23 Reasons You Should Never Give Me Your Phone Number

Masturbating is by far the awesomest hangover cure in the history of awesome.

Yep. See also: PMS

I’ll have to take your word for it.

In high school, a teacher told me that an orgasm was the best cure for cramps. I just thought she was coming on to me.

Is there anything orgasms CAN’T do?

Cuddle. whompwhomp

They’re probably not great at doing taxes either.

I am going to blog this conversation.

They are terrible typers and never comment on things friends post on their FB wall.

They make terrible cabbies, because they’re always getting lost.

I think I heard one mutter something anti-Semitic once.

They’re as confusing as an episode of Lost and, like George Bush, they don’t care about black people.

They leave their sprinklers on when it’s raining and take up two spaces in parking lots.

They can make you feel lonely, even on a subway car full of judgy people telling you to pull your panties up.

They executive produced Sex and the City 2.

They greenlighted Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and keep telling Kathy Griffin that she’s funny.

They write all of Justin Beiber’s songs AND cut his hair.

They eat all the cookies and act like they’re doing you a favor because you “said you wanted to lose weight”.

They almost ended Tiger Woods’ career.

They failed to end Willie Aames’ career on the grounds that “Charles in Charge was a delight”.

They bought Liz Taylor her first whiskey and water and horse tranquilizer cocktail AND they directed “Cocktail”.

They gave Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee the hep, then filmed them having sex and released it on the internet, making men everywhere feel inadequate.

Not everywhere. I’m going to cuddle with my orgasm. Text ya later.