My Kids Are Proof That What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger -or- Potty In The USA
This afternoon, the teen girl, teen boy, and I were sitting in the living room, quietly. It’s not that we love each other so much that we can’t bear to be apart, but the temp outside has been near the triple digits and it’s the only room in the house that feels cool most of the time. Anyway, he held his PSP, she held her iPod, and I typed away on my laptop. iTunes radio, tuned to a pop station, streamed at a very low volume out of my computer. I got up to go to the bathroom, just as this song came on.
Now, one thing you absolutely must know about me is I love to sing. It’s the greatest joy I’ve ever found and I suck at it. Really. I can’t carry a tune. I am completely tone deaf. I tied for last place in the only karaoke contest I’ve ever entered and my fellow loser was so drunk that she couldn’t read the words and then ran off the stage to vomit. I’m not kidding. I feel like it’s the most perfect punishment ever to create someone who only feels truly alive while singing and then make them sound like a cat in heat while achieving that bliss. Fuckin’ universe.
The other thing you need to know about me is that I’m the Weird Al of Pottytown. I can’t sing a song, no matter how somber, no matter how serious, without substituting bathroom words. It just ain’t in me. Take, for instance, Sinéad O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 Poo”. Or Huey Lewis’ “The Fart of Rock and Roll”. Or perhaps Jefferson Starship’s “We Built This City (On a Toilet Bowl) is more your speed. Regardless, if I can slip “poop”, “pee”, “fart” (sometimes “shart”, just to mix it up), “diarrhea”, or “butt” into a song (and I usually can), then I will.
So, back to the living room, from where I have just excused myself to use the restroom, and Kris Allen is singing about making the most of every day, just in case you kick the bucket. Upper, right? I fixed that.
I finished my business, washed up, and decided to give myself a laugh. I ran down the hallway and slid back into the living room, a la Tom Cruise in Risky Business, singing at the top of my lungs “GOTTA FAAAART LIKE WE’RE POOOOPING!” and, as I was singing and sliding, caught sight of my son’s face, which was wearing an expression of pure horror. He turned his head toward me, and I saw that he had his cell phone to his ear.
“Uh-huh. Okay. I’ll be in one day this week. Thank you. Bye,” he said in his “For Grownups Only” voice.
I instantly burst out laughing. Tears came so suddenly that they sprayed the inside of my glasses.
“Oh. My. God.,” I choked, a snort escaping. “Who was that?”
“My principal, saying the honor roll awards came in and I could pick up mine any time over the summer,” he growled.
He gritted his teeth while he spoke, which only made me laugh harder. Can’t put them biscuits back in the can (a homey-sounding expression that I just made up), so you might as well laugh, right?
“I’m so sorry,” I said, now nearing hysteria. My breathing was ragged, my face was red, and I was doing a screamlaugh that caused our upstairs neighbor to stomp around, angrily.
“No you aren’t,” he said.
I wish I could have argued, but the kid knows me.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ Jun 24 2010
Nothing wrong with having a parent that consistently embarrasses the crap out of you
I have two of them
And look how awesome I turned out
This is the part where you agree with me…
Jenny Talia´s last [type] ..video of the week
Twitter: lovinstilettos
/ Jun 24 2010
HAHAHA! I cannot WAIT until my kids are old enough to be embarrassed by things I do. It’s gonna be great!
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos´s last [type] ..♥The Love List.
Twitter: ificouldescape
/ Jun 24 2010
That’s hilarious! Isn’t it our job and right to not only nurture but also embarrass our kids whenever we can? I love to shout out weird, embarrassing comments to my teen when he’s playing on the x-box with his friends. Just keeping it real!
If I Could Escape´s last [type] ..Today’s blog post is brought to you by the letter L …
I love it! My son thinks he can’t be embarrassed by me anymore (and he’s only 15)…oh ye of little faith! I’m a mom and I will be embarrassing him for the rest of his life – YAY for me! Saw your comment at Adrienne’s place and had to stop by when I saw the name of your blog. I’ll be back
Now that I’ve cleaned the coffee off my monitor and blown my nose – Oh I can’t wait!
