Dream A Little Dream Of Me
“Your brother is a heroin addict.”
These words, strung together in this order, make as much sense to me as “fish skate macaroni” or “bubble chicken mustache”. I know they are real words, but I can’t, for the life of me, make them logical.
However, on Saturday, I heard them from my dad, who said them into a telephone 3000 miles away. And the world got small. And the sound of rushing water filled my ears. And he was saying some other words but I couldn’t hear him anymore. And I put my head on my steering wheel and cried.
My little brother, only 21, is the apple of my eye. He’s closer to a son than a sibling, by virtue of age, alone. But our bond is stronger than typical, as well. I have another brother, whom I love, but not in the same throw-myself-in-front-of-a-bus-to-save-his-life kind of way. Yep, I am crazy about this kid. And, when I moved across the country three years ago, I knew that I was doing the right thing for my own children and I, but it really hurt to leave him.
I didn’t call as much as I should have. Time just seemed to fly by. And, when I did call, he was busy. And when he called back, I was busy. And three years passed with us getting the majority of our news about each other from our parents but not really connecting. He called a few weeks ago, and his voice mail was sad. He said he was calling me because I am the only one who really understands him. When I called back, I left a message and pretty much forgot about it.
Until the call. From my dad. From 3000 miles away. And the small world. And the rushing water.
Since my dad’s call, there have been more. The saddest ones from my brother, while in the throes of a heroin detox. Everyone who has ever seen one of those intervention or addiction shows on television just got the “holy shit” look on their face or maybe even said it out loud. It’s okay, “holy shit” is the only way to describe such an ordeal.
Think about someone who you love with a big piece of your heart. Now imagine them crying and yelling and babbling incoherently and vomiting and shitting themselves while you listen but can’t reach them. Think of them begging you to do something, to help them, but there is no way you can because this thing they are going through, this evil they are giving birth to, has to be gone through. Has to be born. There aren’t as many fish in the ocean as tears I have cried in the past five days.
And there are more to come. He’s in a facility now where he can get help, and I might have to get some help, myself. You know the bullshit commercials where they talk about how addiction doesn’t just hurt you but, also, the ones you love? Yeah. Pretty much not bullshit, it turns out. I can’t sit quietly without being haunted by the sound of him vomiting, I can’t close my eyes without dreaming of him sobbing. I can’t not feel guilty about having abandoned him when, clearly, he needed me.
For now, I’m going to read some stuff, talk to some people, and try to make sense of the nonsensical. I’m going to help my kids, who have been deeply affected by the fact that I’ve been deeply affected (and passed the tissues like champs) with their own feelings on the matter. I’m going to pick up the tiny pieces of my heart, one at a time, and try to get on with it. And, when he is finished with his treatment, I’m going to be right here waiting. Full of love and support for my brother: heroin addict.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Damn girl…….my thoughts are with you. Fuck yeah sisterhood
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..I’m Going To Have To Start Training For More Sex =-.
Twitter: toywithme
/ May 20 2010
I have also dealt with an extremely close family member & drug addiction. To be helpless was the hardest part. My heart goes out to you as you experience this overwhelming ordeal. I hope rehab is successful and you rekindle the bond you shared in the past. Go easy on yourself, you’re not the cause. Take very good care.
.-= toywithme´s last blog ..A Tattoo On Your Penis? WTF? =-.
Twitter: L8enough
/ May 20 2010
My heart is with you and your family. But don’t you dare think you abandoned him when he needed you. You are where you are supposed to be. As is he. You couldn’t have changed a thing. I promise.
.-= Alex@LateEnough´s last blog ..If You Have A Barney Tattoo, Don’t Despair. He’s About To Go Cool =-.
Twitter: sparklelusty
/ May 20 2010
After the hurt comes the healing. Sending you thoughts of strength, patience, comfort, and peace.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..55 MPH Photography =-.
Twitter: 3knees
/ May 20 2010
My heart breaks for you and I understand what you are going thru, as I have experienced a child of mine during her addiction and subsequent & ongoing recovery. Thankfully, rehab helped. She did relapse immediately upon getting home, but a stint in jail helped her find what she called “below my bottom” It hurt me to leave her there, but it saved her life. Actions have consequences.
She’s 8 months clean now and a firm believer in AA & NA. Her maturity has astounded and impressed me. I go to meetings as well, the ones for families of addicts/alcoholics. I’ve learned to hate the addiction and not the child. I’ve learned how to “fight” honestly. To realize that trying to talk rationally to an addict in the throes of addiction is useless, as there is no rationality for them. All that matters is the addiction. I’m so glad to hear he is getting the help he needs. Now do the right thing and have the rest of the family get help also.
