Flow It, Show It, Long As God Can Grow It
I was showering this morning (you know – getting wet, soaping up, hitting all the important parts and the less-important parts that just feel good to hit), when I was surprised by something… the bushiness of my bush. I mean, I knew I hadn’t trimmed her lately, so it made sense, but had no idea she was already so, um, natural. I struggled to remember the last time I had gardened down in my posy patch. Let’s see, I haven’t done the dirty in 75 plus 10 carry the one. Yeah. It’s been a while.
In my life, I’ve tried out many a ‘do on my Little Miss Don’t. For the first 25 years or so, she roamed free. Like a gazelle. Or maybe a porcupine. Then I found porn and realized that everyone didn’t look like me down under. Up until then, I had only seen other cooches in anatomy textbooks or National Geographic magazines or in my college dorm room. Every one I had ever seen pretty much looked like mine, give or take a few tufts. This world of partially hairless love pillows intrigued me. A snoozy sex life (I was watching the porno alone so, uh, yeah) lead me to try to jazz up my vageezy. I took a little off the bottom at first, as sort of a fuzzy version of training wheels. Or, at least that was the plan. But, for some reason, I couldn’t get it right. I couldn’t get it straight. I tried again and again to make a neat triangle, taking off tiny bits at a time. The triangle got smaller and smaller. Narrower and narrower. Soon, I was left with Hitler’s mustache, staring back from the handheld mirror. No, I supposed that wouldn’t do. I went full tilt boogie, cleaning up until all I was left with was a mound resembling a hamburger bun, split and all.
While it took a little getting used to, visually, I wasn’t really looking at it all that much. What I WAS doing was feeling it. It. Was. Awesome. I felt free, I felt sexy, I felt itchy. Okay, yes, it was a little itchy. But free and sexy! I vowed to never go back to the jungle!
But, time and two kids lead me back. I wandered away from the clean shaven muffin of yesteryear. I got busy. I got hairy. Then I got a job showing my business on camera. I went back to completely bare down there. But it seemed like a chore. It was for work, so I automatically resented it. It was a uniform for my pussy. As soon as I went back to wearing clothes for a living, I went bushy again. In fact, I’ve gone back and forth most of my adult life. My poor ladyfriend is a schizophrenic in a hall of mirrors.
So, back to this morning. I didn’t have time to fix her up right then and there in the shower. Once you get to the stage where it looks like you are smuggling Rip Van Winkle in your panties, it takes a while to right the wrong, if you know what I mean. I was late, as always, but drove extra careful on my way to work, lest I have an accident and have to be stripped naked in a hospital, only for them to find Richard Simmons’ fatter twin between my legs. I also tiptoed around at work, sure this would be the day that I amputate my arm in the flower chopper or one of my excoworkers comes in all disgruntled to settle the score. Not with me but, you know, sometimes there’s collateral damage. “Please don’t let me die today,” I prayed, “Not this way. Won’t spontaneously voiding my bowels be punishment enough for my misdeeds?” What I secretly DIDN’T reveal in the prayer was the fact that spontaneously voiding my bowels is not unique to death and, instead, pretty much a daily event for me.
So, I made it through the day without incident and am finally safe at home where I can makeover Wednesday Addams and take her from slightly frumpy to totally humpy. But it’s late. I had a hard day. I am tired. And the Berenstain Bears are on. Tomorrow, though, tomorrow… doubleprayers and then double blades. Probably.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ Jul 30 2010
I’ve had many a day where it’s looked like my coochie’s just had chemo
Now-a-days though, I just don’t fucking care
Jenny Talia´s last [type] ..tommy emmanuel
something about mom-hood (i’m guessing it’s the NO TIME thing) removes all cares about the state of one’s vageezy. i can vouch for that first hand, with dumbledore’s beard flouncing around down there.
maybe i’ll fix it up this weekend, just for you.
the grumbles´s last [type] ..mr jude and the cup
Twitter: BettyFokker
/ Jul 30 2010
I say roam free!Let us all throw down our razors and wax, while crying out for the triumphant return of 70s bush!
I was waiting for my massage on Sunday and noticed boxes of hair dye for the southern bits. After I stopped laughing my ass off, I began to ponder it. Maybe I’ll try pink muffin sprinkles….
After having let the muff get out of control, and the ensuing battle to get it back to the well-trimmed order it once was, I secretly smiled to myself knowing my husband would be pleased with the results. Turns out he didn’t even notice. I mean, it isn’t ever a jungle that you’d get lost in, but I thought he’d appreciate the effort. Nope. That’s when I realized that I was only making the garden pretty for myself – and I’m okay with that.
Hahaha. I just had to do a quick emergency trim the other day with a pair of scissors because I was a few hours away from a dr. appointment. I am sure she has seen many a bush, but my regrowth wasn’t exactly symmetrical. Of course the trim wasn’t exactly symmetrical either, but at least it was slightly better than before.
Twitter: fabuleslie1
/ Jul 30 2010
I’ve had a similar journey as you in this department. Minus the kids and the taking it off for the camera. I’m single now and enjoying the laziness of it all. When I meet someone again, it will be major cleanup time. And I’m ok with that.
FabuLeslie´s last [type] ..Warm Butter Fantasies and a Battery-Stain Removalution
Twitter: lovinstilettos
/ Jul 30 2010
LMAO. This is HILARIOUS! I love it!
