Dancing With Myself
You can only know me for ten minutes before I mention my period, and an hour before I broach masturbation. I can’t judge your FQ (Friendship Quotient) properly without seeing your face when I say “I ruined my favorite pants accidentally reenacting the prom scene from Carrie today” or “Last night I spent so much time watching threesome porn online that I think my keyboard might be pregnant!”
That’s why when I tweeted about masturbation (both here and here) to the sound of absolute crickets, I was confused. I follow some kick ass chicks on twitter, was it really possible that none of them wanted to talk about buttering the muffin?
Anyway, the whole thing really got me thinking about moms and solo sex. I mean, we are obviously sexual creatures, right? Somewhere along the way, each mom decided to get down with the get down and then, nine or so months later, got so far down that a baby popped out. Yet, it seems taboo to talk about motherhood and sexuality together. Especially the kind of sexuality that requires batteries and lube. Well, goodness knows, I am shit with taboos so, here it is…. I masturbate.
The first time I pleasured myself, it happened completely subconsciously. I was eleven years old and babysitting my four younger children while their parents went out for the night. After I put the kids to bed, I was flipping through the channels when, suddenly, BOOBS! I had stumbled upon what I thought was hardcore pornography (what did I know?) but was probably closer to softcore Skinemax. No naked bottoms but plenty of breasts and humping motions. Somehow, sort of automatically, my hand found my way down to my girlyparts and my fate was sealed.
After that, I was a regular Jack Off Jill. Mostly in the shower (multitasking before the term even existed!), sometimes in bed. I never felt weird or ashamed, I assumed that everybody was doing it and just not talking about it. Like pooping. I slept better and was generally happier. As far as I was concerned, masturbation was like vitamins without the smelly pee.
I feel the same way about she bopping now. I really don’t see what the big deal is. Nearly everyone does it at least occasionally and the ones who abstain don’t strike me as morally superior (how in the world is masturbation a moral issue? why does Jesus care if I rock my own casbah?), so much as unfortunate.
So why, then, aren’t moms talking about romancing our own stones? Think of the sexual revolution that could be initiated if we went to playgroups and recommended our favorite pornos and vibrators to each other. If I can bare my breast and feed my child in front of you, I can sure as heck discuss where to find the best free dirty movies on the internet and the advantages of batteries vs electricity.
So, if we happen to meet on the street someday, or our kids end up in the same class, or, god forbid, you are stuck sitting next to me at some gathering of internet personalities, know that odds are you are going to hear about my vagina and its amazing adventures. It’s just my way of giving you the thumbs-up and inviting you to let go, let god, and, for Sprinkle’s sake, talk about it.
HeatherVonsj@gmail.com
Twitter: homesliceva
/ Apr 12 2010
oh, i think you and i have had many the convo about ye old happy fingers, no? i have the world’s best vibrator now. since i am getting divorced, i’ve decided that the next time i marry, it will be to my vibrator. it is THAT good. i’m all for masturbation. fuck yeah masturbation! okay, i’m a little too excited about this subject. goodnight.
Twitter: CorrinRenee
/ Apr 12 2010
masturbation was like vitamins without the smelly pee.
hear hear!
Twitter: toywithme
/ Apr 12 2010
Love to met up some day and swap vag stories
.-= toywithme´s last blog ..One Dildo, Two Fists, and a Night at the Bar =-.
Where did you learn so many euphamisms for masturbation?
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Another Kind Of Birthday =-.
Twitter: Kekibird
/ Apr 12 2010
Yeah…odd. I remember those conversations regularly in college (along with a few other first time experiences in college between friends). It seems that they don’t happen once baby comes. Why gives? Is talk of self-pleasuring your own va-jay-jay off limits once it’s been breeched by the head of a rather potato looking baby? Interesting….
.-= Katie @ Why Bother?´s last blog ..I Have Hope =-.
Twitter: heathermariephilippgmail.com
/ Apr 12 2010
Nice. I gave a couple vibrator recommendations to a mommy friend of mine the other month and she’s diggin’ her new toy from Babeland. I, however, am the mother to only Olive the cat, my songs, and neurotic tendencies. DIG. YOUR. BLOG. Mamma bear.
xo Heather
I’ll talk about your vagina if you don’t mind hearing about my hysterectomy and the consequences of that. (Which would definitely come up because dude, my casbah is no longer interested in rocking, and the amount of lube needed post-menopause is just….pathetic.)
.-= Daffodil Campbell´s last blog ..Dusting off that resume =-.