Learning how to successfully deal with the addiction will enable you all to get on the path to healthy and safe living.
Please feel free to reach out to me if you feel the need.
Twitter: pattypunker
/ May 20 2010
i got the call, too. your brother is a crack addict. it’s been over 10 years now and many a rock bottom has been hit, but apparently not the final boulder.
my brother has never sought help. he keeps managing to survive and people keep enabling him and his drug-addiction. i just want him to get help like your brother. and yes the entire family needs help because of his addiction, particularly my mother. it has brought out the worst in all of us. i am especially mad at myself for cutting him off, but he has done nothing to help himself and stop hurting others. especially his innocent children who have suffered the fears and ugliness of a drug addicted parent for so long.
i’m so glad your brother is getting help and i wish him all the best. at least trying to get help would be a first step for my brother. i hope i don’t regret not being there for him, but i need him to at least try to get help. i’m having trouble forgiving or trusting him unless i know he will at least make an effort to quit. then i will be right by his side, like you are with yours.
i’ll never stop loving him, but i can’t be torn apart, stolen from, lied to, and frightened all the time, like his wife and kids and my mom.
your love and support are remarkable and will help your brother tremendously. i want to do the same for my brother but feel he has to take the first step. and i know it’s a baby step, but that’s how we all get out of life’s sinkholes: one little step at a time.
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..perfect couples bore me =-.
Twitter: violetscreaming
/ May 20 2010
My heart goes out to your brother, to you, your family and your friends. I don’t know you from a bar of soap, however if you would like to talk to someone who has been in your position and has experience with dealing with heroin addiction please feel free to email me, or tweet me @violetscreaming.
“when he is finished with his treatment, I’m going to be right here waiting. Full of love and support for my brother, heroin addict.”
that is THE best thing you can do for him. If he is in a qualified detox facillity both his health and his heart will be watched over as he goes through the ‘re-birth’ experience. When he emerges he will need your un-conditional love and support. The physical or body part of detox takes a few days and can be rough, yet the mind and soul take a lot longer to heal.In the weeks, months and maybe even years to come he will need you, your love and your support.
As I said my heart goes out to you and yours.
peace, love and empathy x
Ouch! My heart hurts for you – and you need a mascara alert on this one. I have a baby brother and I can’t imagine how bad this would hurt.
I will keep you in my thoughts and know that you are a great sister! He knows you love him and that will bring him through this.
XO
Chris
.-= Chris´s last blog ..Run Christy Run =-.
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ May 20 2010
Being away from family when you feel you need to be there, hurts. It hurts like a motherfucker. And then guilt joins the party
I agree with Alex though, you ARE where you need to be & I really believe you couldn’t have changed a thing
You are such a good person. An amazing Mum
And now we all know, a pretty shit hot sister too. You’re there for him, he knows this. That’s everything he needs right there.
Seriously my friend, if all our love & positive thoughts could reach you right now, you’d be drowning in them
*hugs*hugs*hugs*hugs*
JT
x
.-= Jenny Talia´s last blog ..complaints department =-.
My prayer for you…and your brother… is that your brother has hit the bottom. As much as you want to help, it is really up to him to do the footwork to remain in recovery. The hardest thing for you is that you can’t do it for him. You can only love him enough to let him do this himself.
Twitter: lovinstilettos
/ May 20 2010
I went through a similar situation with my ex(father of my daughter) and it is fucking awful. There aren’t even words to really describe how it feels to watch/hear someone you love go through that. My heart is heavy reading this post, because I know just how traumatizing it all is. I hope that your brother starts to feel better soon and I hope both of you can get the help that you need. *HUGS*
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..♥Pour Your Heart Out – Abusers Never Change. =-.
Twitter: tarabitesback
/ May 20 2010
I completely agree with Alex. There is nothing you could have stopped. Not even you are a match for that drug. The important thing, the ONLY thing that matters is you are here for him now, waiting for him. And if I know you even a tiny bit you’ll hang on to him for dear life and he’ll get better.
.-= tara´s last blog ..Science and Reason Are No Match for Second Grade Hang Ups =-.
Twitter: serialmono
/ May 20 2010
There’s nothing anyone can say to make you hurt less, except to remind you what you already know: This is not your fault.
So, so sorry. Best wishes for your brother, you, and your family.
.-= Ells´s last blog ..Wagon: The thing that I get off and on depending on my mood. =-.
Twitter: BestofFates
/ May 20 2010
My heart is breaking for you right now.
Thank you so much for having the courage to share – I’m going to go call my family and start doing a better job of keeping in touch.
