARACTERS ARE DANCING TO YMCA and wrote it down. Because that is EXACTLY what I was thinking at that EXACT point in your post.
So now I’m laughing and freaking out at the same time. Thanks. Sorta.
Alex@LateEnough´s last [type] ..After The Blogger Death Match- The Award Doesn’t Seem As Great But It Is
Twitter: avapidblonde
/ Jun 29 2010
Umm…The Pubic Mons…is ONE OF MY FAVORITE things to say. It is so awesome.
Also video is so passe, and film is kind of last year….but hi def vid is NoW!
A Vapid Blonde´s last [type] ..Dear Mike- You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings-
A Vapid Blonde -
“Mons, mon!” she said in a Jamaican accent, starting a revolution and an extremely profitable t-shirt/bumper sticker line.
Twitter: playcon
/ Jun 30 2010
I’m so glad I found myself procrastinating with a glass of wine in hand at precisely 1am by surfing the Internets and then was drawn to your blog via a comment at the Blogess and the swearing in your blog title. I am so glad because you are a funny lady. Thank you for that.
Picturesofmypubics.com is what they MEANT to say.
Annah´s last [type] ..LIVIN LA VIDA LOCA
OMG I almost fell out of my chair laughing.
But you’re right. Film is MUCH classier.
Cassie´s last [type] ..Pregnancy blues
Okay, but I’m taking paintingwithmyprivates.com. Uh huh. Go ahead and try to not picture me painting with my privates.
Hilarious post!
Rachel´s last [type] ..To Whom It May Concern-
You should totally buy paintingsofmyprivates. You don’t even need to have someone paint yours, you could just post a different Georgia O’Keefe painting every week!
amy t. -
paintingsthatgiveyounaughtiesinyournono.com
Rachel -
Fine, but I am not washing out your brushes.
Cassie -
Bonus points if it’s subtitled.
Annah -
picturesofmypubics.com makes much more sense. And would also make a great band name.
Rebecca -
I’m glad you came over to visit. Maybe try it again sometime. I plan to be funny again in the future.