Twitter: nicholkola
/ Apr 12 2010
“why does Jesus care if I rock my own casbah?” I love you and what goes through your mind.
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Apr 13 2010
buttering the muffin, jack off jill, rock my own casbah, she bopping, romancing my stone: LOVE IT!
i so wish you had been in my daughter’s play group! i had such a hard time conversing with the other moms or even caring about what they were talking about. if you had been there it would have been all high fives, ass slaps and side-splitting hilarity.
Twitter: WxDan
/ Apr 13 2010
So I have to know – did you enter into some sort of bet to see how many euphemisms for female masturbation you could work into one blog post?
.-= Dan´s last blog ..Welcome to MARTIN’S =-.
Twitter: Bellalarrew
/ Apr 13 2010
This is, Amazing. I love that you are so open, it rocks, I grew up in a home where open was not a word, now i am open with people, I share more than i should at times, its not my fault if someone else doesnt like it, its a normal part of being a human! i teach my son to be open as well. A few weeks ago, i walked in to the living room to find my son with his hands down his pants, Hes 8, i took him in the bath room and asked him what he was doing. He was shy at first, but then i told him, its okay, exploring your body is normal, then he said, well i was poking my noodle, and i had to stop my self from laughing, then i asked why, and he said, well idonknow, its squishy. Its Squishy.. hahahah awesome. But he now knows that he can talk about things like this if he needs to and he knows its okay. I know this story isnt about moms talking about masturbation, but its about the open aspect of your post. Thanks for being you!
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..Life =-.
Twitter: jennytalia2009
/ Apr 13 2010
Any chick who says she doesn’t play the odd game of “finding nemo” is either lying or Mormon
Maybe even both
JT
x
My ex and I used to joke that if I only had a vibrator and a jar opener, I wouldn’t need him at all. Apparently he was right, although I haven’t needed the jar opener either. For my first post-separation birthday, he, thinking he was being funny, bought me the best vibrator I have ever owned. I swear I called him up periodically for a year after that to thank him again (and ask him why it took getting divorced for him to get me such kick ass gifts).
I agree about talking about masturbation. Hell, about sex in general. Something so core to who we are shouldn’t be so difficult to talk about. I figure me being open about liking sex and rocking my casbah (phrase of the day!) is my small contribution to a healthier world. With you and all these other commenters doing it too, just imagine the relaxed, satisfied, glowy world we could live in!
My favorite blogs are the ones where the authors make up new words or I learn new euphemisms for masturbation before breakfast. Now that I’m thinking about it, I have developed a theory that just about *anything*, when said with the right inflection and a meaningfully raised eybrow can be a euphemism for masturbation. Perhaps I’ll test that out today…perhaps I’ll start with the librarian at the kids’ school where I’m volunteering this morning
.-= Melanie´s last blog ..It’s My Middle Name =-.
bring on the sexy talk! all of it…i’m way in!
Twitter: madsbloggingmom
/ Apr 13 2010
Damn, and I was going to write about this tomorrow (and this morning’s little solo show!) But I can’t now b/c your post is way better than what I could have written.
If I had seen your tweets, I would have been all over them (and probably scandalized my hubs!)
Now I’m gonna go spread the word!
Twitter: kmhays
/ Apr 13 2010
“why does Jesus care if I rock my own casbah?” best phrase EVER! my phrase of the day i swear! I have to behave while i’m at work, but get me out of the office and i LOVE talking about sex and sexy things and… yummy!
.-= Rose´s last blog ..Justifyable Rant =-.
Twitter: maggistitches
/ Apr 13 2010
When I met a sex therapist whose workshop I wasn’t signed up for, I confessed with deep sadness that my vibrator had died. Just a little token sharing. Luckily, it turned out that the switch for the electrical outlet had been turned off, so I’m still buttering my muffin.
And here is a poem by Peggy Shumaker, entitled Clitoris:
Surely a man named it.
If a woman had chosen, we’d
have hawk tongue, pearl
of flame, olala berry,
suck nubbin, jujube,
tsunami.
.-= Maggi´s last blog ..This Year’s Sweater =-.
I think I’m the only one here without a blog.
The world would be a better place if everyone took a little time to run one out every day. It’s 10:30 and I have already twice today. I feel almost zen-like. I don’t understand people who pretend not to double click the mouse. And they have to be pretending, right?
I have 3 daughters. I hope that they are at ease with their own bodies and the pleasures that they can give to themselves.
No shame. No stigma. Just a damn good time.
