Daisy: It has an eat-in chicken. Susanna: I think you mean an eat-in kitchen. Daisy: That’s what I said, asshole.
“I have an eating disorder.”
It’s always the same. Every time I somehow find the courage to admit it to someone. It’s always the fucking same.
A look of confusion. Even slight disbelief. Maybe I’m putting them on? I mean, I do fancy myself somewhat of a comedian. I see a tiny smirk as if they spy the punchline, already, and are waiting, excitedly, for me to give them the nod to laugh.
Yes, I have an eating disorder AND I’M FAT.
For as long as I can remember, I have been obsessed with food. It has been my best friend, worst enemy, parent, and lover. It has made me feel both really good and really bad, sometimes within seconds of each other. What it hasn’t been, ever, is off my mind. At least, not for long. I mean, I DO sleep sometimes, but I also have vivid food dreams.
I don’t remember exactly when it started, but I’ve been an over eater most of my life. You know how you have that little voice in your head, or maybe tummy, that says “Ugh, we are FULL”? I don’t. Or maybe I do but I’ve learned to hum “Copacabana” over it so I don’t have to listen. Either way, if it’s in my house, I’ll eat it. To the point of sickness, sometimes.
But food and I also have an on-again, off-again relationship. We break up periodically and, when we do, it’s dramatic and terrible in its own way. At one point we had broken up so hard that I subsisted only on rice and water, like a voluntary POW. I’d still think about food to the point of infatuation, I just wouldn’t eat it. I’d prison diet for days, a week, even, but eventually break down and eat absolutely everything in the house to the point of vomiting. And vomiting. And vomiting. Then, back to prison. I did this for years, the hunger strike/binge/purge cycle.
Eventually, I grew tired of worrying about what I wasn’t going to eat all the damn time. I decided to go back to worrying about what I WAS going to eat. I got fat. Quickly. I ate everything in sight, telling myself that, if I got too big, I could always go back to being a rice queen.
Then food and I parted ways again, and I went on a medical fast. The screening for the program is fairly rigorous, but I lied to my doctor, pretending to be perfectly healthy, emotionally, and scammed him into approving me. It was a six month program through a local hospital where no solid food was consumed, only nutritional “shakes”. Shakes is in quotes because this shit was as close to being a shake as an earth worm to a french fry. I mean, yeah, you can fry ‘em but that don’t make ‘em french, you know? But I was good at this not eating thing, and sailed through like a pro. I’d still think about food nearly every waking moment, but I was smug about not eating it. A dick, even. I’d ridicule my friends for needing food to live, calling them, in a voice dripping with disdain, “eaters”. Six months and a day after beginning (and not having cheated even once), I was 75 lbs lighter and ready to start a new life. I celebrated by eating a whole roasted chicken. I was so sick that I should have gone to the hospital, but I couldn’t bear to explain exactly what was wrong with me to a doctor. So, I sweated, vomited, and shit it out alone, at home. I was thinking “So THIS is how I die” and it made perfect, poetic sense.
Now I’m back to my first love, compulsive eating, and have been for a few years. I’m fatter than I’ve ever been and sort of meh about the whole thing. I’ve always got anorexia/bulemia in my pocket, to talk me off a ledge about how fat I’ve gotten. My ace in the hole, as it were. But, I’m a mom with teens, which is a slippery slope when it comes to eating issues. Being the kids’ only parent necessitates my need for semi-normal behavior until their bedtime and then crazy, frenzied secret eating until I’m all tuckered out and ready for sleep.
I sometimes wish I could take all of the time I spend preoccupied with food and do something constructive. Find a cure. Solve a crisis. Write a book. Even now, while writing this, I’m thinking about a package of cookies sitting in the cupboard and telling myself that, if I just went ahead and ate it, I could finish what I’m writing, uninterrupted and clear-headed. And that’s probably exactly what will happen. Because I’ve seen this movie, and it always ends the same way.
