Dr. Feelbad
They stood over me, the two of them. He poked at my sides as I lay* there, wearing only a gown that opened in the back, my bra, some panties, and a pair of old Converse that I had neglected to take off. I still felt like myself as long as I was wearing my sneakers.
“She’s really big,” he said to her, “Bigger than I thought. We’re going to have to adjust for that.”
She nodded as tears welled up in the corners of my eyes.
“I’m right here, you know,” I said, trying for indignation but managing little more than a whimper, “I can hear you.”
I was at an urgent care clinic, on a cold, hard table, having x-rays taken for an injury I had sustained at work. I was hurting as they contorted my body into positions that would have been uncomfortable, had I been in the best of health. Then, he said it. “She’s really big.”
“We see you,” he said in response to my meager protest, as they both moved to stand behind the wall that protects their genitals from radiation. I was lying on my back, legs straight, arms spread out, like a modern day fat Jesus. I was shot through with whatever kind of unicorn on treadmill-driven magic takes pictures of your guts and pronounced “sprained, but not broken”.
But they were wrong. I WAS broken. Broken because I had gone in to the doctor unexpectedly, wearing an old, faded bra with shot elastic and worn out straps and granny panties fit only for heavy flow days and actual visits to my granny. I was insecure, scared, and hurting. I was helped up onto a scale where I was pronounced (more like “announced”) to be 5 foot 6 and 223 pounds. Honestly, I didn’t feel bad about my stats. I know my body size and am usually cool with it. What I DID feel bad about was an old man, quite a few pounds heavier than I was, it appeared, poking his icy hands into my sidechub and judging my sprained but not broken body as his young, beautiful assistant nodded.
I felt sad. Really sad. Then I felt mad. Really mad. Then I remembered that I am totally fucking awesome. I am a good mother, first rate friend, writer of funny shit, and dead sexy bitch who can rock a work uniform, a bathrobe, a formal dress, or a hospital gown that is open in the back, revealing a five year old bra and some jank ass granny panties and he is lucky as hell to have gotten to poke my delicious muffin top which he was probably only being shitty about because he wanted to butter it and take a bite but he can’t because, well, you know… radiation. That’s right, bro: sprained, but not broken. Don’t you forget it.
*The edit from “lie” to “lay” (my first instinct, by the way) provided by the lovely and not at all weird Siren of Siren Song. Go give her some love and know that she is the most gentle grammar dominatrix, ever. Thanks, Siren!
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Jul 15 2010
damn him – i want to butter your muffin. you are totally fucking awesome!
Twitter: maggistitches
/ Jul 15 2010
You ARE totally fucking awesome! Male doctors almost always disappoint. I hope you feel good ASAP! XXO
wait, it’s not the norm to have bras that are *less* than five years old?
doctors are judgy. underneath those long white lab coats of pretentiousness, they are just like you. only not as cool.
Twitter: L8enough
/ Jul 15 2010
That doctor? One of the reasons I left medicine.
And he totally wanted to butter your muffin.
Yeah, that guy? I hope he gets fleas. In his pubic area.
FUCK YEAH. you rock and don’t you forget it. i had one nurse in particular during my pregnancy that somehow could just *look* at me and make me feel like crap. she was a gashface thunder cunt.
…yeah, i just took that there.
Twitter: smellykellie
/ Jul 15 2010
You are fuck-awesome!
There seem to be MANY Dr .Jackasses in the world. I agree with the others – Karma hurts those who hurt others. (That was way deeper than I meant it to be) Glad you are okay! What would we do if they kept you and you were laying there without wi-fi all day and we were here wondering where you were. Disasterous!
(and Michaela, i read that as “public area” and it was kind of better that way. public areas give me the giggles.)
Old bras and granny panties are the new black.
(Yeeeah, that’s all I got. I’m too busy being furious at that doctor to come up with anything else. He’s not worth even a single piece of your bra’s shot elastic. Can you hear my teeth grinding?)
Twitter: LittleRebecca
/ Jul 15 2010
See, your mom was right: you should always wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident! It’s weird how people who mean nothing to us can make us feel like shit. Fuck him and move on.
Fuck yeah he wanted to butter your muffin. He’s just jealous!
1. He can suck it
and
2. I got in car accident. Badly bruised hip-x-rays required-NO UNDERWEAR ON AT ALL!!!!!!!!! Cool bright blue bike shorts on, tho-it was 1989
Twitter: katekastelein
/ Jul 15 2010
I think he wanted to take your temperature AND butter your muffin…..The last time I went to the ER I was wearing a pair of hubby’s Fruit of The Looms. They’re my version of granny panties. Luckily I was just there for strep throat and the only time the doctor saw them was when he was listening to my breathing, and I didn’t have to see his expression.
Twitter: katekastelein
/ Jul 15 2010
Oh and, you’re fucking awesome.
Twitter: thepsychobabble
/ Jul 15 2010
1)He is an ass and 2)he is an UNPROFESSIONAL ASS.