Twitter: toywithme
/ Jun 24 2010
If we can’t embarrass them then why did we have them? Hey, it could have been worse, the principle could have been at the door.
toywithme´s last [type] ..How To Get Laid Using Craigslist
Twitter: madsbloggingmom
/ Jun 24 2010
OMG, you’re my hero.
And while I don’t like bathroom related humor (I’ve got a stick shoved up my ass about that, sorry.) I LOVE that your poor son was mortified. My mom did her best to do the same thing to us….it was her dancing.
Mads Mom´s last [type] ..Thursday thirteen: A letter to my Google Reader
Twitter: tarabitesback
/ Jun 24 2010
It’s really the only way. Mortification is an art form and I give mad props to your son, who despite your best efforts, made the honor roll. I love potty humor which is good news for the four year olds in my family.
tara´s last [type] ..Wherever You Go, There You Are
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Jun 24 2010
i can’t believe you missed the op for shitty in “we built this city on a toilet bowl.”
love that you had a major laughing fit over this. wish i was there. that shit is contagious. (i’m so punny.)
pattypunker´s last [type] ..pimpin a painter
Twitter: L8enough
/ Jun 25 2010
I was put in between the loudest and most beautiful altos in chorus. To drown me out. I should’ve pulled out some potty versions during the concerts. While they were laughing, I could’ve had a SOLO.
Alex@LateEnough´s last [type] ..I Ask: What’s The Big Deal About Panty Lines?
Twitter: litanyofbritt
/ Jun 25 2010
Awesome. I like to sing about spanking my kids to the tune of stuff. Tracy Chapman’s “Gimme One Reason To Spank You” is a personal favorite. I don’t actually spank them, but they find the threat incredibly annoying. Good times.
britt´s last [type] ..Friends Don’t Let Friends Give Glitter To Toddlers
britt -
I rarely spanked the kids, once a year and 364 days of threats worked wonders in our house. Spank Me Baby One More Time could work, too.
Alex -
OMG, fart hymns are the best. Not that I would know.
pattypunker -
You win this round. Of comments. For which there is no prize. We Built This Shitty is the best.
tara -
I know. People are always surprised like “YOU made geniuses? YOU??” I hate people.
Mads Mom -
I feel lucky that, even though you don’t like potty humor, you read my blog! Win for me!!
toywithme -
It’s like you KNEW that I was in my rattiest pj’s while this was happening. We are soul mates.
neeroc -
Oh, you’ll get there. And it will be revenge for all the times your dad farted in inappropriate places or your mom flirted with your math teacher. It’s GREAT!
Cathy -
Thanks for coming over! I’ve got lots of horrible life choice stories so please stop back some time.
If I Could Escape -
My kids don’t have people over. I try not to take it personally, because I hate most other people’s kids, anyway. Keeping it real 4 lyf!
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Vodka -
It’s delicious. I just tell them that when they get older they can torture their own kids. Paying it forward, bitches!
Jenny Talia -
You turned out better ‘n most, I’d say. Your parents ARE embarrassing, but in the best way.
SOMEONE I know is making a fine living singing potty songs so, yeah, maybe I’m just waiting to hit it big.
Twitter: rubysu87
/ Jun 28 2010
What a welcome to your blog! I may have peed a little laughing. Well done!
CDG´s last [type] ..Invested -amp Poignant
CDG -
Thank you so much. Pee is my aim. A little is fine, but next time I’m gonna getcha. A lot.
Twitter: skywaitress
/ Jul 2 2010
Oh my god. I’m crying laughing. Crying. You should sell this blog as an ab work out. I always laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
Your kids are embarrassed now but they will laugh at it one day. They will also probably think about it when they’re embarrassing the crap out of their own kids.
Abigail @ Skywaitress´s last [type] ..Six Months
Abigail @ Skywaitress -
They love me. Just don’t ask them to confirm it.
Twitter: tixrus
/ Mar 12 2011
After my kids got over the embarrassment I caused them, at least some of them still speak to me. Yeah I can totally relate to this. And I don’t have to worry the principal of my kids’ high school would NEVER NEVER call a student at home.
Colleen´s last [type] ..Simple Secret to Being a Great Musician No Comments
Colleen -
THAT’S WHY THE CALL WAS SO UNEXPECTED! I mean, what principal calls a kid at home, any more? I’m off to dig through your website. it looks cool!