Twitter: MidwesternMamaH
/ May 20 2010
Addiction is a horrible thing. Not only for the addict, but for the family as well. I know this first hand. My first husband was a binge drinker/alcoholic. Not the same as herion, I know, but an addiction none the less.
Reach out to your local Al Anon group, they can help you and steer you towards what you need. You are very wise for already knowing this.
Thoughts and prayers for you and yours… Holly
.-= Holly B´s last blog ..Taking A Different Turn =-.
So much love goes out to you. My baby brother is just that to me too – my baby. He was in an unimaginable car accident 1½ years ago, & while nowhere near the same as drug addiction, watching him suffer in the days & weeks of his recovery rocked me to my very core. The best thing for a hurting baby brothers is immense love.
Best wishes to your brother & your entire family.
.-= Ambry´s last blog ..I Know That Without You Is Something That I Could Never Do =-.
Twitter: onimonster
/ May 20 2010
My heart aches for you and your brother. Love and prayers for you both.
Twitter: MarinkaNYC
/ May 20 2010
Oof, this is brutal. I’m thinking of you all.
.-= marinka´s last blog ..White Flag Waving =-.
You are a wonderful writer. I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds crazy, but it is a “family disease.” Getting yourself help could be the best thing you do for your brother. Big hugs and lots of love. Take care of yourself.
Twitter: smellykellie
/ May 20 2010
I’ve gotten that same call three times in my life. Although the words were a little different…it was always the same. I understand your pain! It’s startling and scary plus a million other emotions, especially when tomorrow feels so far away. Day by day seems impossible. I just updated a blog post about my brother who couldn’t go on anymore. Now he is almost 18mos sober. That’s a huge feat! For him especially but for our family as well. I will say a prayer for your family.
Twitter: Bellalarrew
/ May 20 2010
I am so sorry, this is a very hard thing to go though, and i hope for everyones sake who is involved that he beats these demons, and can restart a healthy life. I feel you pain, and its pain that i would never wish on my worst enemy, and I am so sorry. I had a addict for a father, watching people slowly kill themselves is horrible, i pray that you brother goes through Detox only once, and can stay away from the awfulness that is addiction. I am very glad that he is getting help, i lost a great friend to the horrors that is heroin, its awful to think about and his parents and siblings have never been the same. You all are in my thoughts, i hope that you all will have the strength that you need in this time.
I can’t really add anything else to what people have already said other than I’ll be thinking about you and your family. My heart goes out to you all. I’m glad that he is in rehab (even though it’s hard as hell to go through) and also thankful that you realize your own need for assistance through this.
Twitter: jamieleekeck
/ May 20 2010
i’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts. i don’t know what else to say other than that. take care of yourself.
Oh, that must be hard. I’m sorry to hear it, and sorry that it is haunting your thoughts. It will get better, because it has to, and that’s all we can hope for. Thanks for sharing with us, that was bold. Hang in there.
.-= H to the Izzo´s last blog ..Ghostbusters improv =-.
I wish I had words of wisdom or experience. I wish I had exactly the right words of comfort. I wish I had words of magic. I wish I had anything at all substantive to offer you, to help you, to make it better.
All I have is a lump in my throat, and a heart full of feelings… and so, so many hopes for you, and your brother, and your family.
Twitter: havinganemesis
/ May 20 2010
My brother is now sober (almost a full year) after many years of battling drugs and alcohol. It is war and it is take no prisoners, and friends and family become the troops to his General. Sometimes he would wind up fighting for the other side, and it hurt.
It still does.
The phone calls, the long phone calls full of crying and shouting, those ones still break my heart. I would answer and he would yell at me for various slights and transgressions. He wouldn’t let up until I was crying. Then he would beg me to help him while he poured out his heart through the tears. To take away the pain and help make sense of his world. Then he would start yelling again.
The only thing that kept me sane through it all was the knowledge that whatever he hurt me with wasn’t even remotely as much as the anguish he was putting himself through. And if he was willing to put himself through his demons to get clean, there was absolutely nothing he could throw at me that I couldn’t, that I wouldn’t, endure.
I’m so fucking proud of him. He has no idea how much. The truth is…he was the strongest. He made the choice to get clean. He put himself through that to be a better person, because he knew that he needed help. He could have not bothered. He could have let it best him. But he fucking survived and is continually proving how amazing he is. How strong he is.
Pardon me. I need to call my brother.
Hugs, girl.
Sending positive energy your way. Because…holy shit, you need it.
Twitter: laurenacarlton
/ May 20 2010
All I can say is
Holy shit.