Whether or not he’s an ass on his own time, is his own issue, I guess. But whilst on the clock? Um, no. He NEEDS to be held accountable for that.
It’s surprisingly easy, at most places, to lodge a complaint.
Not that I would expect a whole lot from just your complaint, but if enough people speak up, then perhaps Sir Ass-y-ness will have his comeuppance come up and smack him in the face.
~ahem~ I’m going to go practice counting from 100 backwards now;)
What a total asshole! You are awesome and he obviously has problems.
Twitter: hessleman
/ Jul 15 2010
That you are all those things and know it (!) is wonderful!! He can go fuck himself…’cause no one else will! Carry on! You’re the best!
Twitter: hessleman
/ Jul 15 2010
Oh! And was this recently? Are you okay?
Twitter: bcomingnoahsmom
/ Jul 15 2010
LOL. I LOVE this article!! I have been following you on twitter for sometime now, but this is the first time I have actually checked out your blog and I think that I am addicted!! LOL. Great job on this blog and on this article! Tweet at me sometime and I also have a blog about the ups and downs of motherhood
however I have serious doubts that my blog could beat the content that you have on here! Nice work! And yea, that guy sounds like an asswhole, and he was just jealous, I’m sure of it!
*Tanya*
http://www.bcomingnoahsmom.wordpress.com
Boy! You really know how to get sympathy… and from lots of folks, too.
I hope whatever is sprained, not broken has improved.
Ah yes, the old Urgent Care Facility, where I was told by a guy at least 3x as overweight as I was that I needed to lose weight.
I thank my walking-upright god that I wasn’t there for the crabs.
Twitter: MFA_Mama
/ Jul 15 2010
Oh, fuck him. You have the most abysmal luck with those urgent care places…sometimes they’re great and other times they suck hard. I described you today as smelling like “cupcakes and laughter” and sighed over you with someone who wants me to hump your leg at BlogHer so fuck Dr. Feelbad; probably nobody alive wants to hump his leg, even by proxy. BOO, ‘kay?
Twitter: divacowgirl
/ Jul 16 2010
I’m so sorry that happened to you . I work for doctors and sometimes, they just forget that patients are people too. It’s not an excuse at all because what happened to you was totally wrong.
Twitter: Beccas4
/ Jul 16 2010
I could totally put him on the floor for you, I have mad defensive tactics skills, yo!!
What a dick! Hey, you fatter than me fuck…piss off and attempt to have some sort of bedside manner better than a knuckle-dragging neantherdal!
Like us chubs need ANY more reasons to feel bad about ourselves, fucker…
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ Jul 16 2010
Fractured, not fucked
That’s my girl!
x
Jealous people are so super pathetic. He probably wishes he was a woman with boobs like yours.
Twitter: BettyFokker
/ Jul 16 2010
He can totally suck your metaphorical dick!!
Maybe he was jealous for want to wear your granny panties, you never know.
God, I hated those kids of doctors- they treat nurses and patients alike- like they are invisible. Wishing you the fastest healing!
I bow to you. I’m going to commit this to memory and recite it the next time some ass-wipe makes me feel less than, because my dress size is higher than 20.
jen -
Well, that automatically puts you on Team FuckYeah! Welcome, sister. Did you bring snacks?
The Sweetest -
Feeling much better than I was. Your name is quite accurate. Thank you for the kindness.
I stumbled onto your blog, this is my first time here. I love it.
linlah -
He was SO jealous of my granny panties. They are blue and clean but stained. I am bad at periods, you know.
Betty Fokker -
I LOVE having my metaphorical dick sucked!
Sara -
How did you know my boobs are magnif? Oh, so you got the email I sent you?
Jenny Talia -
Ain’t nothin’ gonna break-a my stride, mama!
ctall -
Pssst… not. even. a. real. doctor. Welcome to Team FuckYeah.
Becca -
Any girl who offers to kick ass on my behalf gets five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact. You’re welcome.
divacowgirl -
It’s cool. Doctors is people, too. Just don’t poke WHILE insulting, you know?
MFA Mama –
Is that really what I smell like? Remember when answering that you are under oath and also that I changed my name to Pitstain Boobsweat VonCoochstank today. It’s the heat, I swear.
Hugh Jarse -
Thank god twice, the crabs add at least ten pounds.
Ivan Toblog -
It must be improving, I am singing Snoop Dogg as we speak (type). Did I mention I am on muscle relaxers? Haha.
Tanya -
Well, thank you for making the leap!
Cincy -
Well, hi friend! I am mending. THANK GOD it happened at work. Ten x’s and o’s for you.
Alison Kay -
Hey sister. Thanks for the loooooooove! Happy Summer.
thepsychobabble -
SIr Ass-y-ness would make the best rap name. Stealing it.
Mommyk8 -
Funny that I was just tweeting about doctor porn and then hurt myself. Or is it? My subconscious is so fucked up. Fruit of the Loom is the new Victoria’s Secret.