Twitter: maggistitches
/ Apr 13 2010
Hey, the editor (and poet) in me needs to say that I’ve copied the poem from a bad source and that last comma on the penultimate line is NOT supposed to be there! Jujube tsunami! The volume, should you want more good poems, is called Wings Moist from the Other World and the amazon.com link is: http://www.amazon.com/Wings-Moist-Other-World-Poetry/dp/0822955180
.-= Maggi´s last blog ..This Year’s Sweater =-.
Masturbation stories are the BEST stories.
Twitter: Soulprncs3
/ Apr 13 2010
Let’s see why don’t I talk about it: I am Catholic. Jesus may not care, but if you have to confess to the old priest behind that dark screen…well, it is just better not to do it then having to confess that you never confessed about you know? See how confusing and guilt ridden it can get. Second, I am southern and I think it is written in our Southern Belle code somewhere. I think I misplaced my code under my petticoats to properly quote the passage. And third, I have been kicked out of enough playgroups for so much less that I think I would be hauled off for murder by masturbation story, if I even alluded to it.
.-= SoMo´s last blog ..Amatuer Doctors, They are all Around Us. =-.
Now THAT is a play date I would go to….cuz…
.-= vanessa´s last blog ..Some Cheese, Some Meat and a Teaser =-.
Twitter: mommakiss
/ Apr 13 2010
I am in love with you.
I know we just met (thanks to Mad’s Mom) but twue wuv.
A woman needs to rub one out once in a while. Or thrice in a while
“Last night I spent so much time watching threesome porn online that I think my keyboard might be pregnant!” That is the best line EVER!!!
Have you discovered Jane’s Guide? That is my best recommendation for porn site reviews.
Like SoMo, I am Southern, so I’m not sure if I’m allowed to do it. And if I am, I have certainly learned that I am absolutely no good at it. Is there a book you can buy? If it can be learned from a book, I can figure it out.
Twitter: Ketilave
/ Apr 13 2010
Dude I really am touched out. I would pay for someone to not rub my boobs.
Twitter: MFAMama
/ Apr 13 2010
OMFG why doesn’t Bloglines want me to read you here? WHY? I keep showing up late to the party, and not even because I was at the wrong Starbucks or too busy putting on a fingerpuppet show in my pants or any of my usual reasons!
You know there’s usually at least one sex toy in the BlogHer goody-bags, yes?
My husband is all “so you expect me to believe that YOU are going to go get liquored up, acquire a new sex toy, and sleep chastely next to someone who used to be in the adult entertainment industry? HAHAHAHAHA!”
I’m not having any lesbian sex at BlogHer now just to be SPITEFUL but you have to give me a hickey before we head home just to screw with him, deal?
great post! great euphemisms. hi, my name is claire and i’m a mom who loves to masturbate. and likes to talk about it.
.-= clairemontgomerymd´s last blog ..thank you baby buddha =-.
Twitter: wendyly
/ Apr 14 2010
Well, apparently I have totally the wrong friends or we don’t drink enough at playgroup. Also, my kids are too old for playgroup, but young enough to think that I buy batteries only for THEIR toys. Plus, my Catholic dad found my blog, which must remain masturbation free.
.-= wendy´s last blog ..I added to my hate list today =-.
Please join my playgroup.
.-= Carrie Meadows´s last blog ..Easter Bunnies Are Skeery… =-.
Twitter: smellykellie
/ Apr 16 2010
Excellent post! I’ve had similiar thoughts but am too chicken shit to put it out there. I’m the married 34 year old who is still worried my mom might find out. lol!!! Thanks for sharing!
I am really bummed that there is no female version of Brother from another mother… Sister from another mister? Yeah, doesn’t quite have the same flow. Anyway, my point? I also am a big fan of openly, and sometimes loudly, advocating anything to do with masturbation. Really anything to do with sex. Alone, with someone, doesn’t matter. I have been known on many occasion (in public even) to debate lube (BIG fan of Liquid Silk, even got a local “toy store” to carry it), vibrators – battery vs. electric – and yes, will pull out my collection to discuss the pros and cons. Many men are shocked to find out that not only do I have a BETTER list of free porn sites than they do, but also have my very own subscription to one (Burning Angel.com). I am never ashamed or embarrassed to get on my soap box about how important to my sanity the orgasm is.
I think it’s funny that most of the Suburbanite Moms NEVER discuss anything remotely having to do with sex, maybe that’s why Mrs. I-drive-an-Audi-and-my-husband-is-a-CEO is so bitter and obsessed with status, maybe they haven’t found the profound satisfaction of auto-erotica. Maybe if they double clicked their mouse every once and again they’d be a happier bunch… I know I am.