I hope that your brother gets clean. Drugs are bullshit.
Twitter: x_rook_x
/ May 21 2010
I wish I could offer you something better than “I hope he’ll be okay.” But I can’t.
I guess I can say that I kind of relate to having that complete feeling of hopelessness, though
Last year in February, sitting among boxes in my parents living room. I was getting ready to make a not-so-long trek down to the apartment that my boyfriend and I had just signed a lease for. I was ticking off items on a list when the phone rang – This is not unusual. I picked up the phone and I couldn’t believe what I heard. A sound of urgency in the voice of an older cousin.
My cousin – her nephew – had been arrested.
My cousin Stephen was seventeen at the time. A scrawny little boy who was notorious for on and off drug use – mostly marijuana. I figured that the charge was for marijuana. At worst cocaine, which he’d admitted to experimenting with. Detox centers for marijuana are nothing. So I breathed out a sigh. When she finished her sentence the words sounded… as you said. Nonsensical.
“… For murder.”
I mumbled out something about passing along the information to my parents, who were out visiting a friend. I called them and told them to come home as soon as possible, that there was a family emergency.
It was so weird to repeat the information that was provided to me in a twenty five second long phone call. And as soon as the words escaped my lips, both my parents fired off rapid questions, to which I had no answer. My dad rushed off to the police station.
That was a year ago. Two weeks ago, he got sentenced to life in prison – murder two, charged as an accessory to the kid who had actually done it.
And now I have to watch part of my family try to cope with this information and sense of helplessness. And I know that eventually we will grow to accept it, even if only just… But to watch his mother sink deeper into depression, watching her baby boy get hauled out of the court room in cuffs and shackles…
I imagine its the same feeling you got when you heard your brother screaming out for help. Complete helplessness and heartbreak.
But you do have the chance to help him by just being there. And you owe it to yourself to get help if you need it.
And trust me, you will.
I’ll pray for you guys and send you all my well-wishings. And remember that this really will be a team effort.
Please take care,
Rook
.-= Rook´s last blog ..NSFW: Way to Suck That Dick! It’s a blog =-.
Twitter: zoerights
/ May 21 2010
I keep thinking of what to say and nothing sounds right. Nothing will take away the shock or hurt or horror.
All I can say is I am so sorry- for you and your brother. So, very very sorry.
.-= Zoe Right´s last blog ..A Break from our Normal Entertainment =-.
Twitter: Kernut
/ May 21 2010
My heart goes out to you… I’ve been there, too. With a friend, and very recently. Unlike your brother, he’s not in rehab and isn’t ready to be honest with himself or others. Al-Anon is a great program for folks like us. The people are warm and welcoming, and have great advice. Feel free to email me anytime.
.-= Kernut´s last blog ..Sexual Confidence – Scary or Intriguing? =-.
Twitter: jenlemen
/ May 21 2010
ayiyiyiyi!!!
this is so horribly hard.
i’m really, really sorry. the whole thing just blows.
.-= jen lemen´s last blog ..Connecting With Your Tween =-.
Oh, I can only imagine the pain, confusion, anger, guilt, motherly instincts you are feeling. One of my younger sisters has had multiple suicide attempts, and while these hurdles are sort of apples and oranges, they are still hurdles. It is so hard. Absolutely, get some help, a therapist, to help you observe and make sense of all these feelings. You and your brother are in all of our thoughts.
.-= The Sweetest´s last blog ..Poppy Seed Muffins =-.
when they successfully come out the other side it is amazing.
.-= linlah´s last blog ..When you know you’re not the smartest guy in the room =-.
Wicked Shawn –
Glad you came over. I’ll take your sisterhood, anytime. Also, thanks for not yelling “FIRST!”
Alex -
Thanks for your real life support. I’m glad we’re friends.
toywithme -
Thank you. I’m sorry you had to go through this, as well. Addiction seems to touch nearly everyone at one time or another.
Dawn -
This is definitely The Dismantling. I trust that healing is on its way. Thank you.
pattypunker -
Oh, man, I KNEW we were sisters. Thank you for sharing your story and for understanding that love is painful, sometimes. I’m sending some hugs your way.
Violet -
How lucky am I to have found so many supportive people? Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I am worried about his soul, but will do as much I can to care for him while he heals. Or at least hold an umbrella over his guts while they are exposed.
Chris -
Should we invent that? NSFM (Not Safe For Mascara)? I think you just did. Thank you for being so nice. Love is a powerful force.
Jenny -
I knew you would get this, being that you are so far from your fam. Thanks for understanding, friend.
Ivan -
“You can only love him enough to let him do this himself.” You and your powerful words. I’ve read them several times. Thank you.