LibraryGirl62 -
Gah! Why can’t bike shorts come back? Like a legging, but for summer! Pretty sure I am losing readers right now…
Natalie -
Welcome to Team FuckYeah, baby! Check your Listerine at the door cuz we don’t allow no clean mouths!
Rebecca Little -
Oh, hi, Rebecca Little. I like that I get to know both your first and last name in case I want to, I don’t know, call your mother about your use of the word “fuck” on the internet. Pawing through your site like a bear in a beehive. LOVE your photography. Now, love you. Welcome to Team FuckYeah!
Lari -
All you got is more than enough for me, friend. Don’t gnash your pearlies, we are bigger than this. xo
the grumbles -
Hi, grumbleypoo. “Gashface thunder cunt” makes me feel all naughty in my no-no. Go Team FuckYeah!
Kellie -
Disaster averted! Wait, I just realized that you are @smellykellie! Hi. Feel free to move on without me, apparently I’m slow. You’re awesome back!
Michaela -
And has to put one of those fake circus tents his penis while he fumigates his crotch. Wait. What?
Alex@LateEnough -
Are you sure you weren’t asked to leave because you insisted on rectal temperatures for everyone just to see their reactions? I would.
kp -
You know who else is just like us but not as cool? Everyone.
Maggi -
Thanks, mama. I feel semi-gooder already. It’s been a million years, let’s get the ladies together.
pattypunker -
Make sure to use real butter because that low cal shit don’t spread good. And we know a good spread makes all the difference.
Kate -
Thank you. Welcome to Team FuckYeah!
Ha, I just saw the edit you added to the bottom of your post. It made me laugh with a real sound. Or maybe that was the crack of the whip.
I already said this to you but I’d like to say it here, too: I think you’re an awesome writer. You have a wonderful gift of being able to talk about painful and complicated things in a way that engages, rather than alienates, your reader. I found this post to be very moving and thought-provoking.
Rock on, and thanks for the mention.
Twitter: LauraQofU
/ Jul 17 2010
I’ve spent my whole life hating my body, and only recently decided that hating the vessel that created my daughter, that comforts my nieces and nephews, that laughs and loves and makes a difference in my universe is just lame-ass fucking stupid and I’m not going to do it anymore.
You rock!
Twitter: bollbach
/ Jul 18 2010
Did this happen recently or are you just now writing up the story of a similar incident you mentioned on twitter late last year? Because if this happened twice at the same chain of urgent care clinics, I wonder if you can call the state board about it.
Great expressive writing about a sad event that should never have happened. And if it’s recent, hope you’re recovering well.
Twitter: undineocean
/ Jul 19 2010
I absolutely LOVE you. In an awesomesauce kind of way. Because you know what? You are fucking amazing. Instead of letting that crusty old idiot and his dumb assistant make you feel bad, you were like, eff off. I am made of freaking amazing. And you are.
I am going to channel you every time something shitty happens to me, and lately, thats every damn day, but I am going to follow your lead.
Anonymous Witch -
I don’t think I’ve ever been called awesomesauce. When I hear that word, I can only think of manjizz. Don’t you think that was the original awesomesauce? If so, thanks for the compliment. I think I’ve gone sideways somewhere.
Rock on with your gorgeous self. Welcome to Team FuckYeah!
Melissa -
Hi friend. Nope, that was when I hurt my arm and the old woman poked my belly with her bony finger. Same facility because worker’s comp only pays for doc in the box.
I hope to see you soon.
Laura -
Fuck Yeah, Revolution! Own every wonderful bit of you!
Siren -
Making me look smart is a big yes in my book. Thank you so much for the compliment, it’s my favorite and I’ve already told several people about it. Not kidding.
Twitter: bollbach
/ Jul 19 2010
I’m glad you’re better than these doctors, but if I were you I’d lodge a complaint to help all the people who can’t come out stronger after being treated like less than a person. But I’m so glad you’re better than these doctors. And yes, let’s find a low key event to meet up at so we can catch up.
Also, what Siren said.
Twitter: mommakiss
/ Jul 20 2010
Love this. Really love it. Especially the jank ass granny panties. Hot damn.
mommakiss -
We all have the jank ass granny panties, we are just usually not all showing them to the world. Maybe we should make it the new hot. Like homeless chic.
Everything Siren said and then some. Dr. FeelBad is an asshat. Too bad about that Workers’ comp requirement of using the same facility. It’s definitely worth the time to complain since the chances are that you’ll end up there again sometime. Plus, besides your own lovely self, what if your daughter went there and was treated that way? NOBODY should be subjected to such ridicule. Go get ‘em girlfriend!
Twitter: subwow
/ Jul 23 2010
I am sorry you got a sprain. Have you recovered from it yet? {{{{hugs}}}}
Yes, you are NOT broken. You are strong and beautiful, and don’t you let anybody forget THAT. Fucking male pig. And what’s the problem with the female assistant? You’d think she’d protest to show some solidarity. Fucking bitch.