I Had A Dream I Stood Beneath An Orange Sky
Someone I care about took his own life.
He was mentally ill, a fact that he shared almost as soon as we’d met. It was like a dare. A challenge to see if I’d stay, even knowing that he was broken. Caring about him meant constantly choosing between the urge to run away screaming and the one to defend him, fiercely.
He was lovely and fucked up and damaged. Somehow both ethereal and corporeal with a frame so fragile that, when he hugged me, I felt as if he might break in two if I responded in kind. But there was an frenzied, unfocused power to him, as well. Like a steamroller being piloted by a frightened two-year-old.
He was overwhelming, sometimes. Hugging and kissing and wanting desperately to connect. He wasn’t properly cherished by those in charge of such things and was childlike in his need to climb in my lap or stroke my hair as I spoke. He was absolutely frantic to be loved and it was exhausting.
He self-medicated, as the drug cocktails prescribed by doctors weren’t enough. Weren’t enough to forget the pain and abuse visited upon him by the ones who were supposed to protect him. Weren’t enough to quiet the voices in his head, which told him lies. He lamented that no one really understood him, and I am certain that was the case. He self-medicated to death in the end. We had fallen out of touch. He needed more than I could give and had moved on to testing new friends. Daring them, instead. When I heard the news, I just nodded the way you do when something makes perfect sense.
I know you are supposed to love people in spite of suicide, but he didn’t stand a chance. The voices wouldn’t let him be, and I love him even more for finally giving himself permission to find peace. It was the bravest thing.
I’ll see you beneath an orange sky, my friend.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
wow. i get it and i’m sorry. beautiful song.
.-= clairemontgomerymd´s last blog ..because it’s my blog =-.
Twitter: WxDan
/ Apr 26 2010
I get it, too. I’ve been that guy.
It took me a long time to realize that the pain I was bringing upon others was greater than both the pain that had been inflicted on me and the pain I had inflicted upon myself.
I hope he’s found the peace that he deserves.
Twitter: Soulprncs3
/ Apr 26 2010
Sorry.
.-= SoMo´s last blog ..Amatuer Doctors, They are all Around Us. =-.
You know, we often talk about how suicide is a coward’s way out and that, in time, things will get better. But there are just times when it won’t get better. We advocate for individuals with a terminal illness to be able to commit assisted suicide. How is lifelong mental anguish any different than a terminal illness? The pain is just as acute and has no end in sight. You are right, it was a brave choice. Thanks for sharing that.
Lauren -
Thank you for the support. I was really worried about admitting I felt that way. One of my favorite songs (Nobody’s Crying by Patty Griffin) includes the lyrics:
May you dream you are dreaming in a warm, soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sounds of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head
It keeps playing in my head when I think of him. Wishing that for you, as well.
SoMo –
Thank you so much. Everything is okay now. Peace.
Dan -
Hi friend. Thank you for sharing. So glad you came out the other side so I could be lucky enough to know you.
clairemontgomerymd -
Thank you so much for the comment and the love. It made my morning to get up and see this.
Patty Griffin is one of my favorite artists and I don’t think that I’ve ever heard that one. I’ll definitely search it out. And if my words helped in any way then you haveade my day as well.
Twitter: mrsnotouching
/ Apr 26 2010
I am so sorry… but I have to say, this is the most unexpected and beautiful post from you. Thinking of you.
.-= mrs.notouching´s last blog ..Picture Imperfect =-.
Twitter: divacowgirl
/ Apr 27 2010
I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve experienced a friend taking his own life and it’s so hard to wrap your head around it.
.-= divacowgirl´s last blog ..I did it! =-.
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Apr 27 2010
(((hugs))). i hope he has found peace. your post did him justice, even though i didn’t know him, i felt his pain and i felt his fight against it. i’m sorry he lost but i’m with lauren, that decision took courage and in the end gave him some control which eluded him his whole life.
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..flogging patty =-.
Sorry for your loss…
However, thank you – & I think I speak for the broken masses here – for understanding that he wasn’t being selfish. Your point of view is amazing. Sending much love your way.
.-= Ambry´s last blog ..7 Key Points =-.
Twitter: tarabitesback
/ Apr 29 2010
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. You are so eloquent about loss and depression. He was lucky to have you for the time he did. I get so upset when I hear people say someone who takes their own life is selfish. Someone who says that has never really seen the bottom. Depression is a big fat liar and it lies to you and tells you bad things. It’s a mean ass stalker and I’m sorry that it got your friend.
.-= tara´s last blog ..This One’s For You Jessie =-.
Twitter: L8enough
/ Apr 29 2010
A close friend of mine committed suicide a few years ago. She had similar demons.
I often feel torn. I am so happy that she is free. But I’ve seen the affects of her decision on so many people. And I also know people who have fought off the same demons to which she succumbed. I guess that I wish she and your friend had made it.
And while I am grateful that they have peace, I am also grateful that not everyone has to follow their path to find it.
Big hug to you and his friends and family.
.-= Alex´s last blog ..Nobody Says: When I Grow Up, I Want To Be Like My Younger Sister =-.
mrs.notouching –
thank you so much. for the compliment, the sympathy, and just coming around to read what I write. xo
divacowgirl –
thank you so much. he will be okay, and so will I.
pattypunker –
that’s exactly right. after being a victim his whole, very short life, he took control. thank you for the hugs and just for being a friend.
Ambry -
thank you for understanding my point of view. it means a lot.
tara -
the bottom is so far beyond what most people can even imagine. thank you for knowing.