Michelle -
Sorry you had to go through this, too. It’s still at the front of my mind/heart. I hope that, in time, it moves to the background. Thank you for being so nice. Sending hugs to you for a little bit of healing, too.
Tara -
Thanks, friend. Here’s hoping.
Ells -
Thank you for reading my post and for your good wishes. I’m lucky to have found so much cybersupport!
Megan -
Family is a pain in the ass, but we’re lucky to have them. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. Now go make a phone call.
Holly B -
I am going to check out al-anon and see what’s up with that. Thank you for the good thoughts and prayers.
scott -
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m glad to know you. Hugs right back.
Ambry -
Ouch. I hope that your baby bro is fully recovered. Thank you for the sweet comment.
onimonster -
Thank you for the love and prayers. I will take both.
marinka -
Thank you for taking time to read and comment. I’m so glad we are internet friends. See you in Aug.
Kellie -
Thank you for your prayer. I’m sorry you have had to go through this. Going to head over to your blog to get more of your story.
Jessica -
I love that you always take time to comment on my posts. Thank you. And thank you for the good thoughts.
Lauren -
Yep, fully aware I can’t figure this out by myself. Thank you for your kind thoughts and for being a frequent commenter. I am lucky to have my own little support network.
Jamie Lee -
Thanks for coming by and taking the time to leave kind words in the comment box!
H to the I -
Thank you for leaving a smile. I’m glad we’re friends.
Lari -
Thank you for the nice words. Sorry about the lump.
Angel -
Oooh, this is so good, smart, and helpful. Thank you a lot for sharing. Love to you and your bro.
Kristin and Boy Bean -
Thank you for the good jujus. I’m happy to know you.
Lauren -
SO MUCH BULLSHIT. Thank you for the nice thoughts.
Rook -
I’m so sorry for your sadness but am grateful that you shared with me. Nothing will ever make either one of us forget our phone calls but it’s good to have company. Thank you.
Also, through Jenny, I checked out THAT website. And looked at EVERY SINGLE POST. Something is wrong with me. Did you see the cactus? Heh.
Zoe -
Thank you. Sometimes “sorry” is the best thing to say. It is, here.
Kernut -
Al-Anon seems to be a good idea for me. Even though I am nervous, I’m going to try it. I’m sorry you had to go through this. Sending love your way.
jen lemen -
Hi, sister. Thanks for the comment and good thoughts. I’m glad we’re friends. xo
The Sweetest -
I’m sorry about your sister. We had some of that in our fam, too. Live is so so hard. Thank you for the good thoughts.
linlah -
I can’t wait for that. Thank you for the sweet comment.
I am sorry you are having to go through this ordeal and even sorrier for your brother, however, one should remember that we are responsible for our own actions and it only ourselves who are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. Do not let other lay a feeling of quilt on you for what they have done. This is NOT YOUR FAULT….
Peace and strength to you and your bro on your continuing journeys…
Twitter: Richmondmom
/ May 24 2010
My heart goes out to you. I have dealt with drug abuse in my own family–not quite at this level–but serious stuff, and I recognize those tears.
Please stay strong, for your brother and yourself, and if you need some help, be super-strong enough to seek it out. xoxo–Kate
Twitter: uvaleg
/ May 25 2010
I got behind on reading your blogs after pushing out a kid a month ago. Today I caught up, and I just wanted to say that firstly, I hope you’re doing okay… the news of your brother’s addiction has to be devastating. Secondly, thank you for sharing with such rawness and honesty. This is exactly the type of “mommy blog” I need.
Twitter: homesliceva
/ May 27 2010
sorry for the late post but wanted you to know i am thinking of you.
lydia -
and I haven’t even congratulated you, though I DID peep your pic on twitter. congrats! thank you for the note. healing from this is WAY more complicated that I thought it would be. it’ll come. go kiss your baby. xo
Kate Hall -
hi, sister. thank you for the support. I hope to see you soon.
charbatkin -
oh, hi, TCG friend! thank you for your wish. xo
Gil in Mechanicsville -
I’m so happy to see you! thank you for the note. working through the old shit this has brought up is like trying to find a sliver of fiberglass in your finger. you can feel it, and damn is it uncomfortable, but it’s gonna take some time to locate and extract it.
Since I just came here today, I’m reading old posts and finding out more about you and your life. This is a pisser. I hope by now you are both getting stronger and that you share an update at the appropriate time. We’ll all be eager to hear how it’s going for both of you. Take care of each other.
physicsmom -
I’m so glad you found me. Thank you for reading and for the well wishes. xo