Fuck. Yeah. I get pissed when my kids tell people I am anorexic because I’m really not. I just can’t eat because of my medicine. I don’t have the body image thing, or even the relationship issue with food. So yeah, this, your story, it is the reason why it pisses me off when the kids say that. And tomorrow morning before they leave for school, they are both going to sit down and read this. Fuck, I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom. I hate food and our bodies need for it. I hate so much about it these days! Different reasons, different obsession. I’m sorry.
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Big or Small, We All Have Something To Say About This One =-.
Twitter: Bellalarrew
/ Apr 29 2010
I am there with you, and it sucks. Im getting married in a year, and my biggest fear is that i will look like a giant bell in my wedding dress. I love food, its wonderful, and yet i sit here a 25 year old woman with one 8 year old child, lets face it its not fat from having a baby anymore, im 5’6 and weight 250. Im Fat, but Im also loved and have wonderful friends and family, who love me even though Im a Fat Girl. It does eat at me, all puns intended, but i try to look past it. I know that what im writing isnt insight full or full of answers but im writing to let you know, Your not alone at all, not even one little bit!
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..I Let My Inner Child Off its Leash =-.
Twitter: mummyblogger
/ Apr 29 2010
I know the ‘I’m full’ feeling, only too well, but seem to have an amazing ability to push on through in some kind of self-punishing way. “So you think you’re full do you?” my brain taunts me, “well eat another piece of cake and THEN see how you feel.”
Sometimes I wish we didn’t need food at all but then to be honest I can’t imagine my life without food. As a single work at home mum it pretty much structures and defines my day. Which I know isn’t great!
.-= Slummy Single Mummy´s last blog ..How do you talk to your children about death? =-.
Twitter: MFA_Mama
/ Apr 29 2010
Food issues. Ooof. Been there, done that, sucks.
For me what finally turned the tide was a LOT of therapy and a couple of serious health scares (not related to my disordered eating, exactly, although kinda: at twenty-two my cholesterol was 275 and at thirty I was officially insulin-resistant). Now I’m pretty good about food and at a healthy weight. I still think about being fat ALL THE TIME and how I know I could drop twenty pounds if–and that is where I put the brakes on that train of thought, because I’ve learned all too well that I need protein, carbohydrates, and even fat to be healthy. Still though, I think about the caloric content of EVERYTHING. That latte I drank at Starbucks? 225 even with Splenda instead of sugar. Sigh.
Thank you! Now we all don’t feel so alone. I think about food all the time….what I really want to eat, what I get to eat, what I shouldn’t have eaten, how many calories/fat my food has, how much food I get to eat since I ran 3 miles, etc – You get the point. And all I really want to do is STOP! But I can’t because I was cursed with a bad metabolism, a bad self image, and love of food. So I too am constantly fighting the compulsive eating disorder.
Twitter: pattypunker
/ Apr 29 2010
what a wretched prison. i’ve been locked in it before, too. first, never ever ever fucking diet. it only strengthens the obsession and denies your body what it needs.
second, eat regularly, don’t deny yourself. tell yourself i’m going to eat all three meals. have what you want, don’t say it’s fattening. enjoy a dessert once a week. this is just a start to killing the obsession.
third, recognize it’s a control thing. when everything else in your life feels like its beyond your control or overwhelming, we turn to food as something we can control and get our hands(and mouth)around. and we punish ourselves with it. it’s like cutting. it’s not good.
forth,if you happen to binge, don’t beat yourself up and keep doing it because you feel it’s a lost cause. it’s not. let it go.
fifth, don’t compare yourself to others. if you lose 10 lbs, be happy! don’t be, i’ll still never look like such and such.
last, be patient. nothing fucking happens overnight. stop the self-cruelty. be good to yourself, it’s okay to do that. quit telling yourself you suck. cuz you don’t.
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..scat-a-tat-tat =-.
