Dear Hollywood: Nobody Wants To Hear What Winona Ryder Was Thinking While Filming “Mermaids”. We All Know It Was “I Wonder What Time Saks Closes Cuz I Need Cashmere Socks And I’m TOTALLY NOT GONNA PAY FOR THEM.”
I’m fully convinced that the kids and I should be paid to do the dvd extras for movies. Snappy commentary is our specialty. Latest case in point, the amazing new Discovery mini-series, Life (the follow-up to Planet Earth, narrated by the one and only Oprah Winfrey).
Scene where fox is chasing baby antelope-thingy up a steep mountainside. Eventual goal…DINNER.
Her, yelling at screen: SWIPER, NO SWIPING!
Scene where a lone seal, who wasn’t paying attention, got caught in the water with a pod of orcas, while his friends and family have calmly jumped up on an ice floe; thereby proving the theory that survival is not about being the fastest, just about not being the slowest.
Him: Oh, I hope that seal is not wearing a ponytail!
Scene where a younger male hippo, in an attempt to prove the size of his manhood, decided to challenge what Oprah called the “Hippo Overlord” for the title of alpha male.
Her: He can’t win! What happens if he just submits to the Hippo Overlord?
Him: He’s labeled a “hippo gay”.
Scene where a mother octopus crawls into a den and lays her eggs, then cares for them until she dies of starvation. Oprah calls it “the ultimate sacrifice” but she’s never had post-breastfeeding funbags.
Her: Happy Birthday, kids! I died! Try not to let this be your first memory, okay?
Scene where monkeys are shown using big rocks to crack open nuts. Cut to one monkey, who is tapping his fingers and trying to figure out how to open one particularly tough nut. Sadly, he looks twice as intelligent as most of my coworkers.
Her: Did you see that? He. Was. Thinking! HE’S IN MY UNCANNY VALLEY! HE’S IN MY UNCANNY VALLEY!!
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: Soulprncs3
/ Mar 22 2010
“Happy Birthday, kids! I died! Try not to let this be your first memory, okay?”
That was my favorite. I know we all say we would died for our kids, but if we knew it upfront would the human race die out?
.-= SoMo´s last blog ..No Membership Required =-.
I am not lying when I tell you I was watching this show just this afternoon and when the monkey part went down, the hubs and I were all, “that monkey totally looks smarter than most of the people we know” *and* “it’s freaky the way you can see him figuring this whole thing out.” Then I had to go get a drink because, geez, that was awesome and disturbing all at the same time. Uncanny valley, indeed.
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Mar 23 2010
bwahahaha – winona! winona! winona! what a wanton girl. thanks for resurrecting her.
Twitter: bollbach
/ Mar 23 2010
These are the smartest and funniest high school kids I have ever had the pleasure of reading quotes from.
I can’t pick a favorite. I love them all. And now I will attempt to use “Uncanny Valley” in a sentence today…maybe more than one sentence.
It worked for the Mystery Science Theater guys… go for it!
Twitter: MFAMama
/ Mar 24 2010
Is it wrong that sometimes my KIDS do something really uh…humanoid…and I have the same reaction? Like “OMG JUST LIKE A PERSON DID YOU SEE THAT IT WAS CAH-REEPY!”
I’m going to hell.
Twitter: hessleman
/ Mar 24 2010
Thanks for the link because I had no idea what she was referencing. Your kids are smart.
Cincy – TOO smart. they shall be my ruin!
Twitter: subWOW
/ Apr 3 2010
Wow, no shit. Your kids are SMART! I too have to thank you for this new piece of information. Very intriguing and useful, and I have to say I agree with the hypothesis. I believe that it also applies to any outsider trying to “pass” in any society that s/he does not belong to (or NOT supposed to). Very very interesting.
.-= subWOW´s last blog ..Hope springs eternal =-.