Oh, Look, It’s Picturing- Mel- Gibson- Giving- It- To- Tina- Turner O’clock.
When I’m writing, one o’clock in the morning seems to be about the time when inspiration plus insanity equals comedy gold. Or not. But it feels like gold because, well, it’s 1 a.m. and everything is funny.
Last night/this morning (1:25 a.m., for those keeping score), I thought “Why don’t I have a website where I post a daily pic of my ladybusiness? Not in a pornographic way (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but in a curious way where people can just drop by and check in on my cooch. Like Vagina Of The Day.” No, really. I actually thought that. And it seemed like a SUPER good idea. Also, I was sober.
So, I went to my usual domain dealer (you, too, can have big dreams for just ten bucks per year. I own eleven of them right now, paired down from fourteen because .net is for losers) and crossed my fingers that nobody had beaten me to the picturesofmyprivates.com punch. Luckily, they hadn’t. However, one of the cool things about Domain Dealer is that they will suggest other domains you might like in case the one you want is taken or you want another to go with it because they look so cute as a set. Like the Olsen Twins. Or Thompson Twins. Or Twin Peaks.
Exactly! This is art, goddamn it! And why HASN’T anybody ever asked to paint my privates? What kind of Leo DiCaprio kind of shit do I have to put up with before a pauper seduces me, using only a paintbrush and some sweet words, in the belly of a large passenger steamship? Maybe if I buy the domain, it will set a chain of events in motion. Like a self-fulfilling prophesy. Or an Ashton Kutcher movie.
Whoa, buddy, it might be one o’clock in the morning but I still know a bad idea when I see one. YOU should be paying ME ten dollars for this. Maybe even more. I gotta check.
Now that’s MUCH classier. Everyone knows that film is way more legit than video and now we’ve come back around to art. My privates like to be backlit and shot in black and white with a soft focus lens. It’s in their contract.
My publics? What the hell are my publics? Point to them on my body. Oh. My boobs. Yeah, I guess Spring Break 1992 DID sort of make them publics.
图片我的士兵.com – Chinese
The whole web site concept seems less tacky when the letters are pictures of little guys doing the YMCA dance. The guy second from the right should probably eat a sandwich. But what if Domain Dealer is mistaken and this says cometomyhouseandstealmyknickknacks.com? One quick whois search and my tchochke collection is in danger. I can’t take that chance and neither can my Precious Moments figurines.
अपनेमैथुनिकअंगकीतस्वीरें.com – Hindi
A more complicated dance than the Chinese YMCA, similar to a Radio City Rockettes chorus line, and one that involves most of the participants being headless, apparently. I sure hope it’s not for looking at pictures of privates. I mean, of course I’m sporting some cool stuff down there but it’s not worth losing your head over. And then dancing.
As brilliant as picturesofmyprivates.com is, I think I’m going to release the idea into the universe and let someone with a mons pubis that is smaller than a Big Mac run with it. Besides, .xxx is going to be the next .com and I’m putting all my eggs into the madma.xxx domain name. The world needs more dystopian future action porn and I need a chain mail dress. We don’t need another hero, we just need to get it on.