Hint: It Was Lean On Me By Club Nouveau
When I was in high school, approximately ninety-nine years ago, I ran with a superstraight crowd. Well, not a crowd, exactly, but enough to play bridge except when one of us was mad at the rest, which was pretty much all the time. Anyway, we all decided to become Peer Counselors one semester, which basically meant that, for one period every day plus one after school session per week, we would make ourselves available to listen to and rap about (yeah, that’s right, I said “rap”. it was the ’80s (but just barely so, you know, shut up).) people’s problems; whether they be with friends, boyfriends, parents, teachers, their own weird bodies, whatever. We were instructed in suicide prevention methods (pretty much just calling a grownup), what to do if one of our “clients” wanted to hurt someone else (again, grownup), and dealing with reports of abuse (also, grownup. in fact, looking back, we were kind of just tattletales who got an hour to fuck around every day (please don’t tell my mom because it’s the only A I got in high school. oh, and French, but that was because I had a little flirt with Monsieur Silver) and rad tee shirts. Oh, yeah, there were tee shirts). We were the cool kids’ worst nightmare: Hall Monitors for your soul.
The thing is, I was sure I was going to be an actress, and everyone knows that actresses don’t have to care about other people, but thought that training to do so could only benefit me (duh) in case I needed to play someone who was empathetic. I practiced making concerned faces and sympathetic eyes in the mirror and really selling the whole caring bit. I decided that frosty pink lipstick really brought out the “I’m here for you, friend”-ness in my mouth and always wore Love’s Baby Soft, in case I wanted to go in for the hug with a little extra squeeze at the end for authenticity. I worked on crying on cue, but couldn’t master it. I hadn’t yet experienced enough tragedy in my life. Now, I’ve got more than enough material to draw from and nothing to fake cry for. Thanks a lot, life.
In the end, I think I saw a total of 10 clients all semester and never anyone more than once. Turned out, I was TOO superstraight for peer counseling. I had to ask my fellow counselors things like what a joint was or if lesbians were from Lesbia and, if so, where on the globe I could find it (yeah. that happened). No one wanted to tell their secrets to the girl who was like “Oh, I totally know about that. I read about it in Judy Blume’s ‘Forever’.”
But, before all this. Before the tattling and the fucking around and concerned face and sympathetic eyes and the confusion about drugs and sex, we had…
Peer Counseling Camp!
That’s right, folks. That, there, is a picture of me. And some other people. But definitely me, too. I don’t remember what we were singing, but I’m 100% sure it was inspirational and Up With People-y.
So, internet, now you’ve seen me. And my poor fashion choices. My anonymity just went out the window, along with my pride. Which is great because I was starting to feel a little bloated.
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ Jul 22 2010
Ah ha…..but you didn’t say *which* one was YOU lady!
Very sneaky
Not that I don’t already know. Cause I’m a genius and a little bit stalker-y
x
oh god, the horrors. jon and i watched out middle-school musicals together a few months back and it was so awful reliving those awkward times ON TAPE while SINGING.
and HAAAA the “straight” kids always grow up to be the weird ones, eh?
the grumbles´s last blog ..THE TRAIN HAS NO WHEELS and yes- im yelling
Twitter: OHmommy
/ Jul 22 2010
Nice try. LOL.
Hall Monitors for your soul.
Hahahahahaahaha.
Oh man. It just sounds like a scary movie tagline, doesn’t it? You are so awesome.
Twitter: Elisa_Ashley
/ Jul 22 2010
Just here to giggle and tell you I love you already.
Elisa´s last blog ..Today I Threw Myself In Front Of A Bus
Twitter: L8enough
/ Jul 22 2010
I practiced my evil eye in the mirror. But I was totally a peer counselor in seventh grade. I’m sure glaring at people didn’t make them want to spill their guts to me either.
(And “hall monitor for the soul” is one of the best phrases ever turned.)
Alex@LateEnough´s last blog ..I’m The King Of World! Hungry And Without Television But Still King-ish
Gosh I sure do miss the early 80′s. If you want to view my high school days just rent “Freaks and Geeks” but you’ll have to guess which I was…aw you probably guessed already. Oh and Judy Blume…saved us all and Lesbians are from Philadelphia, lol
Jenn´s last blog ..Pretzels or Chips
Twitter: fabuleslie1
/ Jul 22 2010
Oh my goodness. This was an awesome post! Or should I say totally rad? I too, am a child of the 80s, and was superstraight in school. I did the same kind of activities, like Safe Rides, where we would drive people home if they were drunk. I was also in band, and my band friends and I would party hard at my house, with my parents in the other room, by playing board games like Taboo and Guesstures and Pictionary. And then we’d stay up til 4am (gasp!) talking about the mysteries of life and the universe. That was how craaaazy we could get. I know. Almost as crazy as peer counselor camp!