I’ve always felt like my love for food is so much worse than anybody else I know. I think about food ALL the time. I am constantly thinking about what I would like to be eating or what I want to eat next. It makes me angry that I’m letting food take over my life like this. I write blog posts making fun of my food addiction and how much I hate the way I look, but most of the time… I really do hate everything about the way I look on the outside which makes me really dislike the me on the inside. I know a little bit about where you’re coming from, and I wish you the best of luck. I know it’s really difficult right now, but hopefully it will get better.
.-= Sara´s last blog ..I’d Like To Thank God For This Award… / Weigh-In Wednesday =-.
Twitter: thenextmartha
/ Apr 29 2010
I’ve never loved my pantry as much as I have since being home with children. The door doesn’t even close during the day. Hit list: Anything chocolate, baked goods, and pasta. Thanks for sharing your struggles.
Twitter: JulieVanK
/ Apr 29 2010
Now that you’ve written this — beautifully, honestly, and succinctly — can you take it to a doctor and show it to her?
Twitter: twinmomoftwinz
/ Apr 29 2010
Wow, I can relate on so many levels.I struggle with food regularly. I’m an emotional eater and it sucks.
I’m working on other ways to deal with issues that arise but as you know it’s not even close to being easy.
Thanks for writing this and I wish all of us success in this crazy journey.
That was brave to share. It worries me about you, though. It stinks that there’s really no good answer or easy way to deal with it.
Do you ever watch the show Ruby? She’s great to watch on the show, but the show got me thinking about addictions to food and using food control as a way to put other things out of your mind. It’s weird how we use control of food as a power thing. We can reward or punish ourselves. I wonder how much of that is innate and how much is socialized?
.-= H to the Izzo´s last blog ..Things that come to you while out and about =-.
Dude, Ditto. Dit-fucking-o.
What I hate is, I know I’m addicted but I can’t quit. It’s not heroin or alcohol that you (can, though I am sure it’s not easy) stop, stay away from. I still need food. So how the hell am I supposed to control myself around something I need? Of COURSE it’s a disorder, why are eating disorders only associated with skinny people?
Skip this comment if you want… I’m just going to give you another variation on “me too!”
I’m a 42 year old mom of two, and I’ve been down the whole path of discovering the joys of eating myself into a food coma for years; then getting disgusted and doing the anorexia dance and getting down to 89 pounds before deciding that I didn’t want to die *that* way; I gained back 125 pounds and decided eww; so I mixed it up and bit and went for bulimiarexia, where I’d eat the world, then either vomit or workout for 5 hours each day (or both) until that cycle had me passing out at inconvenient moments… After my second child was born, I managed to lose 75 pounds the “healthy” way, but every single day is struggle to not backslide. As someone pointed out in an earlier comment, we don’t really have a choice about eating. Because of the lack of an option to go cold-turkey to break the addiction, having an eating disorder has been described as “the equivalent of having to walk a tiger every day”, a phrase that echoes in my head whenever I face the fridge.
And I’m terrified that I’m not equipped to help my daughter navigate this issue, if it becomes one for her.
Thank you so much for your honesty, and for making many, many of us feel not quite so alone.
Twitter: homesliceva
/ Apr 29 2010
so glad i’m not the only one out there throwing my virtual barf in everyone’s face anymore. the more we all talk about it (and realize how much time it fucking wastes, frankly), the better. it’s rampant and something shameful at times – it’s so nice to be able to discuss it – be honest about it – and know that there are millions of others out there just like us.
ps. i loved the “eat in chicken” line. it was awesome. of course she ended up hanging herself, but the chicken was cute.
Twitter: blondemonde
/ Apr 29 2010
Oh goodness. I have never ever been through something like this, and haven’t had an addiction of any kind. I’m happy that you have acknowledged this (it seems time and time again) though. HANG IN THERE!
I ate a dozen cupcakes the other night when the kids were in bed and then told them I threw them away because they were stale.