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos´s last [type] ..Haters
Twitter: missbritt
/ Jul 30 2010
Here’s my problem – the itch. And then I get through the itch and… damn.. I don’t wanna go back!
Miss Britt´s last [type] ..Fiery
Twitter: onSanity
/ Jul 30 2010
absolutely hilarious. thoroughly enjoyed the word play. never knew my chichi had so many naming options.
….Now I feel like I should make and effort, the muffin pink thing sounds fun, I once saw a place where you could get messages written….
angelica´s last [type] ..Help! my son just discovered his new best friend…
Twitter: mofthesea
/ Jul 30 2010
One word for you, sister:
Laser.
I am TOTALLY having that zapped and not worry about it for another day in my life. Smooth, sexy and carefree, here I come!
ofthesea´s last [type] ..Reason 54 – I refuse to give my baby Early Stimulation
Twitter: litanyofbritt
/ Jul 30 2010
When managing the lady garden, single blades are best. And baby oil. I learned this from tv.
And what job did your vagina get? Because mine needs to start earning her keep.
britt´s last [type] ..Its Funny Because It Didnt Happen To Me This will offend at least half of you
Twitter: BettyFokker
/ Jul 30 2010
You have inspired me.
Betty Fokker´s last [type] ..In Praise of Pubic Hair
“Rip Van Winkle” – bwahahahaha! I loved that one.
Luckily? I don’t suffer from the itchies. I use an electric razor and shave it down to the five o’clock shadow, if I can be bothered with it at all. I like it best when there’s still a full bush, but it’s trimmed. Like a nicely manicured lawn. People say that about lawns, don’t they? Manicured?
Megan @Momlarky´s last [type] ..Oh- Poop
Twitter: cheeselessmom
/ Jul 31 2010
First I need to say – the word of the day is TOTALLY Vajeezy! Love it! Great post – my husband was wondering wtf I was laughing at.
So my take on the trimming of the hedges: who cares as longs as it is not resembling a sprawling field of clover and crabgrass – ewe.
Since being having my daughter, gaining 50lbs, and working from home – the last thing I think of is the “down under”. I used to be cleanly trimmed and powdered (it helped the itch) and then I found the Brazilian.
I thought I would spice things up and surprise my husband.
a) I had never had a brazilian wax before
b) I had never had a bikini wax before
c) I thought jumping in with 2 feet on my lunch break at work was a good idea
If anyone has ever had a brazilian wax – it is a little intense. I sat in my chair talking to customers while my crotch felt like it had its own heartbeat – it was mad. 4 advil later I was a bit better – but holy crap!
Jaime-Ann´s last [type] ..…the continuation of a really long comment…
Jaime-Ann -
ah, yes, the vageezy pulse. I am all too familiar. the first wax is the deepest, they say. well, guess what? I’ll never know because NO WAY am I trying that again. I’ll grow Rapunzel-style locks before that!
Megan @Momlarky -
people in the old days were fancier. OF COURSE they manicured their lawns. crap, now I’m thinking about your bush.
britt -
honey, I don’t know WHAT kind of tv you watch, but I am ALL ABOUT that show. my vagina is a zookeeper.
Betty Fokker -
oh! I see! on my way to read…
ofthesea -
I am 100% in favor of my pussy being featured in a Star Wars remake. pass the light saber. but wipe it off first.
angelica -
my message would be “yes. sometimes.”
Miss Britt -
but you DO go back, repeatedly. and, you say “never again”. but again, sister, again.
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos -
thanks!
FabuLeslie -
I should go back and buy picturesofmyprivates.com to document my pubic hair. height of narcissism or public service? you decide.
Natalie -
the quick emergency trim has saved my life, many times. “slightly better”, “good enough”, these are the words I live by.
maya -
yes. your garden for you. my garden for me. love.
jennielynn -
fuck. yeah. I need a pink lady. off to google your awesome find! thanks for sharing. also, massage?
the grumbles -
“dumbledore’s beard” owns my face. let’s get married.
Jenny Talia -
you travel. I know you are going to go full Telly Savalas when you get home and get laid. bitch.
PSA to my fellow mens: Even though it might seem really funny at the time, don’t ever compare your lady’s bidness to “Bob Marley in a headlock.” There’s a 98.4% chance that she’s not going to find it as funny as you do.
70′s bush, as you once called it, is a far better alternative to the itching furiously in public.
I turned to the bikini wax one year when I was sick of shoving my hand down my bathing suit at the beach and I’ve never gotten over the trauma.
What are the other alternatives?
I know someone who jumped onto the laser hair removal bandwagon but she had cavewoman syndrome so I don’t blame her. I’m not sure i can make that kind of commitment.
Yeah, I just trim it.
“You can’t handle the itch!” That’s from a movie, right?
Caitlin´s last [type] ..When the bitch bun goes up- stuff gets serious
Twitter: Beccas4
/ Aug 4 2010
Ok dumb quesion… I am a big girl who has three babies, so obviously I can’t see my precious. So I shave, and then I cut myself , and then I don’t want anybody to touch me. How so I do this without killing myself, hmmm???
Becca´s last [type] ..Dont you want to lose weight
Becca –
I do it all by feel, baby. I also stay away from the, uh, good parts. I’m clumsy, the razor is slippery, and I really like my clitoris.