FabuLeslie´s last blog ..Save the Boob-Sweaty iPod- Save the Cheerleader
Twitter: stopbouncing
/ Jul 22 2010
the only thing bigger than your hair was your willingness to help others.
stephanie´s last blog ..Tidbits
I still have your report card
Love, Mom
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Jul 22 2010
love’s baby soft — that was the shiznet!
which one are you!
pattypunker´s last blog ..iCollect
such a do-gooder, even in your blissful youth.
Twitter: Fargs77
/ Jul 22 2010
Also was a fan of Love’s Baby Soft. Also was extremely straight-laced kid with a ‘whack’ sense of style until I hit about 16. Then, by the time I was 17, I had a two week old baby. And style didn’t matter as much as an elastic waist. Sigh.
Angela´s last blog ..The Master Bedroom
Twitter: onSanity
/ Jul 22 2010
loved the post. the cheek. the play on… everything. but most of all, loved your mom’s comment
angelica´s last blog ..on the shadows that cross our path
I’ve been lurking for a while, I love you. And I think we might be sisters, so that love is OK. But lesbian love is OK too, if you’re a lesbian, or a porn star. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. I graduated in 81 so you’re probably younger than me (shut up) and I totally remember Love’s Baby Soft…and Jean Nate’ and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and Izod’s. I was a total dweeb in high school, I wasn’t a member of anything so you’re ahead of me there. Plus, I had red hair. HA HA, I win! oh, maybe not.
Twitter: subWOW
/ Jul 23 2010
“I practiced making concerned faces and sympathetic eyes in the mirror and really selling the whole caring bit.” They say if you fake it, you will end up believing in it. So… LOL.
I wonder whether it was anything like the Band Camp… And thanks for making us guess. My life needs some mystery indeed!
subWOW´s last blog ..Sundays in My City – Beach Edition
Twitter: bcomingnoahsmom
/ Jul 23 2010
Great article! I love your writing!
Keep up the good work.
*Tanya*
bcomingnoahsmom
http://www.bcomingnoahsmom.wordpress.com
Tanya´s last blog ..Learn What the Experts are Saying About Spanking
Twitter: litanyofbritt
/ Jul 24 2010
One of my aunts is from Lesbia.
I was like that when I was growing up, though the highlight for me was being a crossing guard during a period in elementary school. I got to wear one of those cool reflective vests. And if you encountered me in the hall with no pass – man, was I a rule girl then!
Heidi´s last blog ..becoming one with nature 1 of 2
Twitter: adhocmom
/ Jul 25 2010
Very Funny!!
I was in a peer counseling group class too! I didn’t have ambitions for being an actress I just heard there were cute boys in the class…I know, I know I’m a real samaritan. I’m sure all those folks from Lesbia were very glad that they has someone like you who knew where they were coming from.
Tonya´s last blog ..A Mother A Writer A Summer A Rant A Guest Post by The Awesome Laura Munson
Tonya -
I’m like a prettier United Nations.
Heidi -
oh, sister, you KNOW I was a crossing guard, too! I held the big long stop sign on a stick. which is not a euphemism. probably.
britt -
I visited for quite a long time, but never immigrated.
Tanya -
thanks so much!
subWOW -
oh, I did band camp, too. I was a flag girl, doncha know? for the record, I never stuck a musical instrument in my vagina. I think maybe that only happens in movies.
Sunny -
yeps, Class of ’89. you know what else? dittos! do you remember those jeans? and dolphin shorts! I am a west coast girl so it’s possible some of my stuff is regional. oh, I always thought the red haired girls were so hot!
angelica -
she came in and stole the show!
MommaKiss -
I was just waiting for my big break. still waiting…
pattypunker -
I smelled some Love’s Baby Soft recently and, guess what? IT STILL SMELLED GOOD! sure, it was an overly-sweet, stripper kind of good, but who the crap doesn’t want to smell like a stripper? those girls are awesome!
Lea -
way to come in and be funnier than me! boo!! love you.
stephanie -
and my love for Kevin Bacon. NOTHING was bigger than that.
FabuLeslie -
guess what? that’s STILL how I get rowdy! welcome to Team FuckYeah!
Jenn -
so I’ve been mispronouncing it this whole time? philadelphians makes much more sense. I mean, at least I had HEARD of them!
Alex@LateEnough -
of COURSE you were a peer counselor! you still are! you give the best advice, ever. well, except for the glaring, but I thought it was because I am so pretty.
madmothwhat -
both things are not only allowed, but totally encouraged. thank you.
Sara -
you are awesome back. your blog is my candy.
OHmommy -
everyone will have to look at me soon enough. besides, this was probably the last time I had good skin.
the grumbles -
I would pay to see those tapes with gold, silver, and one of octomom’s extra babies. what? come on, she has plenty. she won’t even notice.
Jenny Talia -
that’s because we are real, ally mcbeal!