I’m sorry you’re struggling. I’ve never been what anyone would call overweight (I have a small frame and good genes, I guess. Lucky.) but I can relate to some of the preoccupation with food and controlling food issues. I agree with Julie, see someone about this for sure and show them this post.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Two Months =-.
Wicked Shawn –
I find thin girl hate as insidious as fat girl hate and saying things like “eat a sandwich” to someone who is overweight just as insulting as telling me to stop eating sandwiches. Your friendship is as good as brilliant words of wisdom. Thank you.
Jessica -
I also have great people in my life who love and accept me and I know that I’m a lucky Fat Girl. thank you for sharing your struggles with me, friend, and congrats on your upcoming wedding!
Slummy -
thank you so much for your honesty. even during the periods of time when I refuse to eat, I’ve always got to feed two other people. being a single mom with food issues is a constant struggle and I’m glad you found me so that we could share.
MFA Mama –
I’ve had years of therapy and am thinking about diving back in, though I’m not terribly committed to it. For now, I’m just acknowledging that I have an issue. I’m also pretty good at calorie counts and think that there should be a game show for people with disorders. Glad we are friends.
Chris –
thank YOU for sharing with me. during one of my particularly bad phases, I took a job at a gym and worked out for six hours a day while I worked. still weighed my rice and counted every calorie. too much is never enough. I’m glad you’re here.
thenextmartha -
I am a carb girl from way back. keep your sweets, gimme my bread or suffer the consequences.
Julie -
maybe? I’ve had years of therapy and am not ready to dive back in just yet. thank you for coming to my blog, by the way. I’m glad to meet you.
Stacey -
emotional eating is my best friend. wait, that’s the problem, right? seriously, I am glad that you stopped by and decided to share. thank you.
H -
I do like Ruby. she is so positive and sassy and real. don’t worry about me, I’m lucky enough to have friends like you around.
Brandy -
isn’t that funny? as if not eating enough is a mental illness that needs treatment, while eating too much is a lack of willpower, self-control, and, for some reason, intelligence. thank you so much for sharing with me. I am lucky to have found such awesome blog people.
Lari -
“eat the world” just bonded us for life. I discussed mothering a daughter when you are a mom with a disorder with another mom with a disorder, just recently. mine, at 15, seems to have a healthyish relationship with food but this is a critical time. of course I’m afraid. I want to save her this lifetime of hurt. I’m so glad you shared with me.
homeslice –
I knew you would understand. pretending you are healthy doesn’t make you healthy so you might as well let it hang out and bond with sisters, no? as an aside, when brittany murphy died, I was devastated. daisy was the only person who really understood me. xo
Blondie -
thank you, friend. can’t wait to hear about your date(s).
Rachel –
holy balls I love you so. I have also done the “eat n’ lie”. a lot. recently. thank you for taking the time to share.
beautifully written. very brave. lots of head nods here. hang in there.
.-= clairemontgomerymd´s last blog ..i’m grasping =-.
I’ve had issues with food for pockets of my life – college, then good for awhile, then bad again, good for awhile, then again….I found what works for me and I KNOW this is solely a solution that works for ME. I found that I have a good amount of self-control while I’m in the grocery store and less self-control in my home. Therefore, the solution that works for me: don’t buy it. It’s pretty easy for me to stay out of the middle portion of the grocery store where all the processed and packaged foods are. Except for occasional cravings usually occuring one week a month, I’m safe from buying my downfalls – cookies, brownies, etc. If it’s in the house, I’ll eat it… so, I don’t let it in the house. I’ve been good with this system for 15 years now. I hope you find your solution. I hope you all find your solutions! Thank you all for sharing. It’s nice to know people are going through or have gone through similar experiences.
Twitter: Ketilave
/ Apr 30 2010
Panic, anxiety, fear, anger, fuck ‘em, aceeptance roller coaster. Am I really as crazy as I feel?
I’ve gotten to the point success will be if I do a better Jon raising my daughters.
.-= Kate´s last blog ..The green stuff =-.
Twitter: divacowgirl
/ Apr 30 2010
Several years ago I went through treatment for compulsive eating disorder. I was overweight at the time so I never considered that I had an eating disorder, except I worked for psych doctors and one of them did a speaking series on eating disorders. As she was describing compulsive eaters all I could think was ‘OMG, that’s me.’
I remember trying to tell my husband about it and he didn’t believe me, until I started pulling out food I had hidden all over the house. Cookies hidden in pots and pans, snacks in the bathroom, etc. It was the same as outting an alcoholic who hides bottles everywhere.
I did group therapy and fortunately I was able to overcome this addiction. I’m not going to lie, it was hard and I had to deal with some traumatic issues I had buried for a long time, but to live my life without being controlled by food, it’s a wonderful thing.
You’re a brave person for admitting this and that’s half the battle right there. Therapy is hard I agree. I wish you luck
.-= divacowgirl´s last blog ..I’m gonna take this itty bitty world by storm and I’m just gettin warm =-.
I roll on the other side of this disease: self-deprivation to the point that I don’t even recognize hunger signals anymore. Addiction is addiction no matter the form it takes. It all sucks. As a member of a couple of 12-step programs, I’ve got to say that those steps work as do the meetings with others who know what it’s like.
I have a friend who attends Overeaters Anonymous to help with her food issues. Because food is necessary, when a member doesn’t stray from his or her meal plans and eat something unhealthy, it’s called being abstinent. It’s a one day at a time program. Could help and it’s free. Good luck with whatever you choose to do to live a longer life. You’re worth it.
Cheryl’s last blog ..For Love of Trees
Twitter: Kernut
/ Apr 30 2010
I’ve given up drinking, smoking, and illegal substances, but the hardest thing for me to let go of is sugar/chocolate/sweets. Smoking wasn’t easy to give up (and still isn’t some days), but I did it. A daily (sometimes twice +) dose of chocolate? Not able to let that one alone for even a day.
I joked about it on my site the other day, but there really is no need for Pepperidge Farm to put and expiration date on my cookies. They are lucky to make it to the car, let alone all the way to the house.
I have a few friends in OA and keep threatening to go one day. But I’m just not there, yet.
.-= Kernut´s last blog ..Drinking and Smoking: My Childhood Memories =-.
Twitter: tarabitesback
/ Apr 30 2010
Goddamn, I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. But very very happy your daughter is not. This is a tribute to you, I think it’s an easy thing to pass on.
I tend to not exactly overeat, just eat very sporadically, and emotionally and badly. Like swedish fish for breakfast. Which was today.
.-= tara´s last blog ..I Might Have Exaggerated My Bravery =-.
Twitter: mommakiss
/ Apr 30 2010
I stress eat. And stress starve. And stress laxative. Food and lbs seem to be beating me at the present. It fucking sucks.
Honesty here, that’s impressive. You’re not alone.
kate -
ah, the roller coaster. so shitty. so tasty.
I’m glad we met.
divacowgirl -
how wonderful are you for coming here and sharing with a complete stranger? thank you. you actually said exactly what I needed to hear right now.
kernut -
god, your “Pepperidge Farm” quote is my life. thank you for sharing with me. hearts your blog.
tara – shit, I love me some swedish fish. a friend of mine contends that only woman like them and we experimented with asking everyone we knew, once. for our small control group, it was 100% true.
I worry about the girl every day, but we can only take one day at a time.
I understand.
Oh, how I understand.
I still consider myself “in recovery” for my ED-NOS,
and I will probably always be there.
But you know what?
That’s okay.
I know I have this big fucking elephant in my room of food and all-things-food-related, but at least I can address it now,
instead of pretending that it doesn’t exist.
You’ll find your balance.
You will.
*hug from here*
Rebecca -
thank you for sharing. I think the elephant is okay, giving him a gun is not. owning your shit is disarming him. I’m sending hugs back, and I hope to see you again.